lawlietsph
can we be done here
- May 6, 2023
- 48
This is going to be a long venting about multiple things, I'm sorry.
I am a female, 28 yrs old. I've wasted all my youth to nothing and I don't want to watch myself getting older and older. So right now I am watching the olympics and I just don't know why, but it gives me such a deep emotional pain in my body, I actually think i'm going insane. Yes, I envy all of those people. Please don't get me wrong, I admire them and of course they deserve all the success, but... At the same time I can't help but feeling how fucking unfair all the world is. I mean we never start with equal chances in life. Why is that only these handful of people get to experience something huge and awesome, and why the rest of us is struggling to even stay alive?
Yes, I've had some dreams about sports myself, I used to do horse riding, it was my absolute dream to succeed in the sport and achieve awesome things. I've got the spirit, the hard-working mindset, the strength... But the things I did not have were money, support, and living in a country where it could've been possible. Now I'm old, completely broken inside and outside, having no dreams or a will to even breathe. But I guess the same goes to everything - actors, singers, models, freakin influencers. Why? Why are we putting them on such a huge pedestal? Why isn't there any reward for working your ass off in retail, as a mother, etc..?
And yes, I am fully aware that we only see the good side of things, and they struggle too, and whatnot. But ffs, they have the money to do something about it, and most of the time I'm sure they just have to snap their fingers and a huge support group will appear in front of them. Meanwhile there's a little girl somewhere in a poor family, who could maybe win 30 olympic gold medals with her talent, but her parents are abusing her and she becomes an unemployed, suicidal "nobody", who's struggling through life until she can't take it anymore.
Why is it that the sun, the summer itself is making me want to die so so so bad? I wake up and the light is shining in my eyes. I can't believe I didn't die in my dreams. I should be dead, I can't bear this horrible pain and emptiness in my chest. I'm waiting for the dark, the night to give me some kind of temporary relief. So when the night falls, I don't sleep. I stay awake even when i'm sleepy because I want to enjoy that tiny piece of relief. But eventually I can't take it anymore, I close my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake up 2 seconds later to the brightest, warmest, most annoying summer day again. It starts all over again and somehow I push through the day - again- just to feel that tiny little relief at night. Is this really my life? Because I don't want it.
Another thing that has been bothering me so much is that recently another dude broke my heart and I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. He was using me for sexual stuff and then he stopped contacting me at all. Long story short, "he's not ready for a relationship", but he was okay with telling me all the things I've wanted to hear. When I fell in love, he left. But of course he didn't say it directly to my face, he just stopped texting me.
So I've got diagnosed with lyme disease exactly a week ago, and he wasn't there for me. I texted him with the intent of telling him about the diagnosis, but he acted like a complete jerk so I stayed silent.
I still decided to tell him on wednesday. He said "I'm very sorry it was unfair and I did hurt you, but i'm not ready for a relationship and I just hope you survive the disease. But I won't contact you again"
A knife in my heart.
I can't take this life anymore.
I have been on antidepressants and therapy in and out for at least 15 years now and it's never going to get better.
I've had a huuuuuge mental breakdown the other day and I was screaming and throwing things around the house, I was an asshole to my mother. I still live with my mother and eventho she was one of my biggest abusers in childhood, I hate myself for screaming at her. She used to beat the shit out of us -me and my sister-, but now she's just so weak, and I understand she was also a victim in the whole situation. I don't want to hurt her, and I feel horrible for screaming hurtful stuff at her.
I just want to die but I don't even have the balls to order my sn. To be honest I don't really have money to buy it so. I just don't know.
Maybe if it was winter, rainy, dark, cloudy, maybe then I would feel a little relief... But it's soooooooo so so so far away still. I just want to die and stop existing completely. Or swim in darkness and silence.
Yeah, watching the olympics makes me want to die.
I am a female, 28 yrs old. I've wasted all my youth to nothing and I don't want to watch myself getting older and older. So right now I am watching the olympics and I just don't know why, but it gives me such a deep emotional pain in my body, I actually think i'm going insane. Yes, I envy all of those people. Please don't get me wrong, I admire them and of course they deserve all the success, but... At the same time I can't help but feeling how fucking unfair all the world is. I mean we never start with equal chances in life. Why is that only these handful of people get to experience something huge and awesome, and why the rest of us is struggling to even stay alive?
Yes, I've had some dreams about sports myself, I used to do horse riding, it was my absolute dream to succeed in the sport and achieve awesome things. I've got the spirit, the hard-working mindset, the strength... But the things I did not have were money, support, and living in a country where it could've been possible. Now I'm old, completely broken inside and outside, having no dreams or a will to even breathe. But I guess the same goes to everything - actors, singers, models, freakin influencers. Why? Why are we putting them on such a huge pedestal? Why isn't there any reward for working your ass off in retail, as a mother, etc..?
And yes, I am fully aware that we only see the good side of things, and they struggle too, and whatnot. But ffs, they have the money to do something about it, and most of the time I'm sure they just have to snap their fingers and a huge support group will appear in front of them. Meanwhile there's a little girl somewhere in a poor family, who could maybe win 30 olympic gold medals with her talent, but her parents are abusing her and she becomes an unemployed, suicidal "nobody", who's struggling through life until she can't take it anymore.
Why is it that the sun, the summer itself is making me want to die so so so bad? I wake up and the light is shining in my eyes. I can't believe I didn't die in my dreams. I should be dead, I can't bear this horrible pain and emptiness in my chest. I'm waiting for the dark, the night to give me some kind of temporary relief. So when the night falls, I don't sleep. I stay awake even when i'm sleepy because I want to enjoy that tiny piece of relief. But eventually I can't take it anymore, I close my eyes and I fall asleep. I wake up 2 seconds later to the brightest, warmest, most annoying summer day again. It starts all over again and somehow I push through the day - again- just to feel that tiny little relief at night. Is this really my life? Because I don't want it.
Another thing that has been bothering me so much is that recently another dude broke my heart and I feel like I can't cope with this anymore. He was using me for sexual stuff and then he stopped contacting me at all. Long story short, "he's not ready for a relationship", but he was okay with telling me all the things I've wanted to hear. When I fell in love, he left. But of course he didn't say it directly to my face, he just stopped texting me.
So I've got diagnosed with lyme disease exactly a week ago, and he wasn't there for me. I texted him with the intent of telling him about the diagnosis, but he acted like a complete jerk so I stayed silent.
I still decided to tell him on wednesday. He said "I'm very sorry it was unfair and I did hurt you, but i'm not ready for a relationship and I just hope you survive the disease. But I won't contact you again"
A knife in my heart.
I can't take this life anymore.
I have been on antidepressants and therapy in and out for at least 15 years now and it's never going to get better.
I've had a huuuuuge mental breakdown the other day and I was screaming and throwing things around the house, I was an asshole to my mother. I still live with my mother and eventho she was one of my biggest abusers in childhood, I hate myself for screaming at her. She used to beat the shit out of us -me and my sister-, but now she's just so weak, and I understand she was also a victim in the whole situation. I don't want to hurt her, and I feel horrible for screaming hurtful stuff at her.
I just want to die but I don't even have the balls to order my sn. To be honest I don't really have money to buy it so. I just don't know.
Maybe if it was winter, rainy, dark, cloudy, maybe then I would feel a little relief... But it's soooooooo so so so far away still. I just want to die and stop existing completely. Or swim in darkness and silence.
Yeah, watching the olympics makes me want to die.
