TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,721
There are many people in the world who would badly want to be able to even have a fraction of what I have in my life, and while my worries and my reasons may seem trivial to them, to me it's not. Personally, I don't find my life to worth it, even with all the things I have. Many people would (right off the bat) quickly dismiss me and tell me to be grateful, to appreciate all the opportunities, and even be indignant that I am "throwing my life away" especially for something very trivial. However, they don't live the life I live nor did they ever walk a day in my shoes to know how I see the world.
A little background of me is that I grew up in a middle class family, I went to decent schools during primary school and generally did ok. I do have an older sister and she is more successful in just about every single way, but not trying to compare myself to her just saying. While my childhood sucked in various ways, my needs were met (though by no stretch do I believe that my childhood was good just that I had the basic needs taken care of -- I won't go into all the details but just say that I ended up generally ok. And fyi, not CTB'ing just because of a bad childhood, that isn't an actual reason.). I have talents in music and other areas in life, played ok with video games, and did alright, but that means little to me. Anyways, so I went to college and earned a good degree in STEM (Computer Science) and generally decent grades like mostly A's and B's, but didn't really utilize to find a good job nor care too much about it since during my life, I just wanted to find things I enjoy, not necessarily chase "success" like most other people do. During my early adulthood life, I had attended events and experienced things that give me pleasure, traveled to various countries around the world, stuff that people would fight for, but still, unless I gotten the goals I want in life, it would be fleeting at best. At best, it would only turn my suicidality from active to passive; it was just a cope and I don't want to cope my entire life away until other causes end my life.
Personally, I don't give a shit about wealth, about the usual things that the majority of people find valuable (success in life, career, family, big house, nice car, luxury, etc.), because I just live on my own terms and have my own personal goals to go for. My philosophy is very simple. If I cannot attain my goals, dreams, and fantasies, then my life is not worth living (regardless of whatever else I have. I could have a very cushy career, lots of wealth and never have to worry about money again, and all my needs taken care of, but that doesn't mean shit). Of course, many people don't see life in the same way I see my life and would quickly dismiss me by raising the "you're just depressed bro!", "you have a good life! Enjoy it!", "What a waste of good opportunities!" and proceed to ignore all my reasons and reasoning. Some even threaten me subtly, passively by claiming that "If I were their child, they'd beat some sense into me." Or something along those lines, usually other people I've encountered in my life.
Mind you, of course, if I didn't have my needs taken care of, yes, while that may be grounds for CTB'ing more imminently than long term, at the end of the day, I'm still going to CTB than to live decades of misery at unfulfilled, unattainable goals and dreams. Plus, I don't find the appeal in living to old age or being a centenarian, being dependent on others to just exist, not having the same physical and mental capacity as a younger person, it's just not the life for me. Of course, people will project their "selfish" and irrational views that life is always a net positive, life is valuable, life is a gift, and other inane spiel, but that does not change my view that life sucks for me and if I decide it's not worth it, then nobody has the right to dictate that I live just so they won't be sad. Ultimately, even a good (objective) life is not enough for me to want to live, just barely enough for me not to want to actively die because I have philosophical and personal reasons for wanting to CTB including things I can't change but don't want to accept (e.g. a shit society, a shit world, shitty human nature, etc.)
A little background of me is that I grew up in a middle class family, I went to decent schools during primary school and generally did ok. I do have an older sister and she is more successful in just about every single way, but not trying to compare myself to her just saying. While my childhood sucked in various ways, my needs were met (though by no stretch do I believe that my childhood was good just that I had the basic needs taken care of -- I won't go into all the details but just say that I ended up generally ok. And fyi, not CTB'ing just because of a bad childhood, that isn't an actual reason.). I have talents in music and other areas in life, played ok with video games, and did alright, but that means little to me. Anyways, so I went to college and earned a good degree in STEM (Computer Science) and generally decent grades like mostly A's and B's, but didn't really utilize to find a good job nor care too much about it since during my life, I just wanted to find things I enjoy, not necessarily chase "success" like most other people do. During my early adulthood life, I had attended events and experienced things that give me pleasure, traveled to various countries around the world, stuff that people would fight for, but still, unless I gotten the goals I want in life, it would be fleeting at best. At best, it would only turn my suicidality from active to passive; it was just a cope and I don't want to cope my entire life away until other causes end my life.
Personally, I don't give a shit about wealth, about the usual things that the majority of people find valuable (success in life, career, family, big house, nice car, luxury, etc.), because I just live on my own terms and have my own personal goals to go for. My philosophy is very simple. If I cannot attain my goals, dreams, and fantasies, then my life is not worth living (regardless of whatever else I have. I could have a very cushy career, lots of wealth and never have to worry about money again, and all my needs taken care of, but that doesn't mean shit). Of course, many people don't see life in the same way I see my life and would quickly dismiss me by raising the "you're just depressed bro!", "you have a good life! Enjoy it!", "What a waste of good opportunities!" and proceed to ignore all my reasons and reasoning. Some even threaten me subtly, passively by claiming that "If I were their child, they'd beat some sense into me." Or something along those lines, usually other people I've encountered in my life.
Mind you, of course, if I didn't have my needs taken care of, yes, while that may be grounds for CTB'ing more imminently than long term, at the end of the day, I'm still going to CTB than to live decades of misery at unfulfilled, unattainable goals and dreams. Plus, I don't find the appeal in living to old age or being a centenarian, being dependent on others to just exist, not having the same physical and mental capacity as a younger person, it's just not the life for me. Of course, people will project their "selfish" and irrational views that life is always a net positive, life is valuable, life is a gift, and other inane spiel, but that does not change my view that life sucks for me and if I decide it's not worth it, then nobody has the right to dictate that I live just so they won't be sad. Ultimately, even a good (objective) life is not enough for me to want to live, just barely enough for me not to want to actively die because I have philosophical and personal reasons for wanting to CTB including things I can't change but don't want to accept (e.g. a shit society, a shit world, shitty human nature, etc.)