Even if 'it gets better' might be true it isn't really consolation at this point

[enviro400mmc]

I often get told that maybe when I'm a fair bit older things will get better for me, maybe I'm more suited to being more of an adult and I'll be happier then and find life easier (for context, I'm currently 20). And I admit that may well be true.

But at this point I don't really care and don't find it motivating. I've wasted my entire youth in a spiral of misery of and depression. I will have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge that I tossed away some of the most interesting, transformational years of my life entirely through my own fault despite having everything put on a plate for me and being given every privilege in the book. I'm embarrassed that I let small things hurt me as much as they did.


At this point whenever an opportunity or something potentially nice comes up in my life I don't embrace it as an opportunity, it just feels i like another inconvenience in my desire to feel justified in CTBing. It's almost like the sunk cost fallacy but for depression. I know I can't change or dwell on the past, only focus on the present and the future. And that's why I don't particularly want to keep going.

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

If you just want comfort (not everyone wants solutions):

I'm also 20. I get tired of hearing the whole "but you're young" thing as well, it's exhausting. Small things can hurt & fuck someone up just as much as small things. Someone could really hurt me & call me hella slurs, big thing, but if someone ate my fucking Doritos when I'm having a bad day- it may be small- but will wreck me. Idk your small things, but it's okay if they hurt you more than you woulda liked (my metaphor(?) analogy(?) isn't great but I hope you understand what I mean, & I assume you meant things like situations getting out of hand or toxic friendships or something).

I don't think you have to "justify" wanting to ctb. Everyone has their reasons, it's not anyone's place to judge those reasons. Don't feel like you need to justify it either, I feel everyone has a choice when it comes to their mortality, regardless or circumstance, regardless of privilege or lack thereof.


semi-positive outlook/solution kinda:

I missed out on being a teenager, honestly, it was nice skipping the whole highschool bit- & if you still have opportunities, embrace them, it may pull you out of the hole you're in. Even if you're privileged or have good opportunities, it's okay to feel like this. I can't relate to you, but I understand what you're feeling to an extent.

& I'm not trying to force any positivity or anything- I just think some of us get stuck in a hole of hell (debilitating as fuck depression) & our thoughts start to rule our decision making. We may lose opportunities because of it, & that's okay. Though, if you have an opportunity to help yourself some, could just try, the worst that can happen is it doesn't work out, but at least you tried.

I'm in a hell of a hole right now, but even grasping onto little joys can help- mine is shitty 25 cent ramen & Skyrim. Small joys can really help. If you're able, look into opportunities with things you enjoy. Whether it be art or programming or something idk- something you like.

 

[enviro400mmc]

If you just want comfort (not everyone wants solutions):

I'm also 20. I get tired of hearing the whole "but you're young" thing as well, it's exhausting. Small things can hurt & fuck someone up just as much as small things. Someone could really hurt me & call me hella slurs, big thing, but if someone ate my fucking Doritos when I'm having a bad day- it may be small- but will wreck me. Idk your small things, but it's okay if they hurt you more than you woulda liked (my metaphor(?) analogy(?) isn't great but I hope you understand what I mean, & I assume you meant things like situations getting out of hand or toxic friendships or something).

I don't think you have to "justify" wanting to ctb. Everyone has their reasons, it's not anyone's place to judge those reasons. Don't feel like you need to justify it either, I feel everyone has a choice when it comes to their mortality, regardless or circumstance, regardless of privilege or lack thereof.


semi-positive outlook/solution kinda:

I missed out on being a teenager, honestly, it was nice skipping the whole highschool bit- & if you still have opportunities, embrace them, it may pull you out of the hole you're in. Even if you're privileged or have good opportunities, it's okay to feel like this. I can't relate to you, but I understand what you're feeling to an extent.

& I'm not trying to force any positivity or anything- I just think some of us get stuck in a hole of hell (debilitating as fuck depression) & our thoughts start to rule our decision making. We may lose opportunities because of it, & that's okay. Though, if you have an opportunity to help yourself some, could just try, the worst that can happen is it doesn't work out, but at least you tried.

I'm in a hell of a hole right now, but even grasping onto little joys can help- mine is shitty 25 cent ramen & Skyrim. Small joys can really help. If you're able, look into opportunities with things you enjoy. Whether it be art or programming or something idk- something you like.

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Thing is I do have plenty of joys in life, some of which I would even say are bigger than 'little'. But as I said earlier, it feels like these are just things keeping me alive while I burrow myself into a deeper hole of misery instead of actually finding a solution (i.e. ending my life).

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it. Thing is I do have plenty of joys in life, some of which I would even say are bigger than 'little'. But as I said earlier, it feels like these are just things keeping me alive while I burrow myself into a

I understand that, I try very hard to find distractions or reasons to keep going.

deeper hole of misery instead of actually finding a solution (i.e. ending my life).

I wish that we had better ways to go with that solution. I wish N was more accessible, & I wish mental health professionals, ie; therapists, were more accessible & affordable as well. I feel like we're almost denied our right to our own mortality & seeking good help. If you choose that solution in the end, I hope you can go with a peaceful one

 

[wanderingbeam]

i'm in the same boat. i don't really care if it gets better anymore, i don't care if there's potential avenues of help i haven't explored, i'm just exhausted. all i want is for the suffering to stop right now.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm 59 years old. Suffered more than anyone ever should have.
I should have ended my existence long ago. Yet I stayed alive in the hope that life would get better.

Life NEVER got better.
It only got worse.

 

[SpiderLink]

I often get told that maybe when I'm a fair bit older things will get better for me, maybe I'm more suited to being more of an adult and I'll be happier then and find life easier (for context, I'm currently 20). And I admit that may well be true.

But at this point I don't really care and don't find it motivating. I've wasted my entire youth in a spiral of misery of and depression. I will have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge that I tossed away some of the most interesting, transformational years of my life entirely through my own fault despite having everything put on a plate for me and being given every privilege in the book. I'm embarrassed that I let small things hurt me as much as they did.


At this point whenever an opportunity or something potentially nice comes up in my life I don't embrace it as an opportunity, it just feels i like another inconvenience in my desire to feel justified in CTBing. It's almost like the sunk cost fallacy but for depression. I know I can't change or dwell on the past, only focus on the present and the future. And that's why I don't particularly want to keep going.

I relate to u so much, although I'm 18, so a couple years younger.