RueTheRavenPrincess
Member
- Apr 15, 2024
- 44
Hey everyone. I wanted to preface this by saying that I know that the things i'm about to explain are very taboo, unpleasant and reckless, as well as looping in other people into my personal issues which isn't really excusable. I know it's bad behavior and I do feel bad for it. I just really want a place to talk about this since I can't express this to anyone at all in my real life, and i'm also wondering if anyone else on SaSu has thoughts like my own and if there are any kindered spirits on here lol.
anyways…
since I was 7 or 8 i've been fantasizing about being killed by someone. I only realized apiphany-style that I could do it by myself, to myself, about a year ago now, and have been on here ever since. But recently on the odd occasion, i've still been desperately looking for someone *else* to kill me. It's just been my dream and my ideal even if its dirty and wrong and terrible to get another person involved.
…
So into how this idea manifests into behavior, I've been making very extreme dating profiles and craigslist posts asking for men who literally want be murderers, "looking for someone who wants to take someones life away." "any guys on here have a fantasy about killing a girl?" so i've been going on these random unvetted dates and trying to get killed. i've sometimes chickened out if the guy seems scary enough to really do anything because I worry they would do umm everything but kill me if you know what i mean :/ It's been really interesting seeing what kind of people respond to these postings of mine. some men will say "I can seriously make that happen." some men think its just playful and will respond thinking i'm being freaky, and some will respond with heavy concern and ask if i'm ok or need to talk.
At the end of the day i've been unsucessful as far as the death-wish goes, but I have lucked out and found a nice not-evil guy to spend some time with and now I have some company, which has been refreshing and nice. So far i've been feeling like people are generally not evil even when given the chance to be evil. I will literally offer to help plan my own murder so that they wouldnt get in trouble, I've had no takers! grr. Ive even stopped talking to my family since wanting to die so that they wouldnt call anyone if I went off the radar. But still, no dice. Just nice men who seem like they want to help wounded birds like me lol.
it's especially after finding a kind person who wants to spend time with me that I feel even *more* guilty and dirty for why I was on these dating sites in the first place. Before each date with a rando I would repeat like a mantra to myself that "I might die and thats ok", and that "I dont know what people are capable of but I shouldnt be scared if it would all end anyways", and that "I would do anything for it to be out of my hands"… All i've earned now is a new distraction from my worries.
I partially blame this fixation on Murder>Suicide on a lifelong fixation on true-crime. I think i'm one of those women who gives the community a pretty bad name, I idolize the killers and would actually even be the kind of person to write them love letters. It comes from that dark place of "I really hope that happens to me." And I often end up feeling very alone in these ideas and wishes since I've noticed how taboo my ideas are.
Again I'm not sure how radical all of that sounds, I don't ever really share these ideas alot. so please feel free to add on if you have had similar feelings, or even if you don't have similar feelings, I would really like to hear some other perspectives on these controversial ideas/topics!
anyways…
since I was 7 or 8 i've been fantasizing about being killed by someone. I only realized apiphany-style that I could do it by myself, to myself, about a year ago now, and have been on here ever since. But recently on the odd occasion, i've still been desperately looking for someone *else* to kill me. It's just been my dream and my ideal even if its dirty and wrong and terrible to get another person involved.
…
So into how this idea manifests into behavior, I've been making very extreme dating profiles and craigslist posts asking for men who literally want be murderers, "looking for someone who wants to take someones life away." "any guys on here have a fantasy about killing a girl?" so i've been going on these random unvetted dates and trying to get killed. i've sometimes chickened out if the guy seems scary enough to really do anything because I worry they would do umm everything but kill me if you know what i mean :/ It's been really interesting seeing what kind of people respond to these postings of mine. some men will say "I can seriously make that happen." some men think its just playful and will respond thinking i'm being freaky, and some will respond with heavy concern and ask if i'm ok or need to talk.
At the end of the day i've been unsucessful as far as the death-wish goes, but I have lucked out and found a nice not-evil guy to spend some time with and now I have some company, which has been refreshing and nice. So far i've been feeling like people are generally not evil even when given the chance to be evil. I will literally offer to help plan my own murder so that they wouldnt get in trouble, I've had no takers! grr. Ive even stopped talking to my family since wanting to die so that they wouldnt call anyone if I went off the radar. But still, no dice. Just nice men who seem like they want to help wounded birds like me lol.
it's especially after finding a kind person who wants to spend time with me that I feel even *more* guilty and dirty for why I was on these dating sites in the first place. Before each date with a rando I would repeat like a mantra to myself that "I might die and thats ok", and that "I dont know what people are capable of but I shouldnt be scared if it would all end anyways", and that "I would do anything for it to be out of my hands"… All i've earned now is a new distraction from my worries.
I partially blame this fixation on Murder>Suicide on a lifelong fixation on true-crime. I think i'm one of those women who gives the community a pretty bad name, I idolize the killers and would actually even be the kind of person to write them love letters. It comes from that dark place of "I really hope that happens to me." And I often end up feeling very alone in these ideas and wishes since I've noticed how taboo my ideas are.
Again I'm not sure how radical all of that sounds, I don't ever really share these ideas alot. so please feel free to add on if you have had similar feelings, or even if you don't have similar feelings, I would really like to hear some other perspectives on these controversial ideas/topics!
