Venting Ethics dillema

[mx5nb3]

Recently I have become totally nihilist. I owe my uncle almost 9 grand and I want to pay him back, but I dont think I can hang on for even a month longer.

Im self sabatoging a ton. Im not looking for work and i only make maybe $100 a week in a small restaurant right now. Im not motivated in college at all, and I don't want to do anything. I want to fucking die. And just so you know Im not playing some bullshit, I have the SN ready. The only thing holding me back is the debt I owe but.. nihilism is starting to destroy my ethics too.

My parents are catching on to my behavior and worrying... well, more like panicking. They are yelling at me everyday saying I need to "get up and be productive", I need to "take care of myself and stop being lazy". I dont have the strength to keep this facade going. I got the hang of it for a few months but its fading now.. I think im just burned out. My only wish is to ctb but I feel bad doing it while I owe my uncle money.. a lot of money.
Thanks for any feedback or replies.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

How is nihilism destroying your ethics?

As far as your uncle, there are several things to consider. First, if one can't afford to lose money, then one shouldn't lend money. Can he afford to never have the money returned? If you were to die today of an accident, he wouldn't hold you to blame, but would he feel like he really fucked up by taking the risk?

Then there's the idea of ones responsibility to others, and that is for sure an ethical dilemma, and it's potentially in conflict with your responsibility to yourself. Is it being responsible to yourself to ctb, is it truly in your best interest at this time? Only you can decide that. If it's not, then I think you'll benefit by seeking a new perspective and/or goal to help you bear what currently feels unbearable, which will potentially help you to "get off your ass." Maybe there's something you can negotiate with yourself -- what things can you let go that seem important, but if you step back, really aren't? I think older, more mature members can potentially help you with that, because so many of us learned that after 30, and again after 40, we gave less and less fucks as we discovered what isn't as important as we thought in our 20s, and there is so much freedom in that; then you can more narrowly focus on what is important, and have the energy to do those few things. Not motivated to do college? Drop. The fuck. Out. You can go back later if it serves you. Parents won't pay for it if you drop out? Good! Earn it yourself later if you really want it.

Personally, it took me eight years to get through (I worked full-time and did university part time), I graduated at 29, and because I did it like that, I was motivated and I had enough focus to finish with a 3.9 GPA. The last couple of years, I had the motivation to push through and take on a full-time course load because I was so sick of being in school. So fuck traditional. I had more maturity than other students and was non-traditional, so I didn't have the average college social life, but college wasn't about that for me since my parents didn't pay for it and I didn't have that luxury. I did well because I did it for me, I was the only person I had to impress, and I impressed my self. And in retrospect, I didn't even have to do that. I could have relaxed a lot more and not worked so hard. Magna cum laude didn't do shit for anything more than my ego, nothing practical came out of it except maybe for my grad school application, but I don't think it made a huge difference because it was a liberal arts program, not something really competitive.

I wonder, is nihilism attractive because you're just so burned out and not into all the things that you feel pressured and uninspired by?

 

[mx5nb3]

GoodPersonEffed thanks for your response. Great points were mentioned, and I respect that you were able to complete college with a 3.9! Bravo.

For me, nihilism is 'attractive' and Ive developed it as a means to put a barrier between myself and what i owe my uncle, as a means to block out the guilt I feel. It is absolutely in my best interest to ctb, and its especially tempting because my uncle doesnt need the money back. He is sufficient financially. Anyhow I finalized my decision to ctb anyway. Im just going to save up a few hundred dollars, drive to my favorite hotel and get the job done. I'll be making another thread about this once I get my thoughts together. Thanks for the response!

 

[Soul]

@mx5nb3, I feel like I've already responded to this quandary. Did you or someone else with a helpful uncle post the same question a few days ago?

I don't think it's ok for us to decide for someone else that they can afford not to be paid back. (If you imagine someone treating you that way you'll notice what's wrong with it.)

It's good that you feel uneasy about ripping off someone who's been kind/helpful to you. Can you talk openly about it? Not necessary including the suicidal bits but telling him you don't see any way to pay him back in the foreseeable future and if he's okay with making the money partly a gift and partly letting you do some work for him (for example) in return for the debt. Do you own anything of value you could put in his name? Do you have life insurance? (Some policies do pay out even in cases of suicide, after 2 years or so.)

I'm sorry you're pondering these things, and wish you good outcomes on your way forward.

 

[mx5nb3]

Hi Soul. I agree it is not fair to make decisions for others but I feel I've fallen too far. Im just sick of life and my desire to die has grown exponentially these past few months. I just feel so much pressure.
Im trying to squirm around and find comfort/will to live but im stuck under my uncles thumb. Doesnt help that at the same time, my parents are pressuring me to find a second job, go to school, plan my future, etc. as if it fucking matters to me. I've decided to just ctb anyway, im thinking mid July, probably around the 13th. Thanks for the response.