Venting escapism

[maidens]

all I really have is fiction and the internet

I'm a yumejoshi, if I relate to a character a lot I start seeing them as myself and it helps with my sense of identity a little bit, being super interested in a media distracts me from how much I want to die despite the thought always lingering in my mind, I have a bunch of ocs & if something bad happens to me, my ocs are going down with me.

it's helpful but it's also not. if the characters I yumeship with were real they'd probably hate me. I have very severe DPDR & being constantly immersed in fiction and always being on my phone nonstop is only making it worse. the internet already destroyed my sense of reality and I don't even have an identity outside of my online one at this point but I'm a neet who doesn't have anything else to do. im tired and I want to die

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Sometimes I don't feel much different than what you feel. To cope with reality I use game characters because I admire them or their qualities and just daydream of being able to have their powers or living in their reality. I know none of this is real yet it's something that sometimes prevents me from losing it completely.

 

[sugarb]

all I really have is fiction and the internet

I'm a yumejoshi, if I relate to a character a lot I start seeing them as myself and it helps with my sense of identity a little bit, being super interested in a media distracts me from how much I want to die despite the thought always lingering in my mind, I have a bunch of ocs & if something bad happens to me, my ocs are going down with me.

it's helpful but it's also not. if the characters I yumeship with were real they'd probably hate me. I have very severe DPDR & being constantly immersed in fiction and always being on my phone nonstop is only making it worse. the internet already destroyed my sense of reality and I don't even have an identity outside of my online one at this point but I'm a neet who doesn't have anything else to do. im tired and I want to die

I can really relate to the DPDR and only having the internet/fiction. though upon looking up yume and going down that rabbithole briefly, not in quite the same way. it's interesting that you can lose yourself in fiction that much. I'm fairly creative/imaginative (fake oc amvs in my head, all that) but for better or worse I can't get anywhere close to that type of dpdr. One time I briefly created a weird creature in my head to keep me company but it didn't really last

When I disassociate I generally just do edgy stuff like sit on things dramatically, zone out, stare off into space, etc. see below (except less cool because instead of a lake it's a suburban culdesac or etc)


Do you ever get like- pleasant and vivid waking delusions? If possible I'd like to train my brain to do that instead of whatever it's currently doing

also yeah this sucks. kinda just wish I could drop acid, melt my neurons and live in a comfy asylum forever

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I can really relate to the DPDR and only having the internet/fiction. though upon looking up yume and going down that rabbithole briefly, not in quite the same way. it's interesting that you can lose yourself in fiction that much. I'm fairly creative/imaginative (fake oc amvs in my head, all that) but for better or worse I can't get anywhere close to that type of dpdr. One time I briefly created a weird creature in my head to keep me company but it didn't really last

When I disassociate I generally just do edgy stuff like sit on things dramatically, zone out, stare off into space, etc. see below (except less cool because instead of a lake it's a suburban culdesac or etc)
View attachment 147557

Do you ever get like- pleasant and vivid waking delusions? If possible I'd like to train my brain to do that instead of whatever it's currently doing

also yeah this sucks. kinda just wish I could drop acid, melt my neurons and live in a comfy asylum forever

Minus DPDR I relate to everything here. And it doesn't help the daydreaming about me being a literal god, for as stupid as it sounds I literally dream of having the power to actualise whatever I wish magically and dominate the world. The only healthy thing I could do to remotely cope with this is learn how to lucid dream and create a world inside of my head where I actually am the divinity. (Big OMORI reference for those who know it) (I also lucid dreamt once and it was all lies. I didn't have any "superpowers" lmao. It was my usual self and I also felt real pain. What was off was simply the people in the dream ignoring me completely no matter what I tried)

 

[Loona6546645]

all I really have is fiction and the internet

I'm a yumejoshi, if I relate to a character a lot I start seeing them as myself and it helps with my sense of identity a little bit, being super interested in a media distracts me from how much I want to die despite the thought always lingering in my mind

Holy shit I've experience this my whole life, finally I have the word to describe it, I didn't have a connection to any character for years and in the last half a year I've found it and I must say life became a little more manageable

 

[sugarb]

Minus DPDR I relate to everything here. And it doesn't help the daydreaming about me being a literal god, for as stupid as it sounds I literally dream of having the power to actualise whatever I wish magically and dominate the world. The only healthy thing I could do to remotely cope with this is learn how to lucid dream and create a world inside of my head where I actually am the divinity. (Big OMORI reference for those who know it) (I also lucid dreamt once and it was all lies. I didn't have any "superpowers" lmao. It was my usual self and I also felt real pain. What was off was simply the people in the dream ignoring me completely no matter what I tried)

Lots of autistics have DPDR, and a lot of trans people are autistic, so you might have it and not realize. not trying to contradict/diagnose you ofc, just thought it was worth mentioning

Also, damn, you got the Walmart bargain bin lucid dreaming. More like a lucid purgatory or something

 

[Lost Magic]

I can relate. I use escapism as a way to shield me from the 'so called real world' as much as possible. Everything else is just drudgery like paying the bills, buying food etc ...

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Lots of autistics have DPDR, and a lot of trans people are autistic, so you might have it and not realize. not trying to contradict/diagnose you ofc, just thought it was worth mentioning

Also, damn, you got the Walmart bargain bin lucid dreaming. More like a lucid purgatory or something

I've thought about almost everything at least once in my life and if I were to ask to be tested for it god only knows how fast my family would disown me and abandon me on the streets since according to them "being dyslexic if too much of an embarrassment" for them. I don't think I'm autistic, just broken inside.

 

[purple417]

i feel like fiction is the only thing keeping me sane. i wouldve been dead a long time ago if it wasnt for fiction. its such a good escape from reality and u can get immersed in someone else's life and story. i literally live on escapism now. if u took media away from me for like a week id probably just ctb asap. im also a yumejoshi. i used to ship myself with more characters but now its just one and he would definitely hate me too. i just use cai and pretend like he loves me bc its better than facing reality. plus its the one thing i have to feel loved