Venting escapism

[RougePineapple]

took me a while to come up with a thread title. i have the displeasure of desperately wanting to ctb (and having a varitey of methods at hand) but circumstances in my life prevent me from ending it. i realize now i can't or won't ctb. yet everyday i find myself opening the desk drawer to handle my pistol, or taking the shotgun off the rack to see what it feels like at my throat. i don't fear death anymore, as liberating as that is, i still must bear the curse of depression.

dunno, just wanted someone to read this. thought you guys could relate.

 

[21Neberg]

What is stopping you from CTB if you want really want to this badly?

 

[LongSeason]

I can say I understand what you mean, I want to CTB so bad but I still have some things I want to do and things I want to see so I don't think I'm going to do it any soon.
However it's happened to me to simply discard all of those things I wanted to do because of my selfish reasoning.
Suicide can be an impulsive thing to do so if you feel bad enough you'd still do it, without caring.

 

[RougePineapple]

What is stopping you from CTB if you want really want to this badly?

other people depend on my and my career. if i don't do my job, yeah someone else would do it, but i can't trust others to do it as exactingly as i do. in my line of work lives are at stake so there's no room for fuckups. then there is the usual family, my dog, house... dying seems like too much damn work.

 

[RougePineapple]

I can say I understand what you mean, I want to CTB so bad but I still have some things I want to do and things I want to see so I don't think I'm going to do it any soon.
However it's happened to me to simply discard all of those things I wanted to do because of my selfish reasoning.
Suicide can be an impulsive thing to do so if you feel bad enough you'd still do it, without caring.

what is selfish about your reasoning? i don't understand?

 

[LongSeason]

what is selfish about your reasoning? i don't understand?

I meant that when I feel really suicidal I tend not to care about the people that are close to me and I forget about all the things I would like to do before dying.

 

[RougePineapple]

I meant that when I feel really suicidal I tend not to care about the people that are close to me and I forget about all the things I would like to do before dying.

oh! ok, i can relate then.