Envious of those who don't have loving family

[voltage268]

Makes no sense but I'm actually upset at this moment that the universe put me and my younger sister together, the two of us siblings, me her older brother in my mid 30s now, a tiring life of clinical depression and generalised anxiety. She means the world to me, and I'm actually upset right now that she does, she's very easy to love, a wonderful person. If it wasn't for her, I think I could peace out out of here. Not saying it would be easy either way. My 2 parents, who I live with, and who are supporting me...my mum has been tricky since childhood as she has exasperated a lot of the mental illness strongly through religion, christianity while growing up. She's much more understanding and expressing of love nowadays on the whole but is definitely experiencing some mental health issues of her own. My dad...a good man, has not always understood my situation, but his unconditional love has always been felt. I love them both, a lot. But for some fucking reason...I have this super close relationship with my younger sister. Why couldn't I have been indifferent, a person who didn't give a fuck, or was distant, it's against my nature, which is a curse.

I often search out, read, and watch videos regarding the last notes or feelings of suicide victims/survivors, how they felt others around them would be better off without them. Why can't I get these fucking feelings. Not saying my presence is of particular value to this world, but I know my family would not think that they're better off without me. I know they love me. For my parents, as much as I love them and likewise, I could possibly do it. But my relationship with my sister is completely different, it's almost a curse at this point. What the fuck. This life has taken advantage of my caring nature, I think a lot of us here are sensitive to the (often cruel) nature of this world and are 'good' people. We both have found ourselves together in the same family, and fucked me over by giving me something precious in this shitshow world. I'm not completely cynical, there's plenty of beauty in this world, for many to enjoy, but it can be extremely cruel as well for some of us who seem to have proved to be unlucky, a mutual sentiment shared unfortunately here, despite constantly trying to overcome. I'm not a defeatist person, I'm always trying to be positive, but I get knocked down continuously by my fucking brain, and this life. Why couldn't she have been unlikeable, or indifferent to me. I am relieved and grateful she doesn't have the same condition as me, and is doing well overall.

The other major fear of not committing for what it's worth, I used to have a much greater fear of hell and eternal damnation growing up as a strong christian, as consequence for those that commit suicide - the irony of a loving god condemning you to eternal fire for being in so much pain that you felt forced to take your own life to try and escape pain, being between a rock and a hard place to put it lightly. I still have a tiny but solid faith as pretty much agnostic, but really feel all the manifestations of pain and apparent spiritual experiences, 'revelations' and realisations as limited to my brain.

Others over the years have shown admiration for the relationship my sister and I have...for me, at this point, I can't believe it's almost become a curse. Would do anything for her, but she's inadvertently keeping me in this world. How could I devastate her. And so I carry on. She's the most valuable person to me, hopefully going to marry her boyfriend soon in the next few years, and have a family. Until I can find a way to exit without suicide. When you wish for cancer or a terminal disease, as bad and debilitating, painful, hopeless, cruel as it is, you know things are fucked. I'm sorry for those here who have this. Life can be so fleeting for some who deperately want to be here, would give mine in an instant.

I really fucking wish I had no-one. Truly. Really wish the immediate people in my life hated me, or were indifferent, or even were not super close. Isn't that crazy, it's become a curse. Not super popular, don't have many close friends nowadays. Have some good cousins, aunties and uncles. Unfortunately have a very close family member. I hope she never reads this.

Thanks for listening. Anyone in a similar situation?

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be painful and tiring being in that situation, I'm sorry you have to suffer, it truly is such a cruel existence. But anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[vukmadewave]

The decision is definitely easier to make when nobody will be hurt. I'm sorry you're living in pain.

 

[mercutiomartis]

I don't think that's crazy. I feel the same way about my mom. Our relationship hasn't always been sunshine and roses, but I feel horrible at the thought of what she will experience when I'm gone. Sometimes I wish she were indifferent toward me.

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I don't think you're alone in feeling this way.

 

[SketchTurner]

I feel you. Not wanting to hurt family is a strange thing, you feel it but you can't always grasp it as some sort of active drive, it just freezes you. It's trapping you but you can't disagree with it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Having a loving family is bittersweet it makes it more difficult to ctb

 

[sugarb]

Yeah, I'm in a similar situation unfortunately. I'm pretty much my younger brother's only friend, or at least his closest by a lot. And I know me dying would wreck my parents. My mom's Christian like yours and I know she'd spend a lot of time crying and wondering if I was even in heaven.

I'm glad I met them all and love them very much but I like you i sometimes wish I had no-one so this'd be easier or that I had cancer or something. That I could drop out of college, enjoy a few months of life as best I can, say goodbye how I want, then pass peacefully. See a certain place one time.

but there's just not much we can do about it except hang on for them or do everything possible to make it easier

 

[releasefrompain]

I feel very similarly. Let me preface this by saying that I feel horribly for people who don't have loving families. My being gay and a recovered Catholic makes me very sensitive to such awful situations that can drive someone to want to exit. It took me too long to realize it but my mom loves me more than the world and would do anything for me. And the rest of my family is very loving and caring, and I love them all. I desperately want to be able to live for all of them, especially my mom. But my condition is so incredibly painful, and uncurable, that I absolutely have to exit. If I could I would continue living just for my mom, but I can't. It kills me to think what this will do to her. Not to mention my family. (I've even made an altar to them, with all of their photos.) Honestly, I don't have many good friends. I think only my best friend will be hurt badly, but he's dealt with death of friends and family many times over. But this could really kill my mom, and that's the only thing that makes me want to go on living. She's old and in poor health. I wish I could wait until she passes, because no mother wants to lose a child this way, but my condition is progressing fast.

I'm not religious but I do believe in reincarnation. I hope that I am dead wrong and I experience nothingness after death. If I add to the list of my karmic transgressions all of the pain this will cause the ones who love me, I'm afraid I will be reincarnated over and over as a creature undergoing far more pain than I am experiencing now. I hope that my beliefs are wrong and that the universe doesn't care enough about life on earth to make us reincarnate over and over again until we have the privilege of stopping. (If we have souls, can souls exit too?)

 

[voltage268]

I feel very similarly. Let me preface this by saying that I feel horribly for people who don't have loving families. My being gay and a recovered Catholic makes me very sensitive to such awful situations that can drive someone to want to exit. It took me too long to realize it but my mom loves me more than the world and would do anything for me. And the rest of my family is very loving and caring, and I love them all. I desperately want to be able to live for all of them, especially my mom. But my condition is so incredibly painful, and uncurable, that I absolutely have to exit. If I could I would continue living just for my mom, but I can't. It kills me to think what this will do to her. Not to mention my family. (I've even made an altar to them, with all of their photos.) Honestly, I don't have many good friends. I think only my best friend will be hurt badly, but he's dealt with death of friends and family many times over. But this could really kill my mom, and that's the only thing that makes me want to go on living. She's old and in poor health. I wish I could wait until she passes, because no mother wants to lose a child this way, but my condition is progressing fast.

I'm not religious but I do believe in reincarnation. I hope that I am dead wrong and I experience nothingness after death. If I add to the list of my karmic transgressions all of the pain this will cause the ones who love me, I'm afraid I will be reincarnated over and over as a creature undergoing far more pain than I am experiencing now. I hope that my beliefs are wrong and that the universe doesn't care enough about life on earth to make us reincarnate over and over again until we have the privilege of stopping. (If we have souls, can souls exit too?)

Thanks for sharing, was encouraging to read despite your very tough circumstances which I'm sorry about. An awful juxtaposition feeling bad for those who aren't experiencing loving families, something I see plenty of from people sharing their stories on reddit etc, and for me now envy. If the balance of karmic transgressions exists, surely it would take into account how painful it would be for you to consider this, we take no joy in having to consider this, a last resort. I hope there's nothingness as well! The idea of a god scares the shit out of me nowadays, considering how much pain they've left me to endure continuously and ignored my crying out and trying to overcome constantly my circumstances over the years.

I think a possibly hopeful thing I realised, is our reasoning about the afterlife comes from depressed and therefore more pessimistic minds that expect the worst and can't be relied upon to determine whatever truth there is. All my concepts and theorising of an afterlife come from my depressed brain. We've unfortunately become (understandably) more cynical by nature, I've seen time and again that the vast majority of fallible, ordinary human beings feel compassion for those who take their lives to escape pain, why would an apparent loving god or being not understand and be capable of that compassion as well. Regardless I really hope things improve for you dude that you won't have to take any decisions and you get a much improved future for you and mum.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

You don't know how lucky you are to have family.

It's worse being alone. trust me, it's miserable

 

[1488]

You don't know how lucky you are to have family.

It's worse being alone. trust me, it's miserable

This.

 

[voltage268]

You don't know how lucky you are to have family.

It's worse being alone. trust me, it's miserable

Really sorry you're feeling this, everyone deserves to have had the experience of a loving family. Fwiw mental illness doesn't shield you from feeling crushing loneliness surrounded by family, you feel like you're in another world to them and the contrast is painful, the loneliness weighs heavy. But not trying to compare what is 'better' and what is not, my post was a reflection of the irony of my situation. Any love of my family, heck millions of £s can't fully protect from the all the effects of mental illness. The brutal truth is without family I wouldn't have endured so many days, months, years of pain as I'm continuing for their sake. Would trade places with you even though I don't deny how miserable it must be and feel.

 

[releasefrompain]

Thanks for sharing, was encouraging to read despite your very tough circumstances which I'm sorry about. An awful juxtaposition feeling bad for those who aren't experiencing loving families, something I see plenty of from people sharing their stories on reddit etc, and for me now envy. If the balance of karmic transgressions exists, surely it would take into account how painful it would be for you to consider this, we take no joy in having to consider this, a last resort. I hope there's nothingness as well! The idea of a god scares the shit out of me nowadays, considering how much pain they've left me to endure continuously and ignored my crying out and trying to overcome constantly my circumstances over the years.

I think a possibly hopeful thing I realised, is our reasoning about the afterlife comes from depressed and therefore more pessimistic minds that expect the worst and can't be relied upon to determine whatever truth there is. All my concepts and theorising of an afterlife come from my depressed brain. We've unfortunately become (understandably) more cynical by nature, I've seen time and again that the vast majority of fallible, ordinary human beings feel compassion for those who take their lives to escape pain, why would an apparent loving god or being not understand and be capable of that compassion as well. Regardless I really hope things improve for you dude that you won't have to take any decisions and you get a much improved future for you and mum.

Those are encouraging words. My own flights of imagination regarding the possibility of reincarnation occurred during wild trippy mary jane sessions, and then (yes, in a depressed state) right after my dad passed, when I was sure his spirit came to me (long story), and another time after my godmother died when something similar happened. I can't discount those experiences, and so

"But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovere'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all"

Shakespeare was such a genius. I never really grasped the full import of Hamlet's "To be, or not to be" speech until I myself started contemplating these things.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Really sorry you're feeling this, everyone deserves to have had the experience of a loving family. Fwiw mental illness doesn't shield you from feeling crushing loneliness surrounded by family, you feel like you're in another world to them and the contrast is painful, the loneliness weighs heavy. But not trying to compare what is 'better' and what is not, my post was a reflection of the irony of my situation. Any love of my family, heck millions of £s can't fully protect from the all the effects of mental illness. The brutal truth is without family I wouldn't have endured so many days, months, years of pain as I'm continuing for their sake. Would trade places with you even though I don't deny how miserable it must be and feel.

if I had people I could talk to I would be able to be alive. I go an entire week talking to a therapist and that's it - or the barista. I understand what it means to just be here to live for a family member but it is true misery.

The only good part is being able to plan my death but not a single person is going to notice. Would you trade that? Didn't think so.

 

[wallavenue]

I don't blame you, friend. I've thought the same. It's far harder to let go when you know how many people would be traumatized, and hurt. I am extremely close to my sister too, we have a wonderful relationship and it kills me to know how devastated she would be. Same with my boyfriend, he's already lost someone to suicide — it's been years and he is still hurting immensely. The fact I might be adding to that.. I feel so sorry.

I feel selfish as well, but I'm solely living for them. So they aren't hurt. I don't think it's selfish for me to want peace.

I've had a failed attempt and their anguish and how badly it's affected them makes me feel terrible that I know i'm likely to try again.

I feel guilty too, I know how many people wish they had what I had. I'm endlessly grateful but god, does it make the thought of leaving hard.

I feel both ways. I feel like they'd be better off in some ways, but I know they'd be crushed, regretful, and never forget this.

 

[CantDoIt]

I feel the same way.
I have loving family and partner but I messed up my life so bad and I'm in a lot of pain over my mistakes.
I'm very ashamed of everything that happened and when I imagine everything they've done for me it feels horrible.

But I feel like something about me must be inherently wrong or off in a way. I don't want to live for others, I want to be free.

I hope I can let them know how much they mean to me.

 

[astonishedturnip]

It's awful, but I'll see posts on other sites of people having their parents goad them into suicide or tell them that they wouldn't care, and I'm kind of jealous. My death would destroy my parents, even worse from suicide. And I know how lucky I am to have such a close and loving family. But somehow it just makes things worse, knowing that it isn't forever, that the clock is ticking and one day my parents will die and the family will scatter... I just wish to die before then. If my parents sat me down and said "It sucks but honestly, go ahead, do what you want, we'll survive," I'd be dead within the next ten minutes with a smile on my face. But then, I'm aware I'm an extremely weak and fragile person, and I've never been able to find a support system that lasts that I could lean on.

 

[nembutal]

lol fk you and everyone replying in agreement honestly, youd be less miserable if you held gratitude for your blessings. it's as though you are begging to feel worse. so many users on this forum would do the unthinkable for a family who gave an ounce of a shit about them. half of my mental issues would be eliminated if i had just come out of a different pussy. i had to learn to be grateful that my mother "only" verbally abused me. you don't think that's fucked up? no shit you're unhappy, you have no semblance of gratitude.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Idk man. My dad sexually abused me and my mom didn't give a fuck. Wanna trade? Do you envy me? Would being raised the way I was make things better for you?

 

[releasefrompain]

Everyone walks a different path, and we can't compare every one to every other. People might want to ctb for reasons that others cannot comprehend. I think we should all have compassion for anyone who wants to, for whatever reason, even if we'd change places with them or feel ourselves worse off than them.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I really fucking wish I had no-one. Truly. Really wish the immediate people in my life hated me, or were indifferent, or even were not super close. Isn't that crazy, it's become a curse. Not super popular, don't have many close friends nowadays. Have some good cousins, aunties and uncles. Unfortunately have a very close family member. I hope she never reads this.

I feel this deeply.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm going to be completely blunt here, and I will likely get hate, but hey ho, shit happens.

First of all you are incredibly lucky you are so loved. A lot of us here would give anything to know what that feels like.

You are so ungrateful. Have you never been taught to be grateful for what you have? Do you know how many people have ABUSIVE families, wishing desperately someone gave a shit, to show love to stop them from killing themselves... and you... you're sitting there saying you WISH you didn't have people that loved you so you couldn't kill yourself? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Poor you. So loved. Cry me a fucking river.

Try putting yourself in others shoes. 'I wish I wasn't loved so I could kill myself'. Fuck me. What's the world coming to?! Or this site. Never thought I'd hear that. You want pity because you're fucking LOVED.

This entire post made my blood boil.

Totally wish I could trade my abusive home to a loving family, then I wouldn't be so fucked in the head, dealing with trauma my entire life and wanting to end it all the time. But.... you WISH you had a family that didn't love you? Wtf. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't make it easier to kill yourself just because no one gives a shit about you.

Learn to appreciate what you have. I've never heard someone so ungrateful for... being loved. Loved. I don't even know what that is.

I felt physically sick reading your post. 'Woe is me, so loved'. The audacity to complain that you're loved. Christ. Whatever next? Poor me I had money growing up, I wish I was poor? People are so ungrateful. It is sickening.

I honestly don't care that I'll get hate. That's fine, but if you had an ounce of empathy, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said you wished you wasn't loved. Come on.

Anyone trying to quote me to argue, I shall ignore. And don't try to tell me to see if from OP's perspective - there is no fucking comparison.

OP, learn to be grateful for your family. Seriously. I am still shocked reading this. You are loved. People care for you. Do something with it. Show some gratitude! I don't think you realise the impact your post has.

I hope everything eases for you anyway

 

[Kta1994]

I can relate, im going through this atm

 

[Manfrotto99]

It's so strange reading this. I always thought having a loving supportive family or family who needs and loves you would shield you from ctb and give you strength and reason to fight and keep going on. I wish I had this rather than the narcissitic abusive family I havd who have contributed to my cbt and don't care less. But then my depression has been diagnosed as mostly circumstantial and I guess that is the big difference.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm going to be completely blunt here, and I will likely get hate, but hey ho, shit happens.

First of all you are incredibly lucky you are so loved. A lot of us here would give anything to know what that feels like.

You are so ungrateful. Have you never been taught to be grateful for what you have? Do you know how many people have ABUSIVE families, wishing desperately someone gave a shit, to show love to stop them from killing themselves... and you... you're sitting there saying you WISH you didn't have people that loved you so you couldn't kill yourself? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Poor you. So loved. Cry me a fucking river.

Try putting yourself in others shoes. 'I wish I wasn't loved so I could kill myself'. Fuck me. What's the world coming to?! Or this site. Never thought I'd hear that. You want pity because you're fucking LOVED.

This entire post made my blood boil.

Totally wish I could trade my abusive home to a loving family, then I wouldn't be so fucked in the head, dealing with trauma my entire life and wanting to end it all the time. But.... you WISH you had a family that didn't love you? Wtf. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't make it easier to kill yourself just because no one gives a shit about you.

Learn to appreciate what you have. I've never heard someone so ungrateful for... being loved. Loved. I don't even know what that is.

I felt physically sick reading your post. 'Woe is me, so loved'. The audacity to complain that you're loved. Christ. Whatever next? Poor me I had money growing up, I wish I was poor? People are so ungrateful. It is sickening.

I honestly don't care that I'll get hate. That's fine, but if you had an ounce of empathy, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said you wished you wasn't loved. Come on.

Anyone trying to quote me to argue, I shall ignore. And don't try to tell me to see if from OP's perspective - there is no fucking comparison.

OP, learn to be grateful for your family. Seriously. I am still shocked reading this. You are loved. People care for you. Do something with it. Show some gratitude! I don't think you realise the impact your post has.

I hope everything eases for you anyway

Amen brother. Thanks for saying what I didn't have the energy to type up.

 

[almaPerdida]

I feel the exact same way. It's hard to think about the wound i will leave behind, i don't like the idea of hurting my parents, brother and friends. But even with all of them close to me, i still don't wanna live. I don't want to keep going and i don't wanna have them worried with me if i ask for help.

I love them a lot and i'm grateful for everything, but it isn't enough to make me want to live. It's not their fault or anybody's fault. It's actually worse feeling forced to live because of how they will feel, despite my wish to don't feel anything. I feel forced to live a life i don't just because of others. They can't fix my mind and i don't think i can fix it myself too.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I'm going to be completely blunt here, and I will likely get hate, but hey ho, shit happens.

First of all you are incredibly lucky you are so loved. A lot of us here would give anything to know what that feels like.

You are so ungrateful. Have you never been taught to be grateful for what you have? Do you know how many people have ABUSIVE families, wishing desperately someone gave a shit, to show love to stop them from killing themselves... and you... you're sitting there saying you WISH you didn't have people that loved you so you couldn't kill yourself? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Poor you. So loved. Cry me a fucking river.

Try putting yourself in others shoes. 'I wish I wasn't loved so I could kill myself'. Fuck me. What's the world coming to?! Or this site. Never thought I'd hear that. You want pity because you're fucking LOVED.

This entire post made my blood boil.

Totally wish I could trade my abusive home to a loving family, then I wouldn't be so fucked in the head, dealing with trauma my entire life and wanting to end it all the time. But.... you WISH you had a family that didn't love you? Wtf. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't make it easier to kill yourself just because no one gives a shit about you.

Learn to appreciate what you have. I've never heard someone so ungrateful for... being loved. Loved. I don't even know what that is.

I felt physically sick reading your post. 'Woe is me, so loved'. The audacity to complain that you're loved. Christ. Whatever next? Poor me I had money growing up, I wish I was poor? People are so ungrateful. It is sickening.

I honestly don't care that I'll get hate. That's fine, but if you had an ounce of empathy, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said you wished you wasn't loved. Come on.

Anyone trying to quote me to argue, I shall ignore. And don't try to tell me to see if from OP's perspective - there is no fucking comparison.

OP, learn to be grateful for your family. Seriously. I am still shocked reading this. You are loved. People care for you. Do something with it. Show some gratitude! I don't think you realise the impact your post has.

I hope everything eases for you anyway

While I hear you and have no intention to argue with you, absolutely no one here is shitting on your experience, invalidating you, calling you unempathic or implying that you should be grateful for your own pain so I really don't see the reason for you doing it to the OP. I am truly sorry that you don't feel loved and I deeply wish that you did, but I do want to add that love isn't a magical cure-all to suffering. For some of us it's rather painful. It doesn't mean that we're not "grateful" for it, but it is certainly more complex than that. Personally, I have been abused by several people whom I loved and who claimed to love me, parents included. It has made me terrified of it, yet I can't get rid off it. I can't make people unlove me and I can't unlove people. It's a living hell at times.

When it comes to CTB it creates a whole other dimension of suffering too. Everyone here is in pain, we still want out and for that to happen we have to be able to accept the fact that we'd traumatize people we love, which is something that a lot of people have a hard time with. It's actually a horrible ambivalence. Just because you can't relate to the struggles of someone doesn't make those struggles less valid.

 

[voltage268]

lol fk you and everyone replying in agreement honestly, youd be less miserable if you held gratitude for your blessings. it's as though you are begging to feel worse. so many users on this forum would do the unthinkable for a family who gave an ounce of a shit about them. half of my mental issues would be eliminated if i had just come out of a different pussy. i had to learn to be grateful that my mother "only" verbally abused me. you don't think that's fucked up? no shit you're unhappy, you have no semblance of gratitude.

Thanks for the quick judgement. By stating that half of your mental issues would be eliminated based on your family, you're implying that half of your mental illness is situational, mine is 100% biological. I guess you can't understand why rich or good looking people take their own lives either, maybe they should've appreciated those things more. Maybe Robin Williams or Chester Bennington were selfish, they had pretty loving families from what they've said. Maybe count your blessings you've never experienced severe mental illness, maybe you would understand why the love of a family, money, good looks don't count for shit when you feel like you're on fire each day. Yes it is that serious for some of us. Some days are more manageable. You only read the thread title if you didn't read or discern any gratitude for my parents from my post. Maybe read a couple of the responses here who understand or are we all ungrateful too.

Have you ever inhaled charcoal smoke in the dead of the night daily for months on end to try and induce lung issues to avoid your family having to deal with the shame of suicide so that you could painfully leave this world while giving them a chance to say goodbye? Suicide doesn't give you that chance. Do you know what kind of people do that? Fucking idiots, or truly mentally desperate people whose minds are so clouded that they act irrationally. That's what years of severe mental illness can do to someone. Have you ever been to A&E multiple times being pumped with morphine because your head is on fire? I stay living for them. I'm in mental pain every fucking day. I love myself, always try and be positive and overcome and help others in my boat, sharing what I've managed to learn along the way. Maybe walk a mile in someone's shoes before making hasty judgements, especially as a user on a suicide forum. You don't know what I've done for my parents over the years, they call me the best son and it hurts. Maybe I should've been an arsehole so my death would hurt them less. See sancta-simplicitas' response below. Take your own advice.

It's so strange reading this. I always thought having a loving supportive family or family who needs and loves you would shield you from ctb and give you strength and reason to fight and keep going on. I wish I had this rather than the narcissitic abusive family I havd who have contributed to my cbt and don't care less. But then my depression has been diagnosed as mostly circumstantial and I guess that is the big difference.

Thanks for understanding, you hit the nail on the head. I don't think anything can shield you from mental illness developing, for sure it can be triggered by our childhood environment and be induced later on but sometimes you can have everything on the outside and be on fire on the inside. I'm sorry you've had to deal with narcissistic abuse from people who should've built you up in your formative years, hopefully you've been able to distance yourself and unravel the lies they've no doubt been telling you, and are in a better place.

I'm going to be completely blunt here, and I will likely get hate, but hey ho, shit happens.

First of all you are incredibly lucky you are so loved. A lot of us here would give anything to know what that feels like.

You are so ungrateful. Have you never been taught to be grateful for what you have? Do you know how many people have ABUSIVE families, wishing desperately someone gave a shit, to show love to stop them from killing themselves... and you... you're sitting there saying you WISH you didn't have people that loved you so you couldn't kill yourself? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

Poor you. So loved. Cry me a fucking river.

Try putting yourself in others shoes. 'I wish I wasn't loved so I could kill myself'. Fuck me. What's the world coming to?! Or this site. Never thought I'd hear that. You want pity because you're fucking LOVED.

This entire post made my blood boil.

Totally wish I could trade my abusive home to a loving family, then I wouldn't be so fucked in the head, dealing with trauma my entire life and wanting to end it all the time. But.... you WISH you had a family that didn't love you? Wtf. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't make it easier to kill yourself just because no one gives a shit about you.

Learn to appreciate what you have. I've never heard someone so ungrateful for... being loved. Loved. I don't even know what that is.

I felt physically sick reading your post. 'Woe is me, so loved'. The audacity to complain that you're loved. Christ. Whatever next? Poor me I had money growing up, I wish I was poor? People are so ungrateful. It is sickening.

I honestly don't care that I'll get hate. That's fine, but if you had an ounce of empathy, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said you wished you wasn't loved. Come on.

Anyone trying to quote me to argue, I shall ignore. And don't try to tell me to see if from OP's perspective - there is no fucking comparison.

OP, learn to be grateful for your family. Seriously. I am still shocked reading this. You are loved. People care for you. Do something with it. Show some gratitude! I don't think you realise the impact your post has.

I hope everything eases for you anyway

I appreciate the response. Please see my above response to nembutal but said with a bit more grace lol despite the fact that I sicken you both. If you can't understand that, then I don't know what to tell you; you're lucky you can't comprehend, or believe that kind of life experience exists for some of us. I wish life was as black and white as you're implying. Don't worry, my parents know how much I love them, and help them daily. See sancta-simplicitas' response below if you're struggling.

Idk man. My dad sexually abused me and my mom didn't give a fuck. Wanna trade? Do you envy me? Would being raised the way I was make things better for you?

Too many intangibles to say which person's life is 'better' or 'worse', I know you're asking rhetorically, we're obviously all hurting here and come from different sources of suffering, desperate enough to consider taking our lives. For what it's worth I'm really sorry you went through that and were dealt a shit hand. If you want any context please see above, said with a bit more grace, I got a bit of hate but I appreciate people's POVs and know we're all hurting here. Please check out sancta-simplicitas' response below, they summarised the whole thing better than me.

While I hear you and have no intention to argue with you, absolutely no one here is shitting on your experience, invalidating you, calling you unempathic or implying that you should be grateful for your own pain so I really don't see the reason for you doing it to the OP. I am truly sorry that you don't feel loved and I deeply wish that you did, but I do want to add that love isn't a magical cure-all to suffering. For some of us it's rather painful. It doesn't mean that we're not "grateful" for it, but it is certainly more complex than that. Personally, I have been abused by several people whom I loved and who claimed to love me, parents included. It has made me terrified of it, yet I can't get rid off it. I can't make people unlove me and I can't unlove people. It's a living hell at times.

When it comes to CTB it creates a whole other dimension of suffering too. Everyone here is in pain, we still want out and for that to happen we have to be able to accept the fact that we'd traumatize people we love, which is something that a lot of people have a hard time with. It's actually a horrible ambivalence. Just because you can't relate to the struggles of someone doesn't make those struggles less valid.

Thank you sancta-simplicitas, you put it perfectly.

 

[releasefrompain]

My reason to want to ctb is a neurological condition that causes severe nerve pain in my face. Meds won't help, even morphine, and it's getting worse daily. It's considered to be one of the most painful conditions known to man. I am scared shitless of what my future holds. I'm already in constant pain and it's becoming unbearable. My mom tries to help every day, and my ctb would destroy her. Early on I mentioned it, and she told me she would never forgive me. The only reason I go on is for her, and because I don't know a sure-fire way of doing it yet. That's why I'm here on this site. If my mom didn't want me to live so desperately, I wouldn't want to live at all, not like this, in so much physical pain. I would trade emotional pain for this physical pain in a heartbeat. I've suffered from bipolar depression and dysphoric mania many times over, but it's nothing compared to this. I wish I had cancer instead, because at least there would be a foreseeable end to it.

My mom, although she means well, is inadvertently prolonging my suffering. I try to convey to her how unbearable it's becoming,without making her suspect my plans. The rest of my family means a great deal to me, but they don't check in on me. I want to live for them too. I have a great career, which I might lose anyway, but I have a lot to live for. That makes it all the more difficult to ctb.

I would never say that I wish I had no one who cared if I lived or died. That would be callous and unsympathetic. But I do wish my mom and family would let me go, and understand why I need to go. Unfortunately in our society, family members force us to live even when we are in so much pain that we feel the need to exit.

One of my friends, who suffered from mental illness caused by meth use when he was 13, attempted ctb by gasoline and fire. His mom put it out and made him live. He lived for 10 days, burned over 90% of his body, until he finally passed . I think it was cruel and selfish of her. In this case, her love for him was so "great" that she'd rather force him live the rest of his life like that than respect his intense need to ctb. This is a clear case of having someone love you too much to let you part from this world on your own terms.

 

[ADBoy777]

Same it's the only thing that makes me hesitate about ctb. I know it will break them