Enough

[Lutembëe]

Actually I just want to vent because I can't do it in "real life".

This summer, I learned that I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2. I alternate phases of euphoria and depression, and no treatment is right for me, with significant side effects. This diagnosis has been a sledgehammer blow, no longer seeing any way to improve my mental state. I am 24 years old, and I have had suicidal urges for 10 years. I have tried to hang myself, stab myself in the abdomen, I have taken a lot of medication, which has left me scarred from blackouts. I have been hospitalized several times in psychiatric hospitals since I was a teenager, and my condition was even worse when I was discharged.

Before my diagnosis, I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasn't like everyone else. When I talked to my friends about it, they told me that I had everything going for me. And that's not wrong, I'm currently doing a PhD and I was a model for a few years. But my mental state has always rotten my life and I've been fed up with it for too long.

Today I see no way out, and I am determined to end my life soon. Nothing can stop me, not my boyfriend or my mother who is sick. I hide my diagnosis from everyone, my boyfriend told me that if I was bipolar he would leave me because his mother is also bipolar. Only on this site can I talk about it and find people who understand me.

I have a social life, but I'm slowly drifting away from my friends because I know I'll be leaving soon. And I talk to them less and less because I know that they won't understand my condition or my decision. I stay at home in a closed house drinking vodka and smoking. I've always been self-destructive, even in my relationship with boys. I hate myself and I want to hurt myself as much as possible.

I ordered my SN this morning, and I'm so hopeful that there won't be any problems with the delivery. I have been looking forward to this moment, the moment when I will finally have a way to end my life in a serene and peaceful way. I don't know when I'll do it yet, but my SN has yet to arrive. I'll give myself a few weeks or months. I can no longer live in this state, my suicidal desires accompany me every day, the idea of dying soon soothes me before I go to sleep. It becomes an obsession, I even look at this site at work. I can no longer concentrate on my work, and I haven't been working on my PhD for several weeks now.

I am so glad I found this site, and talk to people who understand me. This site will accompany me until the end of my short life.

The thought of being able to die peacefully soon soothes me. I'm so stressed about the SN delivery.

 

[randomz]

I am sorry that life brought you to this state. I hope you think on your decision carefully and exhaust all other options to get better. Are you taking any meds to help with the bipolar? I hope everything turns out great for you.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Just a small piece of advice don't allow your diagnosis to define you. So many people get hung up on having a label attached, but it doesn't need to define who you are, you are more than your diagnosis.

 

[Cutepoison]

I know how you feel <3 suicide is on my mind 24/7, and like you, even while at work I read this site.
I'm here for you if you want to talk.

 

[LetItBleed]

Actually I just want to vent because I can't do it in "real life".

This summer, I learned that I suffer from bipolar disorder type 2. I alternate phases of euphoria and depression, and no treatment is right for me, with significant side effects. This diagnosis has been a sledgehammer blow, no longer seeing any way to improve my mental state. I am 24 years old, and I have had suicidal urges for 10 years. I have tried to hang myself, stab myself in the abdomen, I have taken a lot of medication, which has left me scarred from blackouts. I have been hospitalized several times in psychiatric hospitals since I was a teenager, and my condition was even worse when I was discharged.

Before my diagnosis, I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasn't like everyone else. When I talked to my friends about it, they told me that I had everything going for me. And that's not wrong, I'm currently doing a PhD and I was a model for a few years. But my mental state has always rotten my life and I've been fed up with it for too long.

Today I see no way out, and I am determined to end my life soon. Nothing can stop me, not my boyfriend or my mother who is sick. I hide my diagnosis from everyone, my boyfriend told me that if I was bipolar he would leave me because his mother is also bipolar. Only on this site can I talk about it and find people who understand me.

I have a social life, but I'm slowly drifting away from my friends because I know I'll be leaving soon. And I talk to them less and less because I know that they won't understand my condition or my decision. I stay at home in a closed house drinking vodka and smoking. I've always been self-destructive, even in my relationship with boys. I hate myself and I want to hurt myself as much as possible.

I ordered my SN this morning, and I'm so hopeful that there won't be any problems with the delivery. I have been looking forward to this moment, the moment when I will finally have a way to end my life in a serene and peaceful way. I don't know when I'll do it yet, but my SN has yet to arrive. I'll give myself a few weeks or months. I can no longer live in this state, my suicidal desires accompany me every day, the idea of dying soon soothes me before I go to sleep. It becomes an obsession, I even look at this site at work. I can no longer concentrate on my work, and I haven't been working on my PhD for several weeks now.

I am so glad I found this site, and talk to people who understand me. This site will accompany me until the end of my short life.

The thought of being able to die peacefully soon soothes me. I'm so stressed about the SN delivery.

I don't know why but this moved me. I guess I see a little bit of myself in your pain. Having a lot of things going for you doesn't magically make the pain go away. Sometimes I think it's even worse, because you feel like you're built in a different way. In a way that can't regularly process happiness.
Funnily enough, for me, it's been worse since I finished my PhD. That thing I hated to work on and made me feel like shit actually gave me a purpose, somehow.

I'm glad you're taking a few more weeks and months to think about all this. I hope you can find the strength in you to be better and at peace. I'll have some wine tonight, saving you a glass in my mind. BTW I'm French too if you ever want to talk you can PM me. Been reading a lot of French books about the topic.

Cheers,

 

[Lutembëe]

Thanks for the support and the love, I really appreciate that !

@randomz I don't take meds anymore.
I've tried too many treatments and nothing worked for me. I gained weight and had significant side effects. I lie to my psychiatrist and say I'm taking them. I'm trying to do without them. I feel like I'm being dumber with these meds. I've been taking Tercian to sleep for almost a year, and I'm losing my concentration and I'm losing my words. But I can't stop... I'm afraid I'll brood at night and my mood will get worse.

@Suicide_vampire Thanks for your words.
You're right, I'm more than that. But I'm having trouble getting rid of the stigma. On the one hand, it comforts me to know that it's not my fault that I'm like this, that there's an explanation behind my mood swings. But on the other hand, I feel so different and wonder every day what I did to deserve this. I am followed by a psychologist in addition to the psychiatrist, and we are working on this very issue of stigma.

@Cutepoison Thank you very much, you can also PM me if you want to talk

@LetItBleed Merci beaucoup pour ton message, on a l'air d'avoir tellement de points communs... Cela en est troublant. Je veux bien qu'on discute par MP, cela me fait plaisir de croiser des Français qui me comprennent ici, cela me manque tellement dans "la vie réelle". J'espère que le vin était bon, et cela me fait plaisir que tu aies bu un verre pour moi .