MeSauce
Bored of Life.
- Jun 1, 2023
- 110
Context: I just recently turned 20 and I have my own car. I should mention that my yeet sessions are under 30 seconds long. I don't even like the pain, it's more like I'm challenging myself to see how far I can go, what is the biggest scar I can get. I also never sleep with my bandages on.
I was originally going to go for a 7 day streak but yesterday I hit beans and I realized that I can't really afford to go to the hospital or urgent care because they would probably hospitalize me, then I would lose my job and everything would just start to fall apart.
The main trigger for me to start self harming again was my parents took away something I bought that I was going to use for my job. They took it away from me because it had rope in it and I have suicidal thoughts and they were worried that I might use it to hang myself with.
I was on my way back from work when I kept thinking about all the ways my parents pissed me off, and them taking away that thing I bought with my own money was the last straw. So I said "fuck it" and pulled into a walgreens parking lot and bought my supplies.
Once I was in my own room I went for it and did 7 cuts on the palm side of my left forearm. Idk how deep I got because they didn't gape open but they are probably styro. Then the next day I did the same thing, 7 cuts in the same spot just a little closer to the wrist. This time I had 4 small styro cuts and 3 big styro cuts, the kind that gape open and look kind of like an eye slit, you know the kind.
One of the worst parts about the whole experience is I work a job where I have to work for around 8 hours and I don't really get a break in between. So I have to keep the bandages on for a while if the cuts are bleeding, and when I get home I have to re-dress the wound. So I have to rip off the gauze that coagulated with the blood to the cut site and it rips out the scab. Honestly, taking off the bandages and gauze after a full day's work hurts a lot more then the cuts ever did.
Day 3 I decided to switch to the right forearm, palm side. Around 9 cuts this time, most were barely styro but 2 of them were styro and gaped open. At this point, I'm just testing to see how deep I can go.
Day 4 I got bold. More pressure. I want to go deeper. 7 cuts on the palm side of my right forearm. All of them split open to show me their depth, a slick, pale white indicative of the dermis, but no fat, yet.
Day 5, the day was friday. After I got home from work and ripped the badages off as per usual(agonizing) I decided where I wanted to go next. I decided to cut myself on my right forearm, on the opposite side of the palm. 7 cuts. This day was the day I noticed a few tiny little specks of yellow in one of the deeper cuts. Had I finally hit beans? Did I do it? I think so, but I was not content with merely gazing upon the doorway, I wanted to walk through. I wanted to hit beans, not barely graze them. I wanted to go deeper.
Day 6. Saturday. Yesterday. Each day had been progressively deeper cuts, this day might be the day I hit beans. I decided to cut myself on my left forearm, backhand side of the forearm. I got my supplies out, prepared myself, and started. 8 cuts. All varied from barely a cat scratch to beans. Beans. I have done it. I hit beans. I know because when the razor passed the skin, I was greeted by the familar white giving way to a yellowish, lumpy tissue. It looked like a bunch of yellow orbeez were under my skin lol. And for a few brief moments I was able to look and how far I had come before the blood obscured my view.
This time was different. With most of my other cuts, I just disinfect the cut, put wet gauze on the wound then dry gauze on top of the wet gauze, then bandage the whole thing up. I leave there for an hour or two before changing the bandages. Usually by the time Ive changed the bandages once or teice, the bleeding has stopped. But when I hit beans, I had to change out the bandage 5 times before the bleeding stopped, around 6-7 hours later. To clarify, it wasn't constant bleeding, but whenever I took the gauze off, it would start bleeding again. I know I didn't hit a vein because I did research into where the veins and arteries in the arm are located specifically so I DON'T hit them.
I realized that if I kept doing this, I would probably end up in the hospital, and I can't have that happen. So that is it. Ending the self-harm streak on day 6. If you read all this, congrats, here is some virtual coffee 4 u.
️
I was originally going to go for a 7 day streak but yesterday I hit beans and I realized that I can't really afford to go to the hospital or urgent care because they would probably hospitalize me, then I would lose my job and everything would just start to fall apart.
The main trigger for me to start self harming again was my parents took away something I bought that I was going to use for my job. They took it away from me because it had rope in it and I have suicidal thoughts and they were worried that I might use it to hang myself with.
I was on my way back from work when I kept thinking about all the ways my parents pissed me off, and them taking away that thing I bought with my own money was the last straw. So I said "fuck it" and pulled into a walgreens parking lot and bought my supplies.
Once I was in my own room I went for it and did 7 cuts on the palm side of my left forearm. Idk how deep I got because they didn't gape open but they are probably styro. Then the next day I did the same thing, 7 cuts in the same spot just a little closer to the wrist. This time I had 4 small styro cuts and 3 big styro cuts, the kind that gape open and look kind of like an eye slit, you know the kind.
One of the worst parts about the whole experience is I work a job where I have to work for around 8 hours and I don't really get a break in between. So I have to keep the bandages on for a while if the cuts are bleeding, and when I get home I have to re-dress the wound. So I have to rip off the gauze that coagulated with the blood to the cut site and it rips out the scab. Honestly, taking off the bandages and gauze after a full day's work hurts a lot more then the cuts ever did.
Day 3 I decided to switch to the right forearm, palm side. Around 9 cuts this time, most were barely styro but 2 of them were styro and gaped open. At this point, I'm just testing to see how deep I can go.
Day 4 I got bold. More pressure. I want to go deeper. 7 cuts on the palm side of my right forearm. All of them split open to show me their depth, a slick, pale white indicative of the dermis, but no fat, yet.
Day 5, the day was friday. After I got home from work and ripped the badages off as per usual(agonizing) I decided where I wanted to go next. I decided to cut myself on my right forearm, on the opposite side of the palm. 7 cuts. This day was the day I noticed a few tiny little specks of yellow in one of the deeper cuts. Had I finally hit beans? Did I do it? I think so, but I was not content with merely gazing upon the doorway, I wanted to walk through. I wanted to hit beans, not barely graze them. I wanted to go deeper.
Day 6. Saturday. Yesterday. Each day had been progressively deeper cuts, this day might be the day I hit beans. I decided to cut myself on my left forearm, backhand side of the forearm. I got my supplies out, prepared myself, and started. 8 cuts. All varied from barely a cat scratch to beans. Beans. I have done it. I hit beans. I know because when the razor passed the skin, I was greeted by the familar white giving way to a yellowish, lumpy tissue. It looked like a bunch of yellow orbeez were under my skin lol. And for a few brief moments I was able to look and how far I had come before the blood obscured my view.
This time was different. With most of my other cuts, I just disinfect the cut, put wet gauze on the wound then dry gauze on top of the wet gauze, then bandage the whole thing up. I leave there for an hour or two before changing the bandages. Usually by the time Ive changed the bandages once or teice, the bleeding has stopped. But when I hit beans, I had to change out the bandage 5 times before the bleeding stopped, around 6-7 hours later. To clarify, it wasn't constant bleeding, but whenever I took the gauze off, it would start bleeding again. I know I didn't hit a vein because I did research into where the veins and arteries in the arm are located specifically so I DON'T hit them.
I realized that if I kept doing this, I would probably end up in the hospital, and I can't have that happen. So that is it. Ending the self-harm streak on day 6. If you read all this, congrats, here is some virtual coffee 4 u.
️
