SleepyBB
My Own Reaper
- May 15, 2022
- 31
I'm a let down to myself. I didn't live up to my own expectations at the age of 25 and now I'm stuck in a job that I hate. In a tiny apartment. I feel like I really don't have a future. I failed several times in college and essentially dropped out. I didn't even get an associates.
I feel as though I'm highly incompetent. I can't balance school and work at the same time. I can't even get myself to do the school work itself to tell you the truth. I don't think I'll ever get to a higher place than where I am at now. I'm very hopeless.
My family loves me very much. I've held it together all these years and not ctb because of my little brother. I didn't want to mess him up. He's older now, 17. No matter what age it would mess him up still, I get it. I don't want to hurt my family but I'm so done with everything. The uncertainty, the rat race, the medications, the bills, the planning. I want it to end. I want to give up but I love them so much. And thinking about how I would never be able to spend another holiday with them, birthday, or memory makes me so sad. Because that's what I would be doing. Taking that away from them. I also think about all the fond memories I've made with myself and others friends. How I would throw those away. Also throwing away everything my mom worked for to support me over the years, all of that effort and money -- gone away.
But I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of letting myself down/go.
I've struggled with wanting to take my own life since I was very young ~6/7 yo. I've managed to get through it but in general I could never go more than a few weeks/months before I felt the sadness creeping in again. I've got a counselor that I've been seeing regularly but it doesn't seem to help all that much truthfuly. I enjoy seeing my counselor, I just don't know how to measure success. I'm likely not helping myself imo but I often don't have it in me. I've always thought to myself growing up, "don't worry you'll get it figured out and you'll get yourself into a good place". It never happened ofc. I procrastinated my life away hoping someone would come along and help me. I didn't want to help myself then and I clearly don't want to help myself now. I don't see it happening in the future.
I was diagnosed bipolar and the psych I'm seeing is trying to find the right combo of meds at the moment. I hate having to wait for things to just get better. The bipolar diagnosis makes sense in a lot of different ways in my life but goddamn it, its hard. I also had a substance abuse issue because I was so depressed last year I was spending every minute high on cannibis. I broke that habbit and besides a one-off incident two days ago, I hadn't smoked in over a month. I also have ADHD and before I was diagnosed MDD.
I'm thinking a lot about writing a long letter to my family, relatives, and friends letting them know how much I love all of them and leaving it for the cops to find after I ctb. I won't leave without a note.
I feel as though I'm highly incompetent. I can't balance school and work at the same time. I can't even get myself to do the school work itself to tell you the truth. I don't think I'll ever get to a higher place than where I am at now. I'm very hopeless.
My family loves me very much. I've held it together all these years and not ctb because of my little brother. I didn't want to mess him up. He's older now, 17. No matter what age it would mess him up still, I get it. I don't want to hurt my family but I'm so done with everything. The uncertainty, the rat race, the medications, the bills, the planning. I want it to end. I want to give up but I love them so much. And thinking about how I would never be able to spend another holiday with them, birthday, or memory makes me so sad. Because that's what I would be doing. Taking that away from them. I also think about all the fond memories I've made with myself and others friends. How I would throw those away. Also throwing away everything my mom worked for to support me over the years, all of that effort and money -- gone away.
But I'm tired of suffering, I'm tired of letting myself down/go.
I've struggled with wanting to take my own life since I was very young ~6/7 yo. I've managed to get through it but in general I could never go more than a few weeks/months before I felt the sadness creeping in again. I've got a counselor that I've been seeing regularly but it doesn't seem to help all that much truthfuly. I enjoy seeing my counselor, I just don't know how to measure success. I'm likely not helping myself imo but I often don't have it in me. I've always thought to myself growing up, "don't worry you'll get it figured out and you'll get yourself into a good place". It never happened ofc. I procrastinated my life away hoping someone would come along and help me. I didn't want to help myself then and I clearly don't want to help myself now. I don't see it happening in the future.
I was diagnosed bipolar and the psych I'm seeing is trying to find the right combo of meds at the moment. I hate having to wait for things to just get better. The bipolar diagnosis makes sense in a lot of different ways in my life but goddamn it, its hard. I also had a substance abuse issue because I was so depressed last year I was spending every minute high on cannibis. I broke that habbit and besides a one-off incident two days ago, I hadn't smoked in over a month. I also have ADHD and before I was diagnosed MDD.
I'm thinking a lot about writing a long letter to my family, relatives, and friends letting them know how much I love all of them and leaving it for the cops to find after I ctb. I won't leave without a note.
