Story Empty Shell

[SoulWhisperer]

I am the shell of what I used to be.

PS: 500~ Words long story post. (Maybe one of many)

I'm coming from a morning in the hospital for a basic check. Although I have a severe phobia of medical environments and needles, regardless of what I need to do. The more I aged up, the more it got worse for some reason. I had some trauma in the past about medic stuff that prolly was the cherry on top.

Anyways, done this and that the nurses were chatting with me about random topics, the usual routine for overly anxious patients I suppose. Then they start asking me about my future and stuff (Do note, I am relatively young and I don't work yet) to which I could only answer with lies on top of other lies of course. I couldn't tell the truth about how broken I was and all of that to random strangers.

However that got me thinking. Back some, several years I wasn't depressed, I wasn't suicidal. I was normal. Although here we're talking about middle school stuff when I wasn't even 12 for instance. At that age I could talk to people, I wasn't hyperfixated on mental health and had mainstream interests like other kids which promotome to have a pretty tame life, some bullying aside.

One day that cycle of "peace" was broken, and ever since my life has only gone down and deeper down into an abyss. I started to lose contacts, developing (undiagnosed) mental health issues to this day, kept alienating myself from the "average" life a person should have. To the point I became an "abnormality" in the system, a social junk for the matter.

All of this to say that along with being a normal person with no underlying issues I used to have normal dreams. Getting high school done, university and becoming a doctor myself. Well, I still love medicine and science, however failures in life had other plans for me, which caused my progressive and restless downfall.

Now here I am, the empty shell of what I used to be. I am broken, I want to die so badly (even if funnily enough I am INCREDIBLY afraid of hospitals and stuff), almost have no hope left, no one to assist and help me irl and all I have to deal with is myself, the abuse and the pain.

I no longer can yearn for dreams. And it saddens me to my broken heart to lie to people, telling them I "dream big" when in reality I only dream to be "okay". Everyone assumes I'm okay and that I'll become prestigious and known. My family thinks and assumes I'll just go through all and emerge victorious, not stopping minimally to think about what I have to say about my OWN life.

I am sorry for myself to being stuck into letting down everyone. The world has let me down and now my existence is turning it back into others.

Sorry.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yeah puberty ruins lives I was also a very happy child but after I turned 14 I started to get depressed and suicidal for the sole reason of the release of teenage hormones because before that time I was the happiest child ever so fuck puberty!

I also get it´s so hard to have undiagnosed illnesses and it´s so annoying when you can see doctors, nurses etc. start chatting a bit away from you and you can just tell they either don´t believe you like you´re crazy or they start talking about diagnoses it might be this or that but it´s nothing of the sort and you just know you´re the odd one out that doesn´t fit into the box, I´d rather have a horrible diagnosis where there at least are meds that can help treat it even if it isn´t cureable but at least I would know what it was. I have been to countless doctors and "experts" over the last 10 years and no one knows anything you just get pushed around in the system to incompetent people who only have their little checklist with common illnesses they know and when they can´t find anything you either get told they can´t do anything here or they send you on to the next incompetent person that can´t help. And there are people out there with rare illnesses like only a handful of people in the world suffers from like you see in programs where they happen to find a doctor who knows the answer but where we live apparently that isn´t possible.

I also often use the phrase "I am just a shell of the person I once was" because I truly am, I used to have humor, be happy and fun to be around I used to laugh a lot I am nothing like that now it´s hard to believe the past I remember was even real since it was so far ago that it´s hard to phatom how I could have been so happy, laughed so much and had such an excitement towards life I am truly just an empty shell of the person I once was it is like a Dementor (from Harry Potter) came by me several times in my life and just drained me from my happiness.