borderline-feline
Constantly Sleepy Catgirl
- Dec 28, 2022
- 645
I've been more liberal about blocking people on social media the past week, and I think it's a double-edged sword. On one hand, my blood pressure is a lot lower without the bullshit that I was seeing in every direction, and I've avoided intentionally triggering myself. On the other hand, I'm just lost. Intense anger is impossible for me to control, and it makes me lash out at people and burst into tears, but without it, I feel empty and purposeless.
I don't know which is the lesser evil, because they both leave me miserable. I guess the anger at least gives me something to do instead of just sitting around in my living room. I think all of the most unhealthy traits of my personality are the ones that I need the most. I need the uncontrollable anger, the naïve childishness, the catastrophizing. It's what I am. I'm nothing without them.
I think I liked myself more when I was constantly triggering my intense borderline rage. I don't like the passive creature I am right now. I need to be angry, but I don't know if I can handle it.
I hate existing. Feeling things is painful, and not feeling things is painfully boring. I just want it all to go away, the pain, the boredom, the anger, etc. I guess a psychiatrist might call this "getting better", but that's all the more reason why I don't want to get better. I can't function without chaos and drama. It makes me want to start a fight with someone just so that I'll have something going on, but I'm self-aware enough to know how toxic that trait is.
I think this song gives a good summary of it. I've always had this kind of feeling, but I think I'm able to articulate what it is now because of the way Hayley Williams explains it.
I don't know which is the lesser evil, because they both leave me miserable. I guess the anger at least gives me something to do instead of just sitting around in my living room. I think all of the most unhealthy traits of my personality are the ones that I need the most. I need the uncontrollable anger, the naïve childishness, the catastrophizing. It's what I am. I'm nothing without them.
I think I liked myself more when I was constantly triggering my intense borderline rage. I don't like the passive creature I am right now. I need to be angry, but I don't know if I can handle it.
I hate existing. Feeling things is painful, and not feeling things is painfully boring. I just want it all to go away, the pain, the boredom, the anger, etc. I guess a psychiatrist might call this "getting better", but that's all the more reason why I don't want to get better. I can't function without chaos and drama. It makes me want to start a fight with someone just so that I'll have something going on, but I'm self-aware enough to know how toxic that trait is.
I think this song gives a good summary of it. I've always had this kind of feeling, but I think I'm able to articulate what it is now because of the way Hayley Williams explains it.
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