(Emotional) Inability to work

[jesse]

I'm really hesitant about talking about this, but I need to try. I've written this post hoping anyone else knows anything about it.

I work from home, with no supervision or hours reporting. So, it's on me to plan and execute all of my work. There are regular meetings to make sure things are on track, but I'm left to explain what "on track" means in those meetings. I'm given broad needs and required to create a finished product over a large portion of time. I'm still an employee, and still responsible to a boss who can chose where I focus, and wither I still have a job.

Well... for the last two years I've been feeling an increasingly stronger mental resistance to doing my work. I've tried all sorts of systems to change this. All sorts of project management strategies. It's gotten worse and worse, and now I'm at a critical point. When it comes time to put my fingers to the keyboard... I... just... can't. I immediately feel so much resistance. It's gotten so intense that I've been increasingly dodging work... which of course makes me feel like a really bad person in addition to sending my stress skyrocketing. This is a good job. I want to keep it. I won't at this rate. I am not super bright, so getting a similar job later would be very difficult if not impossible for me. I don't want to blow this. Without a good job I can't afford my rent right now much less therapy. It's too small of a company to have rights around health as far as I know. I either do the job and get a paycheck or I don't and get fired. It's as simple as that.

I've described this before, but it's apt. It's like a child in my head is throwing a tantrum. Like a kid is full on screaming "I don't want to", flailing his limbs, sobbing, making me pay attention to him. It's emotionally overwhelming. I can plan out everything I need to do in my head with no resistance. It feels like I've overcome my struggle. Yet when I sit down to do the actual work, bam. I can't.

When looking at this objectively it just seems like I'm lazy, with a bad work ethic. I've struggled with "procrastination" my whole life. Maybe this is related. Yet this isn't putting things off. This is now fully an inability to do what must be done for my own survival. I don't really know what I can do anymore. I feel powerless. I want to stay employed. I need to or I'm screwed. Yet it doesn't seem like I will. I hate this. Any advice is welcome.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I've been NEETing a lot but I worked in a warehouse for a while until I got fired for fucking up a couple of times (didn't have the energy to simultaneously hold back suicidal depression, work hard manual labor and do cognitively demanding tasks full-time with a three hour commute). My strategy was to realize that I couldn't do anything better or more pleasant with my time than what I was doing at work. Using the machines, lifting the heavy metals, etc. Using mindfulness and noticing that sitting in front of the computer wasn't compelling or better than what I was doing at the warehouse. Make sense? So that's tip #1, mindfulness and realizing that work isn't worse than free time from a sensory-based perspective.

Tip #2 is what my mother does. I asked her how she has been able to work her whole life in a relatively stressful field. She answered along the lines of "When I'm at work, I work- that's it.". Meaning that it was completely obvious to her that she was supposed to work that she never felt like there was another choice. Maybe you can adopt your own version of this, to rigidly ignore possibilities of suicide, slacking off, etc when you're supposed to work. Set up certain times when you're supposed to work, and so on.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I'm really hesitant about talking about this, but I need to try. I've written this post hoping anyone else knows anything about it.

I work from home, with no supervision or hours reporting. So, it's on me to plan and execute all of my work. There are regular meetings to make sure things are on track, but I'm left to explain what "on track" means in those meetings. I'm given broad needs and required to create a finished product over a large portion of time. I'm still an employee, and still responsible to a boss who can chose where I focus, and wither I still have a job.

Well... for the last two years I've been feeling an increasingly stronger mental resistance to doing my work. I've tried all sorts of systems to change this. All sorts of project management strategies. It's gotten worse and worse, and now I'm at a critical point. When it comes time to put my fingers to the keyboard... I... just... can't. I immediately feel so much resistance. It's gotten so intense that I've been increasingly dodging work... which of course makes me feel like a really bad person in addition to sending my stress skyrocketing. This is a good job. I want to keep it. I won't at this rate. I am not super bright, so getting a similar job later would be very difficult if not impossible for me. I don't want to blow this. Without a good job I can't afford my rent right now much less therapy. It's too small of a company to have rights around health as far as I know. I either do the job and get a paycheck or I don't and get fired. It's as simple as that.

I've described this before, but it's apt. It's like a child in my head is throwing a tantrum. Like a kid is full on screaming "I don't want to", flailing his limbs, sobbing, making me pay attention to him. It's emotionally overwhelming. I can plan out everything I need to do in my head with no resistance. It feels like I've overcome my struggle. Yet when I sit down to do the actual work, bam. I can't.

When looking at this objectively it just seems like I'm lazy, with a bad work ethic. I've struggled with "procrastination" my whole life. Maybe this is related. Yet this isn't putting things off. This is now fully an inability to do what must be done for my own survival. I don't really know what I can do anymore. I feel powerless. I want to stay employed. I need to or I'm screwed. Yet it doesn't seem like I will. I hate this. Any advice is welcome.

I kind of have something similar to this but it could just be my A.D.D. but for me if my brain cannot work or it just refuses to function I find that taking a break to do something I like or eating something helps me work, another alternative for me is to force myself to do something unpleasant when I don't work suck as cleaning or pinching myself or something of that nature. Basically just don't push yourself too much to the point of where your brain just starts slapping you. Feel free to dm me if you want a bit more stuff

 

[summers]

@jesse What about contracting out some of your work? You would take a hit financially, but could offload some of your work. Plenty of people looking for part time gig work. This could afford you some time to figure out what the issue is with your job.

 

[Chischek]

I recognize this pattern... with me it's my self destructive part of me that is trying to ruin my life. Ususally it means that I won't allow myself to get ahead or even stay in thesame situation because the need to self destruct is so strong it takes on a different form. I'm no longer working for the moment and focusing on therapy because that kind of behaviour was ruining my life. Can you discuss this with your therapist and look for the reasons why it's happening? Something might be bothering you that you are not aware of.

 

[Meditation guide]

I have that too with my website but I do like the income so I literally force myself to work. I always start to turn away from it then catch myself, go back and make myself do it. The enthusiasm I had is gone. It' comes with wanting to die. It's straddling two worlds.

It's like with any daily routine you've grown tired of but have to keep doing it. Life is like this. The person above mentioned being self destructive.

Depression will sabotage your entire life. It will take everything from you. It sounds like this might be it.

 

[LittleJem]

Try Modafinil 3 x a week. It can help with mood and motivation, it is worth trying. If you are in Europe you can order it online. It gets me out of bed when I'm bedridden.

 

[summers]

Try Modafinil 3 x a week. It can help with mood and motivation, it is worth trying. If you are in Europe you can order it online. It gets me out of bed when I'm bedridden.

Some people are more responsive to Armodafinil. Try both and see which works better for you.

 

[Grav]

I've been having the same feelings for about a year now. So far I'm chalking it up to the meds. Lately it's been better cause I'm 1/2 dosing (prescription ran out) and I've experienced more drive and self-motivation, to the point I'm back on my weight training routine and getting more done. Too many distractions are at home and my ADD doesn't help.

 

[saltshaker]

Watch this OP:

 

[LittleJem]

You could also try weed OP. Weed has helped me work in the past. Or shrooms in small doses. It's funny that people think it makes you lazy, but when my mental health is bad it helps me write better. My good friend uses it to help him code for hours. The other thing you could try is microdosing lsd - some people find that makes them more productive.

The lack of motivation I think is a brain thing - I get it when I'm depressed, I can't bring myself to care or do anything. So changing the brain can help! Good luck.