bea_bivng
Catbun
- Jul 16, 2023
- 18
Hello again friends, I am enjoying sharing my thoughts around here.
I recently came to the realization that my mother seems to like me.
it seems funny as most here don't like their family members or the relationship is distant, but incredibly my estranged family seem to be quite loving.
I spent a lot of my childhood thinking that my mom liked my younger brother more, since I suffered at her hands while I lived with her for a few years, and of course it was at that time that I ended up being abused.
recently she seems much kinder to me, whenever she shouts or swears at me I feel like crap and always cut myself for it, but she treats me much better now. she asks if I want something from the market or to buy something online, and listens to me when I talk and talk nonsense.
I always had a problem, something stopped me from asking for things, I still hate it when people buy me things or give me money because I feel like I don't deserve it.
and I was very afraid of my mother for the times she beat me, so I never asked her for anything, however she even beat my brother too she was much more loving with him and kind.
I feel that I have an emotional dependence on her, I need to be in her standards, and be a girl who does not ask for or need anything since I wanted her to be happy.
she is a person with many problems, she has been through horrible things too, but I never asked to be born, and I also never demanded anything from her, just affection and attention.
which I never got properly because I was always bad at school and she seemed to hate that.
I always thought I wasn't loved which is a lie since everyone here at home does what I want whenever they can, and doesn't charge me so much for things.
but still this feeling was greater when I looked at my mother and thought she didn't love me.
I felt that my existence was not worth it, because my mom is so nice, a serious but very intelligent person, who if it wasn't for me would have had a much better life.
I think all the times I wanted CBT it was because of her, once we had a bad fight because of cutting her hair and she called me useless, I cried so much and for the next 7/8 months we didn't speak to each other once, that was in 2020 but it still scares me.
so I always try not to cross the line (I'm stepping on eggs) because I want her to love me.
i enjoy spending time with my mom and although she always cuts me off for anything we fight about, i don't want to hurt her if i end up doing the cbt.
I feel like I'll be leaving her alone with my little brother, and that's what scares me, she's also physically disabled which limits her a lot, and I help her with some things.
i think we are much better off now, i wish i wasn't so complicated but for now it's ok.
I recently came to the realization that my mother seems to like me.
it seems funny as most here don't like their family members or the relationship is distant, but incredibly my estranged family seem to be quite loving.
I spent a lot of my childhood thinking that my mom liked my younger brother more, since I suffered at her hands while I lived with her for a few years, and of course it was at that time that I ended up being abused.
recently she seems much kinder to me, whenever she shouts or swears at me I feel like crap and always cut myself for it, but she treats me much better now. she asks if I want something from the market or to buy something online, and listens to me when I talk and talk nonsense.
I always had a problem, something stopped me from asking for things, I still hate it when people buy me things or give me money because I feel like I don't deserve it.
and I was very afraid of my mother for the times she beat me, so I never asked her for anything, however she even beat my brother too she was much more loving with him and kind.
I feel that I have an emotional dependence on her, I need to be in her standards, and be a girl who does not ask for or need anything since I wanted her to be happy.
she is a person with many problems, she has been through horrible things too, but I never asked to be born, and I also never demanded anything from her, just affection and attention.
which I never got properly because I was always bad at school and she seemed to hate that.
I always thought I wasn't loved which is a lie since everyone here at home does what I want whenever they can, and doesn't charge me so much for things.
but still this feeling was greater when I looked at my mother and thought she didn't love me.
I felt that my existence was not worth it, because my mom is so nice, a serious but very intelligent person, who if it wasn't for me would have had a much better life.
I think all the times I wanted CBT it was because of her, once we had a bad fight because of cutting her hair and she called me useless, I cried so much and for the next 7/8 months we didn't speak to each other once, that was in 2020 but it still scares me.
so I always try not to cross the line (I'm stepping on eggs) because I want her to love me.
i enjoy spending time with my mom and although she always cuts me off for anything we fight about, i don't want to hurt her if i end up doing the cbt.
I feel like I'll be leaving her alone with my little brother, and that's what scares me, she's also physically disabled which limits her a lot, and I help her with some things.
i think we are much better off now, i wish i wasn't so complicated but for now it's ok.
