Emotional control

[Temporarilyabsurd]

No alerts today ... so fishing for dopamine hits .

( internetness message board addiction ... sigh . )

Not the worst thing in the world .

One coffee in ... mood cranking towards moderately WIRED ....

At 55yo , I am only starting to get a view /grip / take seriously , the idea of emotional control.

I think I have been so split apart inside and so internally fragmented that the emotional state of 'panic' and
'anxiety' and resultant all pervasive depression and hopelessness ... from exhaustion at being thrown all over
the place inside by paranoid worrying and general limitless doubting unsureness .

Yesterday saw a Quack about a long term relatively minor health problem , and focused on staying calm
because they had been a bit dismissive and humiliating at the prior consultation.

To actually focus on being calm and aware of my inner emotional 'climate' was a big deal.

I may have experienced this in the past but drifted away from it in my 'on and off' experience of inner life . aware today , not so much tomorrow , fluctuations .



The thing I am taking away is an idiosyncratic one ... for me , the inner emotional world I think , was connected to a 'holy world' ( from crazy fundi upbringing ) , my 'soul' belonging to 'god' and not to me ?

I know this is getting weirdly specific , but its a hinge to my own lack of meaningful engagement with my inner feelings . The crucial concept that they almost are not mine ... and therefore I cannot control them , because I don't actually own them .

CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY right ? Welcome to my inner truth .

So it is a big wake up call to see / feel myself as an experience of being that I could intervene with .

It's as if it was ok to drink booze and smoke weed , to alter my mood , but to actually THINK and alter my 'agency' .......( active participation in my world , in and out ) was somehow a 'blasphemy' and a disallowed process .

This is a big deal for me .

Anyone else encounter traction with their emotions as a wake up realization ?

I'm assuming a lot of us here are tossed around by inner hurricanes of emotional responses that we cannot control .


Anyway ... Coffee number two and a bit more SS loitering and then 'something productive ' under 'enlightened ' mood management .... ( ambitious .... )


ps.

An old acquaintance talked with me decades ago about HALT : Hungry , Angry . Lonely . Tired .

It was a checklist of mood influencing phenomena / inputs that I understood with my mind , but my habitual daily conscious process was a million miles away from entertaining . Because , I theorize , I was so swamped with the emotional turmoil at the time , I couldn't focus on it , or my emotions were discounting any new input .

Destroying the All Powerful Domination of the emotions ...

They are so powerful , Feeling the Truth .... Sensing what is right ,... they have ruled my life .

 

[Desperate_Soul]

So is coffee a good or bad thing for you?

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@satou and @Desperate-Soul, Queen Etna ,PointlessA
byss thanks for the likes ..... it's worse than SUGAR !

So is coffee a good or bad thing for you?

I would have to say , resoundingly BAD .

I'm about to make my second cup.

To be fair to myself ... I stopped sugar in my coffee a few months back ... and that is the impactor .

I am now a member of the 'Satan is Sweet' brigade .

Ahistory of my drugs :

Sugar from 5or6 yo
Caffeine from 12 is
Nicotine 18
Alcohol 18

Maijuana 21


Down to coffee and nictine now .

My family of choice I am going to have to leave behind I guess .

Then again , its , all relative ... , I do love this pseudo clarity 'expansive' coffee buzz ... as you can see , I diatribe garble type frenziedly at the one cup mark .

 

[satou]

I always make large double cups of coffee with lots of milk so I can drink my coffee immediately. I have no patience whatsoever to wait for it to cool down. This also allows me to make another cup right away if I want to.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

@satou and @Desperate-Soul, Queen Etna ,PointlessA
byss thanks for the likes ..... it's worse than SUGAR !






I would have to say , resoundingly BAD .

I'm about to make my second cup.

To be fair to myself ... I stopped sugar in my coffee a few months back ... and that is the impactor .

I am now a member of the 'Satan is Sweet' brigade .

Ahistory of my drugs :

Sugar from 5or6 yo
Caffeine from 12 is
Nicotine 18
Alcohol 18

Maijuana 21


Down to coffee and nictine now .

My family of choice I am going to have to leave behind I guess .

Then again , its , all relative ... , I do love this pseudo clarity 'expansive' coffee buzz ... as you can see , I diatribe garble type frenziedly at the one cup mark .

How much coffee do you think you drink per day? I drink only one cup and I pee every half hour!

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I always make large double cups of coffee with lots of milk so I can drink my coffee immediately. I have no patience whatsoever to wait for it to cool down. This also allows me to make another cup right away if I want to.

Yerrr triggrin me man .............
Not that I need it .

I self flagellate with the cheapest instant coffee available with no milk .

I have a large mug
! is a lift off
2 is a stuck in orbit
3 is 'day written off ' , " Well , I could of been in control , but ..... " . Then if I come down again ( food / activity ) maybe something ok
but yeah ............. it's a chemical hit.


I count myself lucky that it is what it is .

Hand wringing about coffee ? Talk about privileged .

Next , I'll be discussing the qualities of Yoga mats .

Bean sprouts anyone ?

 

[Pointlessabyss]

Yerrr triggrin me man .............
Not that I need it .

I self flagellate with the cheapest instant coffee available with no milk .

I have a large mug
! is a lift off
2 is a stuck in orbit
3 is 'day written off ' , " Well , I could of been in control , but ..... " . Then if I come down again ( food / activity ) maybe something ok
but yeah ............. it's a chemical hit.


I count myself lucky that it is what it is .

Hand wringing about coffee ? Talk about privileged .

Next , I'll be discussing the qualities of Yoga mats .

Bean sprouts anyone ?

Kinda jealous you get such a buzz off coffee! One positive you've got !

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

How much coffee do you think you drink per day? I drink only one cup and I pee every half hour!

Yikes.

I used to drink it from 'the eternal cup' ........... self employed workshop based solitary work.

Roll up ciggies and coffee ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL day .


Then of course the Booze anchor was deployed to rein in the mind frenzy .


So , now , not boozing , ( so no brakes available to stop the crazy train on caffeine ) I am sensitive .

1 to 3 cups . Any more and I'm committed to going crazy ( not necessarily in a bad way ... perhaps if I'n in amongst a 'meaningful' experience I will over do it . )

Having coffee and it's results is a new awareness for me , because the sugar mood fuel rollercoaster has been stopped / dampened .

We're all different with our sensitivities and tolerences .
I think thats what makes substances so insidious / tricky / subtle , difficult to manage ... because your pals are 'all good' doing epic quantities of ' X " substance and it might have blown you apar t !

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Kinda jealous you get such a buzz off coffee! One positive you've got !

Yeah , like I say .... I feel a bit shmucky about it .

But it is what it is .

Like I say .... I've done the booze and maryjane train .

( thats a solid thirty years written off of potential consciousnesss , if I'm going to be real with myself - and inherently negative , ( my true self ... :) )

So , I'm actually talking about the whole substance to mood / emotional control thing I guess ?

It's just for me , the remaining actors on the stage seem quite benign .


I do feel for the addicted crowd , I belong with them , they are my people . I'm just the virtue signaling little bitch that has been helped enough to be able to get down to these store bought ubiquitous things.

I do feel lucky that it is Coffee and Nicotine on the table.

( My organic linen mat is chaffing my knees ,,,,,,,,,, ouch )
( I'll have to meditate about that .... )
( :/ )

 

[RM5998]

Well, I used to put 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of milk every morning a year or two ago. Now I just pour 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of water, pour the mixture into a kettle, repeat 10 times, boil and drink. Still not bitter enough to wash the taste of life out of my mouth, but the water is saturated at that point.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Well, I used to put 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of milk every morning a year or two ago. Now I just pour 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of water, pour the mixture into a kettle, repeat 10 times, boil and drink. Still not bitter enough to wash the taste of life out of my mouth, but the water is saturated at that point.

This is way too real for me man .

How are your kidneys / liver . body in general handling it ?

For reals , or poetic license ?

( Not dissing you , just flabbergasted )

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Well, I used to put 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of milk every morning a year or two ago. Now I just pour 13-17 spoons of coffee into a small glass of water, pour the mixture into a kettle, repeat 10 times, boil and drink. Still not bitter enough to wash the taste of life out of my mouth, but the water is saturated at that point.

But did it wash away the whiteness off your teeth? :o
How much is 13-17 spoons? Repeat what 10 times?

 

[RM5998]

This is way too real for me man .

How are your kidneys / liver . body in general handling it ?

For reals , or poetic license ?

( Not dissing you , just flabbergasted )

For real. People used to talk about not being able to drink the coffee I used to drink. And I'm alive, so it seems my body's handling it just fine.

But did it wash away the whiteness off your teeth? :o
How much is 13-17 spoons? Repeat what 10 times?

13-17 tablespoons of coffee per 150-200 ml of milk/water. When I'm making my own coffee, I use 10 times that to both fill up the kettle and get hydrated.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

@RM5998 : baddest arsed bus stop barista .
aka : the poison percolator ....