TANETS
Droplets of rain rest on the faces like tears
- Nov 11, 2024
- 50
Trigger warning for child sexual abuse
Just sharing my story here.
9th grade was truly the worst year of my life, by whatever miracle it was cut short by quarantine and I never returned to formal high school. I'm sure if quarantine never happened, I wouldn't be alive at the moment. (Which feels so sucky to say because the pandemic ruined so many lives).
The previous year was already terrible, and nobody showed an ounce of sympathy to me. Privately I was dealing with finally bringing charges against a family member for continuously abusing me sexually. My entire family turned against me and pressured me to have the charges dropped. As a result of a mixture of the abuse I was experiencing and my previous negative encounters with kids my age, my ability to socialize is extremely stunted.
9th grade I tried so hard to make friends, there was this particular person I was interested in befriending but I was soooo awkward and I ended up humiliating myself infront of my entire class. It was the first time I felt my skin heat up from embarrassment. I was getting picked on constantly by a group a girls in that same class, they would record me and upload it to social media to make fun of me. If it wasn't one thing it was the other, the way I walked, my ugly face, I fully stopped caring about my appearance so I came to school everyday looking pretty awful.
And then on the bus ride home, I'd constantly get picked on by these 2 boys, and the last time I'd ever see them they humiliated me infront of a group of students my pulling my head covering off . I wish I ended it then in there. But quarantine came along and I didn't have to see anybody anymore.
As a result of that I began engaging in attention seeking behavior to feel better about myself, something I regret wholeheartedly. It's been years since I've moved in from this part of my life but it still torments me to this day. Combine that with my intrusive thoughts, my brain is constantly reminding me of my fuck ups and as I result I developed these extremely embarrassing vocal tics. Even in front of my mom I'll scream out "I'm gonna jump off a bridge" "I really want to stab my myself" and all other kinds of vocal tics that I can't control, then I have to deal with her asking me if I'm okay which I don't want to talk about to her about.
From what I understand, most people who bully do it as a trauma response. Being the fact that I grew up in a pretty low income area, I don't hold it against the people who hurt me a lot anymore because I know they all had their own issues. I would always fantasize about getting revenge but I truly found it in my heart to forgive . But still, I'm traumatized, and it sucks so bad,.
Just sharing my story here.
9th grade was truly the worst year of my life, by whatever miracle it was cut short by quarantine and I never returned to formal high school. I'm sure if quarantine never happened, I wouldn't be alive at the moment. (Which feels so sucky to say because the pandemic ruined so many lives).
The previous year was already terrible, and nobody showed an ounce of sympathy to me. Privately I was dealing with finally bringing charges against a family member for continuously abusing me sexually. My entire family turned against me and pressured me to have the charges dropped. As a result of a mixture of the abuse I was experiencing and my previous negative encounters with kids my age, my ability to socialize is extremely stunted.
9th grade I tried so hard to make friends, there was this particular person I was interested in befriending but I was soooo awkward and I ended up humiliating myself infront of my entire class. It was the first time I felt my skin heat up from embarrassment. I was getting picked on constantly by a group a girls in that same class, they would record me and upload it to social media to make fun of me. If it wasn't one thing it was the other, the way I walked, my ugly face, I fully stopped caring about my appearance so I came to school everyday looking pretty awful.
And then on the bus ride home, I'd constantly get picked on by these 2 boys, and the last time I'd ever see them they humiliated me infront of a group of students my pulling my head covering off . I wish I ended it then in there. But quarantine came along and I didn't have to see anybody anymore.
As a result of that I began engaging in attention seeking behavior to feel better about myself, something I regret wholeheartedly. It's been years since I've moved in from this part of my life but it still torments me to this day. Combine that with my intrusive thoughts, my brain is constantly reminding me of my fuck ups and as I result I developed these extremely embarrassing vocal tics. Even in front of my mom I'll scream out "I'm gonna jump off a bridge" "I really want to stab my myself" and all other kinds of vocal tics that I can't control, then I have to deal with her asking me if I'm okay which I don't want to talk about to her about.
From what I understand, most people who bully do it as a trauma response. Being the fact that I grew up in a pretty low income area, I don't hold it against the people who hurt me a lot anymore because I know they all had their own issues. I would always fantasize about getting revenge but I truly found it in my heart to forgive . But still, I'm traumatized, and it sucks so bad,.
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