Venting Embarassment from suicide

[xBones]

Hello all, let me start off by saying yes I understand that after I'm dead, who gives a shit what happens after. But, maybe the thin line that keeps me holding on is that I'm embarrassed. I don't want to be remembered this way, because I used to tell so many others to keep holding on. I also don't want to embarrass my parents, especially my father. When he found out I was suicidal 3 years ago, he told me I was crazy & I shouldn't feel like that.
That being said, I also want to jump. I bet that would also crush the fuck out of my family- and I don't want to let them down, that's why I'm so frustrated. I don't want them to know how badly I've really been suffering, they'd only tell me I wasn't being strong enough anyway.
Ugh. I've said this before, I wish I could die of natural causes/anything other than suicide. Oh well. I want to end it soon, so I better get over it.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

I feel the exact same way. I often wonder how people will view my family after I CTB. If someone asks my family if they have any kids/niece/siblings, how will they reply to that? "My daughter/niece/sister died from suicide", or will they not mention me at all and choke up. Shit. I'd be the girl who will be remembered as the one who committed suicide. My family looks at suicide as a joke and that it's stupid to be feeling suicidal. The way I get past these thoughts though is thinking that this is one final embarrassment rather than if I kept living and stacking on embarrassment after embarrassment after embarrassment.

 

[Ben]

Not everyone thinks it doesn't matter what happens after you die. Don't feel like caring about that is wrong. It certainly matters to me. I want to minimize the impact of my death to the people in my life as much as possible.

The want of death and the want of suicide are not nessearly the same thing. I would definitely prefer to die of natural causes over suicide. Unfortunately, we can't control natural causes, so we are forced to suicide.

I hope you find peace friend