Venting ED's & Loneliness is Hell

[NightshadeDreamer]

I don't usually post but I'm really struggling. I've had anorexia on and off for years. Recently it's escalated. I'm living on fat burners, coffee, vaping and snacks. I'm lonely but I don't feel good enough for anyone. I feel ugly, unhealthy and Dr's say my nervous system is in constant overdrive. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm hoping to order SN next week and pray it gets through customs.

 

[DarkFriend.]

I'd like to share a story with you about a time when, several years ago, I was going through one of my depressive episodes—in this particular case I'd downed an entire bottle of vodka the night before and held a loaded gun to my head but decided not to go through with it.

The next day I was headed back to the liquor store and my roommate at the time, one of my best friends, told me in his words: "You know, if you're going to kill yourself, then anything is better really. Even rape, or killing someone."

I remember this struck me as ridiculous—but of course I understood it. Some people look at death as the worst possible thing that can happen, barring nothing. Some people are selfish. In fact many suicidal people are, and have been, since they've taken the lives of others before they take their own.

Personally I think it's a despicable thing. To hurt others simply because you want to leave... I mean, if you want to leave, then fine, so be it—do whatever you can to leave, but don't infringe upon the lives of others in order to do so.

But sickeningly I get it. It's a nihilistic, perilous stroke of randomness. If nothing matters then why the fuck not, right?

Maybe it's all a sick joke... and of course fast forward and all these years later I'm still here. Still drinking. Still lonely. Still, like you, oftentimes not feeling good enough.

But the real question is what are we not feeling good enough for? We're obviously feeling good enough about destroying ourselves. I don't understand ED's much and I hope you can forgive me for that, but I reckon that hyping yourself up on the stims and snacks keeps you going for just a little bit longer without much thought for the long-term. And frankly I can't blame you.

How can people like us truly care about the long term?..

There are a lot of times that I don't want to be here anymore either, but you know, every now and then, just here and there—there are times where I'm glad I'm still here. Even if it's only to hold up a drink for my friends dead and gone. Someone's gotta keep this train moving I suppose.

I'm not saying that you should or you shouldn't—but just think about it for a bit. It sounds like you might be able to get a grip on it. Whether that's worth it—well only you have that answer.

And if you need people to talk to in the meantime—well we're here, in SaSu. Always.

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

I'd like to share a story with you about a time when, several years ago, I was going through one of my depressive episodes—in this particular case I'd downed an entire bottle of vodka the night before and held a loaded gun to my head but decided not to go through with it.

The next day I was headed back to the liquor store and my roommate at the time, one of my best friends, told me in his words: "You know, if you're going to kill yourself, then anything is better really. Even rape, or killing someone."

I remember this struck me as ridiculous—but of course I understood it. Some people look at death as the worst possible thing that can happen, barring nothing. Some people are selfish. In fact many suicidal people are, and have been, since they've taken the lives of others before they take their own.

Personally I think it's a despicable thing. To hurt others simply because you want to leave... I mean, if you want to leave, then fine, so be it—do whatever you can to leave, but don't infringe upon the lives of others in order to do so.

But sickeningly I get it. It's a nihilistic, perilous stroke of randomness. If nothing matters then why the fuck not, right?

Maybe it's all a sick joke... and of course fast forward and all these years later I'm still here. Still drinking. Still lonely. Still, like you, oftentimes not feeling good enough.

But the real question is what are we not feeling good enough for? We're obviously feeling good enough about destroying ourselves. I don't understand ED's much and I hope you can forgive me for that, but I reckon that hyping yourself up on the stims and snacks keeps you going for just a little bit longer without much thought for the long-term. And frankly I can't blame you.

How can people like us truly care about the long term?..

There are a lot of times that I don't want to be here anymore either, but you know, every now and then, just here and there—there are times where I'm glad I'm still here. Even if it's only to hold up a drink for my friends dead and gone. Someone's gotta keep this train moving I suppose.

I'm not saying that you should or you shouldn't—but just think about it for a bit. It sounds like you might be able to get a grip on it. Whether that's worth it—well only you have that answer.

And if you need people to talk to in the meantime—well we're here, in SaSu. Always.

I will understand those who take others out before they take themselves out. It's just horrific. ED's just like depression sneak up on you and consume your life. I have moments where I'm grateful, but they seldom outweigh the wanting to leave. I appreciate your comment

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, I understand that loneliness is painful for so many who exist here, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[NightshadeDreamer]

It must be really dreadful having to suffer like that, I understand that loneliness is painful for so many who exist here, but anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Thank you! I see you are in here often, and I hope you are doing okay