Rexie </3
Waiting for a sign
- Mar 3, 2023
- 10
Idk whether to necessarily call it a relapse as I was starving myself a couple years back as a form of self harm till my parents caught on and forced me to eat (they didn't really ask me why i was doing it they just wanted me to eat more).
I've had body dysmorphia for most of my life up to this point. I was quite obese for a while when i was a kid and even though I've lost quite a bit of weight (through "healthier" ways), i sometimes feel like i don't even know what my body really looks like, all i know is that i despise it.
I am really unsure what triggered it this time, but sometime about a week back i snapped. I'm eating under 800 calories a day and to make sure no one finds out, I eat a high calorie food (like a donut or a slice of cake or something) and purge it out immediately after to make it seem like I'm eating normally.
A part of me wants to stop before it gets worse, but at the same time this cycle of restricting and purging (and a concerning amount of cardio) makes me feel so good (in a masochistic sense honestly) and there is a voice inside my head that is encouraging me to keep this up. I kinda feel like i deserve the damage I'm doing to myself.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I obviously cannot tell my family as they really do not know how to handle anything mental health related (I'm being forced to take homeopathic medicines instead of actually being taken to a professional for my anxiety. I also have an autistic sibling and i overhear my parents talking about how they consider them a burden, so yeah) and i do not want to bother my friends with this (even if i did, they're prolly not going to be that much help honestly).
I've had body dysmorphia for most of my life up to this point. I was quite obese for a while when i was a kid and even though I've lost quite a bit of weight (through "healthier" ways), i sometimes feel like i don't even know what my body really looks like, all i know is that i despise it.
I am really unsure what triggered it this time, but sometime about a week back i snapped. I'm eating under 800 calories a day and to make sure no one finds out, I eat a high calorie food (like a donut or a slice of cake or something) and purge it out immediately after to make it seem like I'm eating normally.
A part of me wants to stop before it gets worse, but at the same time this cycle of restricting and purging (and a concerning amount of cardio) makes me feel so good (in a masochistic sense honestly) and there is a voice inside my head that is encouraging me to keep this up. I kinda feel like i deserve the damage I'm doing to myself.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I obviously cannot tell my family as they really do not know how to handle anything mental health related (I'm being forced to take homeopathic medicines instead of actually being taken to a professional for my anxiety. I also have an autistic sibling and i overhear my parents talking about how they consider them a burden, so yeah) and i do not want to bother my friends with this (even if i did, they're prolly not going to be that much help honestly).
