its-about-time
nope
- Mar 19, 2022
- 807
Hey everyone. I'm curious if there's any logical reason to not eat SN crystals. I'm not really concerned about taste, more about whether there's any concern that it wouldn't be absorbed into my gut as it needs to be or anything. For whatever reason I'm excited by the idea of just dipping my finger in the SN, sucking on it, then re-dipping over and over again more than I am the idea of drinking it as saltwater. I just did this with regular sea salt and got very excited by how easy it was to ignore the (allegedly comparable?) taste. Or should I just stop making things more complicated and go with the water dilution that's recommended?
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The rest of this post is just sharing personal stuff with where I'm at. I've spent the last few months mentally preparing myself for suicide, and honestly it's going so well. I'm no longer wanting to take benzo's before the SN because I'm feeling so comfortable with experiencing all the parts of taking my life. Im looking forwards to the adrenaline, the excitement, and even the anxiety and nausea and other physical symptoms. I'm grateful to be on this journey of preparation where I've gotten to work through so much and feel closure in my life. A few months ago if I would've done it, I would've been terrified, uncertain, and mortified by the idea of being dead—even though it's what I wanted. I've been desensitizing myself to it religiously and I just feel good about everything. Life has been enjoyable again, because the things that previously made me suicidal don't even matter anymore - my focus is just on enjoying my last months. What a gift.
Thanks to this website. It has changed my life in many ways for the better by giving me an initial place to talk openly about suicide before I chose to get offline and continue the journey solo. It has also helped in desensitization to emotions and death. I've been assuming I'll die this fall or winter but over this last week I'm very drawn to the near future. My animals are going to stay with other people while I go camping solo in a beautiful area next week, and I'm realizing how perfect it is for the end. Im not committed fully to this idea yet, nor will I, because I'd like to feel ready and natural for it, not pressure myself in any way with a set date. But I'm feeling calm and good about this idea. I will be bringing all necessary components for suicide on the trip with me, and I just made arrangements to see the people I'd like to see one last time before I leave for this trip, just in case.
My preparation has moved from logistical things to mental things. I'm reading books about how to accept dying (written for the terminally ill) and currently am really benefitting from a book about suicide that just explores why we feel this way. I didn't realize I think just how close I am, and how closely I've followed the stages that many others followed before taking their lives (apparently it's a common pattern! I'm learning a lot). It's an exhilarating realization, and I feel proud of myself. I've wanted to die for so long and I'm finally on the right track to doing it in a way that feels natural and mindful and wonderful, instead of the depressive panicked suicidal impulses I've endured my whole life. I ordered a rather cheekily named planner called "I'm Dead, Now What?" that basically guides you through answering all the important things loved ones will need to know once I'm dead— financial info, logistical things, wishes for my pets and such, passwords, location of important documents, etc. It's arriving next week. If I don't die on my camping trip I am looking forwards to completing it. If I die before then, well, I'm not terribly concerned about it. I've got much of that information already written on a single page, I just like the idea of a planner :)
Anyways there's all my rambles. Im feeling really good right now. I wanted to share with someone, because as beautiful as this process has been, it's sometimes kind of lonely too… that loneliness is beautiful in its own way, but I'm balancing it out with this post. Take care everyone
—
The rest of this post is just sharing personal stuff with where I'm at. I've spent the last few months mentally preparing myself for suicide, and honestly it's going so well. I'm no longer wanting to take benzo's before the SN because I'm feeling so comfortable with experiencing all the parts of taking my life. Im looking forwards to the adrenaline, the excitement, and even the anxiety and nausea and other physical symptoms. I'm grateful to be on this journey of preparation where I've gotten to work through so much and feel closure in my life. A few months ago if I would've done it, I would've been terrified, uncertain, and mortified by the idea of being dead—even though it's what I wanted. I've been desensitizing myself to it religiously and I just feel good about everything. Life has been enjoyable again, because the things that previously made me suicidal don't even matter anymore - my focus is just on enjoying my last months. What a gift.
Thanks to this website. It has changed my life in many ways for the better by giving me an initial place to talk openly about suicide before I chose to get offline and continue the journey solo. It has also helped in desensitization to emotions and death. I've been assuming I'll die this fall or winter but over this last week I'm very drawn to the near future. My animals are going to stay with other people while I go camping solo in a beautiful area next week, and I'm realizing how perfect it is for the end. Im not committed fully to this idea yet, nor will I, because I'd like to feel ready and natural for it, not pressure myself in any way with a set date. But I'm feeling calm and good about this idea. I will be bringing all necessary components for suicide on the trip with me, and I just made arrangements to see the people I'd like to see one last time before I leave for this trip, just in case.
My preparation has moved from logistical things to mental things. I'm reading books about how to accept dying (written for the terminally ill) and currently am really benefitting from a book about suicide that just explores why we feel this way. I didn't realize I think just how close I am, and how closely I've followed the stages that many others followed before taking their lives (apparently it's a common pattern! I'm learning a lot). It's an exhilarating realization, and I feel proud of myself. I've wanted to die for so long and I'm finally on the right track to doing it in a way that feels natural and mindful and wonderful, instead of the depressive panicked suicidal impulses I've endured my whole life. I ordered a rather cheekily named planner called "I'm Dead, Now What?" that basically guides you through answering all the important things loved ones will need to know once I'm dead— financial info, logistical things, wishes for my pets and such, passwords, location of important documents, etc. It's arriving next week. If I don't die on my camping trip I am looking forwards to completing it. If I die before then, well, I'm not terribly concerned about it. I've got much of that information already written on a single page, I just like the idea of a planner :)
Anyways there's all my rambles. Im feeling really good right now. I wanted to share with someone, because as beautiful as this process has been, it's sometimes kind of lonely too… that loneliness is beautiful in its own way, but I'm balancing it out with this post. Take care everyone
