Discussion Eating Disorders

[gingerplum]

Anyone here have an eating disorder? Disordered eating? I'm wondering if it is affected by your mood, and/or if it has any impact on suicidal ideation.

I have purged for almost my entire adult life. I don't binge per se; for me a "binge" would be something more than what I usually eat... last time it was a burger and a cookie. In my mind, that's too much food for one meal.

I feel a bit panicky if my stomach feels really full. In fact, usually before I eat a full meal, I will have made sure that a bathroom with some privacy is available. If not, then I eat less, and I eat slowly and deliberately. I love food, and I love to eat, but I feel contempt for myself if I think I eat too much. It also gives me a sense of relief and release, in much the same way I imagine that self cutters or hair pullers get.

At the same time, I've never felt like it was a compulsion that I couldn't control. It's never escalated to a point where I felt like it was disruptive to my life in any way, and I've never had any side effects from it. I never felt like I was endangering my health, because I understand the risks of a fluid electrolyte imbalance and I would never allow that to happen.

Am I justifying and rationalizing? Sure. Again, it's never been what I'd consider excessive, and I'm really ok the way I am. Purging is cathartic, and not just physically; it gives me a sense of power and control, not to mention controlling my weight. I can literally have my cake and eat it, too. I really don't want to give it up.

My fixation with my weight is definitely something I'd like to be less obsessed with. I'm 5'3" and 129 lbs; right now I'm really ashamed and embarrassed that I've absentmindedly eaten my way to 10-15 lbs over my ideal weight. I avoid mirrors because all I see is a double chin and arms that look like sausages. Anxiety also feeds into it for sure.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I often reach out to others, but I don't reveal much about myself. I wanted to describe this so I can get more comfortable with sharing. It's really unnerving for me to describe in detail what others might see as a weakness or a failure. Maybe my input won't be valued as much because I'm so obviously flawed. So this is my way of confronting my fears, trying baby steps to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, I guess.

Whew, that's a lot for me to reveal.

Anyone else? Thoughts?

 

[alexithymia]

Ginger, your input is valued so highly because you are one of the most compassionate, intelligent voices on here. A rare combination, if I do say so myself. Your struggles could not and do not take away from that. Your presence makes this place much warmer.

I'm very glad that you chose to open up about this.

 

[woxihuanni]

Thank you for trusting us with your vulnerability! It makes you only more reliable, not less!

I understand it's pretty common to refrain from eating/purge to have a sense of control, which is not surprising. I don't think it matters if it would be called a disorder, in the end we decide how much 'unhealthy behaviour' is an affordable coping mechanism that saves us from something worse. For instance, I pick at my scalp, but have no intention whatsoever of stopping it though shrinks would call it something something. Because it is pretty affordable, doesn't do me any real harm, does not hurt my appearance, is not out of control and gives me relief. Much better than setting the house on fire, so to say.

For what it is worth, I find it more beautiful to have a little more weight than average rather than less.

Also I believe eating disorders? unusual behaviours? have a lot to do with cuisine/culture/geography. If there is a lot of sugar, flour, etc. around, it is easy for meals to become a matter of struggle.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I learned to restrict my eating from my best friend's mother at the age of 6. We would get to share a happy meal, half the burger (no bun or fries of course) if we'd both gotten green apples on our behavior charts all week. This quickly became a competition for my friend and I, at the very least to be the better behaved. Her mother would tell us that good girls never over indulge, stay slim with shiny hair, and respect their elders.

At 11 I learned to purge from the girls in my dance class. They were older and I think resented me for being in their class because I was considered advanced. So they picked on the easiest thing to pick on, me being a little chubby. I began restricting and purging anything I did eat that year and was getting praised from every one on how good i looked, how well I danced, etc.

Now I'm 32 and I still don't eat "healthily" I'll restrict for days then binge and purge. Then juice fast and purge, then just binge. My method of madness I suppose depends upon my mood at the time if I wanted to chart it, but lately it's just whatever I feel like doing to my body.

 

[gingerplum]

I learned to restrict my eating from my best friend's mother at the age of 6. We would get to share a happy meal, half the burger (no bun or fries of course) if we'd both gotten green apples on our behavior charts all week. This quickly became a competition for my friend and I, at the very least to be the better behaved. Her mother would tell us that good girls never over indulge, stay slim with shiny hair, and respect their elders.

At 11 I learned to purge from the girls in my dance class. They were older and I think resented me for being in their class because I was considered advanced. So they picked on the easiest thing to pick on, me being a little chubby. I began restricting and purging anything I did eat that year and was getting praised from every one on how good i looked, how well I danced, etc.

Now I'm 32 and I still don't eat "healthily" I'll restrict for days then binge and purge. Then juice fast and purge, then just binge. My method of madness I suppose depends upon my mood at the time if I wanted to chart it, but lately it's just whatever I feel like doing to my body.

Yep. For me it's definitely about control, and maybe partially about punishing myself. I hate that this started for you as a kid; at least mine was self-imposed as an adult.

Do you enjoy it? Resent it? Could you stop if you wanted to? I'm sure there's a huge spectrum, and I'm trying to get a feel for where I am on it.

 

[Morphinekiss]

Yep. For me it's definitely about control, and maybe partially about punishing myself. I hate that this started for you as a kid; at least mine was self-imposed as an adult.

Do you enjoy it? Resent it? Could you stop if you wanted to? I'm sure there's a huge spectrum, and I'm trying to get a feel for where I am on it.

I get a sick satisfaction from it. I remember one time I had gone two days with just water an apple and was on the elliptical at the gym. My goal was to burn a certain number of calories and I eventually passed out. I just remember being so proud of my self while I signed the liability waiver and the ama papers for Ems. Then I drove through 3 fast food places on the way home and gorges and it was so satisfying.

I've tried to stop. The guilt is always there. Anything I put in my mouth I always go "you know you really don't need this fat ass" I'm currently "inactive" I guess you could say and I'm sitting here beating myself up for eating a second helping of carrots at dinner. But I'm anemic at the moment so I won't go purge.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

Anyone here have an eating disorder? Disordered eating? I'm wondering if it is affected by your mood, and/or if it has any impact on suicidal ideation.

I have purged for almost my entire adult life. I don't binge per se; for me a "binge" would be something more than what I usually eat... last time it was a burger and a cookie. In my mind, that's too much food for one meal.

I feel a bit panicky if my stomach feels really full. In fact, usually before I eat a full meal, I will have made sure that a bathroom with some privacy is available. If not, then I eat less, and I eat slowly and deliberately. I love food, and I love to eat, but I feel contempt for myself if I think I eat too much. It also gives me a sense of relief and release, in much the same way I imagine that self cutters or hair pullers get.

At the same time, I've never felt like it was a compulsion that I couldn't control. It's never escalated to a point where I felt like it was disruptive to my life in any way, and I've never had any side effects from it. I never felt like I was endangering my health, because I understand the risks of a fluid electrolyte imbalance and I would never allow that to happen.

Am I justifying and rationalizing? Sure. Again, it's never been what I'd consider excessive, and I'm really ok the way I am. Purging is cathartic, and not just physically; it gives me a sense of power and control, not to mention controlling my weight. I can literally have my cake and eat it, too. I really don't want to give it up.

My fixation with my weight is definitely something I'd like to be less obsessed with. I'm 5'3" and 129 lbs; right now I'm really ashamed and embarrassed that I've absentmindedly eaten my way to 10-15 lbs over my ideal weight. I avoid mirrors because all I see is a double chin and arms that look like sausages. Anxiety also feeds into it for sure.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I often reach out to others, but I don't reveal much about myself. I wanted to describe this so I can get more comfortable with sharing. It's really unnerving for me to describe in detail what others might see as a weakness or a failure. Maybe my input won't be valued as much because I'm so obviously flawed. So this is my way of confronting my fears, trying baby steps to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, I guess.

Whew, that's a lot for me to reveal.

Anyone else? Thoughts?

Hugs my dear. I know the struggle all too well.

I won't give my measurements because it's just going to feed the disorder and it's not important. But I know what you're feeling.

The guilt. The shame. The insecurity.

You're not alone.

The most messed up part of this is that it's never enough. There's something still wrong.

And if I could get paid in how many time I've heard that statement... I'd be rich.

Freedom comes from truly seeing the root of the issue.

But what if the root is too heavy to bear?

That's what I struggle with, each and everyday.

I wish you peace and love, but mostly, I wish you the knowledge that you're not alone. Reach out to me if you ever need. Hugs.

 

[gingerplum]

I get a sick satisfaction from it. I remember one time I had gone two days with just water an apple and was on the elliptical at the gym. My goal was to burn a certain number of calories and I eventually passed out. I just remember being so proud of my self while I signed the liability waiver and the ama papers for Ems. Then I drove through 3 fast food places on the way home and gorges and it was so satisfying.

I've tried to stop. The guilt is always there. Anything I put in my mouth I always go "you know you really don't need this fat ass" I'm currently "inactive" I guess you could say and I'm sitting here beating myself up for eating a second helping of carrots at dinner. But I'm anemic at the moment so I won't go purge.

"Sick satisfaction" is the perfect way to describe it. I've got that same voice in my head, believe me. Mine calls me "lard ass" and counts calories by the biteful. I haven't been about fast food lately, but I always felt great about it because it's fatty garbage, anyway; it didn't feel like a "waste" of food. I have a weakness for Whoppers, of all things.

Can you take some iron supplements? Please try if you can.

 

[Morphinekiss]

"Sick satisfaction" is the perfect way to describe it. I've got that same voice in my head, believe me. Mine calls me "lard ass" and counts calories by the biteful. I haven't been about fast food lately, but I always felt great about it because it's fatty garbage, anyway; it didn't feel like a "waste" of food. I have a weakness for Whoppers, of all things.

Can you take some iron supplements? Please try if you can.

Yes I'm doing iron supplements and spinach smoothies in the mornings. I recheck with my doctor in three weeks to see if I need to do infusions, which I hate so I'm trying to behave.

 

[clownangel]

(Yay, baby steps! Honestly even as someone very new here I like seeing your icon pop up in threads I'm reading because you've always got something good to say. Even this! Well, ED stuff isn't...good but yknow, valuable conversation and an exercise in vulnerability as much as being open can completely suck.)

Anywho. Long long dips into more orthorexic leaning stuff when I was growing up (easier to pull off for me as a teenager because at that point I could blame not eating on sensory issues or being a really over the top vegan or some shit, didn't like sports but my best friends mom loved working out together) I started reading stuff geared at adult women young (mom owned a salon, that's unlimited fashion magazines!) and my mom always on again off again dieted so I was always way too aware of what calories "meant" and scared of gaining weight from maybe first grade on. Gross.

I've actually been worrying a lot about slipping into more disordered habits lately (After maybe, 3yrs of doing alright? It lingers always but I wasn't going nuts because I ate an extra serving or anything anymore - plus I can't work out anymore, kind of sucks kind of doesn't) cuz I (purposely) gained a decent amount of weight in my last relationship and something in my head clicked recently that I had to lose it immediately. Started getting comments about my looks a month ago and need to start writing "please don't mention my weight in a positive OR negative manner" on my forehead again apparently.

I'm still fairly restrictive in what I eat (again - the duo of sensory shit AND vegan shit) but I've deleted any sort of tracking app off my phone (again!) and I'm hoping fall food (my favorite) doesn't make me feel like shit all over. I definitely restrict more when I'm feeling awful ("who cares maybe I'll starve haha smart move") so I'm kind of dreading the season for that aspect as well.

....Sorry for the extended ramble, I've deleted chunks of this more than once so I'm just gunna chuck it elsewhere now.

 

[gingerplum]

@alexithymia, @woxihuanni, @Morphinekiss, and @Bulletwbttrflywings ...

I fucking love you guys.

I hovered over the "post" button for a long time, and almost deleted instead of posting. I decided to shine a light in a dark, secret corner of my life and you guys lifted me out of the shadows and rallied around me with support.

@alexithymia and @woxihuanni ... you guys are just the best. The. Best. I wish we were all physically together because I know we'd get on like peanut butter & jelly.

@Morphinekiss and @Bulletwbttrflywings, you both made me feel less alone, and said things that truly resonated with me. You also made me realize that while I pride myself on being 'in control,' I'm trying to manage something that can easily get away from me. There was a time last year when I could no longer physically purge; my gag reflex had packed up and headed down to Key West for a couple of weeks. I know that was evidence of too, too much.

So... now I'll be less reticent to tell my therapist, and we can work on digging towards that root. I might not be ready to quit yet, but I am ready to work on some self awareness.

Thanks so much, you beautiful angels of SS.

(Yay, baby steps! Honestly even as someone very new here I like seeing your icon pop up in threads I'm reading because you've always got something good to say. Even this! Well, ED stuff isn't...good but yknow, valuable conversation and an exercise in vulnerability as much as being open can completely suck.)

Anywho. Long long dips into more orthorexic leaning stuff when I was growing up (easier to pull off for me as a teenager because at that point I could blame not eating on sensory issues or being a really over the top vegan or some shit, didn't like sports but my best friends mom loved working out together) I started reading stuff geared at adult women young (mom owned a salon, that's unlimited fashion magazines!) and my mom always on again off again dieted so I was always way too aware of what calories "meant" and scared of gaining weight from maybe first grade on. Gross.

I've actually been worrying a lot about slipping into more disordered habits lately (After maybe, 3yrs of doing alright? It lingers always but I wasn't going nuts because I ate an extra serving or anything anymore - plus I can't work out anymore, kind of sucks kind of doesn't) cuz I (purposely) gained a decent amount of weight in my last relationship and something in my head clicked recently that I had to lose it immediately. Started getting comments about my looks a month ago and need to start writing "please don't mention my weight in a positive OR negative manner" on my forehead again apparently.

I'm still fairly restrictive in what I eat (again - the duo of sensory shit AND vegan shit) but I've deleted any sort of tracking app off my phone (again!) and I'm hoping fall food (my favorite) doesn't make me feel like shit all over. I definitely restrict more when I'm feeling awful ("who cares maybe I'll starve haha smart move") so I'm kind of dreading the season for that aspect as well.

....Sorry for the extended ramble, I've deleted chunks of this more than once so I'm just gunna chuck it elsewhere now.

Do not apologize, I love this. Loved reading it. "Exercise in vulnerability" is so perfectly fitting, I'm jealous that I didn't think of it myself. Spot on.

Orthorexia. Had to look that up. I definitely use purging and disordered eating as a way to feel more powerful and in control when I feel stressed or overwhelmed; sounds like you might be doing the same, but at least you're taking active steps to not get mired down in it.

Thank you for your kind words and openly sharing your experiences that are so relatable to mine. Looking forward to seeing you lots more, angel (I'm dropping the clown ).

 

[clownangel]

@gingerplum Waaaahhhh y'all are so kind. (I always worry about stumbling through words so asdgj thank you, means a lot coming from someone I see always being so well-spoken!)

& Right! The need for control is...ugh. (I remember seeing the term late in highschool, I totally figured "haha this isn't an eating disorder!" for a while until I got called out on it and realized that EDs are faaar more than just the textbook two heard about most often.)

Thankfully right now with everyone in my household I get reminded/semi forced at times to eat a "human" amount so as long as I can get it in I only have to worry about my brain wanting to twist things out of proportion afterwards. (But hey! Half the battle is at least semi managed for me most of the time.)

Really wish there was an off button on this type of thing, knowing so many folks that just have that lurking nagging bit "even when they're okay" just sucks all around.

 

[Bulletwbttrflywings]

@alexithymia, @woxihuanni, @Morphinekiss, and @Bulletwbttrflywings ...

I fucking love you guys.

I hovered over the "post" button for a long time, and almost deleted instead of posting. I decided to shine a light in a dark, secret corner of my life and you guys lifted me out of the shadows and rallied around me with support.

@alexithymia and @woxihuanni ... you guys are just the best. The. Best. I wish we were all physically together because I know we'd get on like peanut butter & jelly.

@Morphinekiss and @Bulletwbttrflywings, you both made me feel less alone, and said things that truly resonated with me. You also made me realize that while I pride myself on being 'in control,' I'm trying to manage something that can easily get away from me. There was a time last year when I could no longer physically purge; my gag reflex had packed up and headed down to Key West for a couple of weeks. I know that was evidence of too, too much.

So... now I'll be less reticent to tell my therapist, and we can work on digging towards that root. I might not be ready to quit yet, but I am ready to work on some self awareness.

Thanks so much, you beautiful angels of SS.

Do not apologize, I love this. Loved reading it. "Exercise in vulnerability" is so perfectly fitting, I'm jealous that I didn't think of it myself. Spot on.

Orthorexia. Had to look that up. I definitely use purging and disordered eating as a way to feel more powerful and in control when I feel stressed or overwhelmed; sounds like you might be doing the same, but at least you're taking active steps to not get mired down in it.

Thank you for your kind words and openly sharing your experiences that are so relatable to mine. Looking forward to seeing you lots more, angel (I'm dropping the clown ).

Fucking love you too. Keep that chin up, buttercup. You are loved and welcome. And most definitely not alone

 

[Morphinekiss]

For what it's worth @gingerplum i'm glad you decided to press post. This topic has been weighing on me heavily lately and I've had no where/no one to speak about it all with.

 

[mk47]

I definitely eat too much. I stuff my fave with carbs. My sister always has this contemptuous look on her face. Maybe it's my face she hates, as my nose bends to the right making it as if part of my face is ignoring you

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I had a brief period of anorexia and a very long period of binge eating and obsessive exercising. I get so angry when people say anything about my weight, either negative or positive...well it seems like people were always negative actually...they would imply that I was too fat or say I was too skinny when I was a healthy weight. I wish people would just mind their own goddamn business. I stopped caring what other people think.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I've overeaten throughout many phases of my life, especially during times of major depression. I've weighed anywhere between 170 and 270lbs at any given time. Currently I'm 220 and look normal for my height (I'm super tall).

Basically I alternate between "I don't give a shit, let me eat everything in sight" and "I'm a fat bastard, I'm doing this horrible restrictive diet for x amount of weeks." I've never purged though. I can't bring myself to throw up.

 

[gingerplum]

I've overeaten throughout many phases of my life, especially during times of major depression. I've weighed anywhere between 170 and 270lbs at any given time. Currently I'm 220 and look normal for my height (I'm super tall).

Basically I alternate between "I don't give a shit, let me eat everything in sight" and "I'm a fat bastard, I'm doing this horrible restrictive diet for x amount of weeks." I've never purged though. I can't bring myself to throw up.

You realize things are getting super weird when you start to enjoy throwing up. I also vacillate between not giving a shit and self-fisgust. But more importantly...

Omfg you're BACK!! So great to see you, Angst! I thought you were gone. Really happy you're here, you're one of the people I looked for when I came back myself recently.

 

[LastFlowers]

I've had every eating disorder in the book. Anorexia then binge eating then bulimia.
This was many years ago. I don't consider my eating disordered now. Just problems with appetite and taking care of myself with diet. (The closest I've come to disordered eating in recent years has been "orthorexia.")
I don't feel there is a point anymore. I'm not good looking or comfortable in my skin, and diet won't change that so why bother (although I was super healthy for a time).
Either I have no appetite and don't eat because I'm so depressed or I eat almost manically out of stress and anxiety. I still don't consider what's going on now as an eating disorder.
I think because I've dealt with the real deal before. And quite frankly, I've got bigger fish to fry.

When I was younger I was very thin but healthy, then I began to notice a difference between me and others. I didn't look like other girls. I wasn't treated like them. I was ugly or simply just not attractive. Not long after, I developed anorexia. (Also extreme over exercising)
I think I tried to take control of my looks by starving myself, I thought being extra thin would make me pretty. Obviously that's not how it works. I got down to like 68 lbs at one point. Chunks of hair were falling out of my head and I would laugh about it to my friend in school because I was probably mentally gone and about to faint at any moment.
It didn't last long but was very bad while it lasted. When I began eating again, I couldn't get enough food.
But my parents-especially my father-went from trying to force me to eat to controlling my food intake. To the point that I started to ask my little brother to sneak me goldfish by pouring them into his shirt like a kangaroo pouch.
My father was very weird and controlling with food and used to check the fridge and comment on what was missing and how much of it was missing, calling me and my brothers "pigs" and any form of "pig" he could think of. None of us were even remotely close to being overweight. He would threaten to put locks on the cabinets and refrigerator. Even to this day, if I "steal" some of his food, he acts like I've committed a mortal sin and calls me EVIL behind my back.
Bizarre.
(He also blames all my problems on stemming from when I became a vegetarian, of which I am no longer, but looking back, it is nonetheless insane. Literally has nothing to do with anything. I was just an animal-loving child. He blames my aunt and cousins because they are vegetarians. He still brings it up to this day. Again, bizarre. I don't think he will ever see that if any one person was to blame for my eating disorders- besides the awful feeling my unfortunate genetics played in me-it would be him and his controlling ways. Both my parents were controlling and far more with me, as the oldest and only female, than my other siblings. But my father was the one who was the weirdest with other people and food. I found an old journal with like only 5 pages in it where I referred to them as "The Controllers" lmao like Remote controllers you use for a television.)

So anyway, after over-eating (and gaining a substantial amount of weight) sometimes out of spite to piss off my dad, I began throwing up to counter it. I barely have a gag reflex so you can imagine how that went down. A useless struggle. Very hard on my body. And I had braces so my teeth took a hit, and I already had enough issues with my teeth and that whole area, my face in general, so yea.
I think that's what made me stop.
I was ruining my teeth and my face was extra puffy and just all kinds of excess NOPE. My need to take some control over my looks, which started my string of eating disorders, was ironically the same thing that stopped them. I realized that I wasn't doing myself any favors.

And honestly, eating disorders take a lot of energy out of you, I don't think my brain could even tackle the job of dealing with one right now. I'm exhausted, I can barely function.

But I still understand some of the aspects that come along with it.
The "stomach full" vs "stomach empty" feeling. My stomach being full used to make me feel more out of control and out of balance. It still does to some degree but not enough not to eat. Eating something that tastes good is the only superficial-or any "ficial"- anything I get out of existing anymore. Sleep used to bring some peace but now even that is minimal and dreams are flooded with stress and distraught thoughts.

Also yes, I believe we get some type of chemical reaction when we puke up our guts. It's like a drug. Mine however was tempered heavily with pain and discomfort so it was not worth it to continue. I'd rather feel miserably fat and full then jam my fingers, a toothbrush, upside down utensils, rolled up paper towels and whatever else I could find to shove down my throat to enact the gag mechanism.

You're not alone in this issue but it's good to get a handle on it, honestly when I was the healthiest and had the least disordered eating, was also when I was the thinnest. All my eating disorder(s) did was make my unfortunate self look even shittier.
I don't think there is a problem in wanting some control especially when there are other things that we don't have control over. But there are healthier, more self-serving ways to take control in this area.
I guess if someone is on their way to catch the bus, it hardly matters. Still, I thought it worth mentioning.

 

[woxihuanni]

I love you too, @gingerplum. ❤ Yes I wish we could go out for drinks. ☺

 

[gingerplum]

I've had every eating disorder in the book. Anorexia then binge eating then bulimia.
This was many years ago. I don't consider my eating disordered now. Just problems with appetite and taking care of myself with diet. (The closest I've come to disordered eating in recent years has been "orthorexia.")
I don't feel there is a point anymore. I'm not good looking or comfortable in my skin, and diet won't change that so why bother (although I was super healthy for a time).
Either I have no appetite and don't eat because I'm so depressed or I eat almost manically out of stress and anxiety. I still don't consider what's going on now as an eating disorder.
I think because I've dealt with the real deal before. And quite frankly, I've got bigger fish to fry.

When I was younger I was very thin but healthy, then I began to notice a difference between me and others. I didn't look like other girls. I wasn't treated like them. I was ugly or simply just not attractive. Not long after, I developed anorexia. (Also extreme over exercising)
I think I tried to take control of my looks by starving myself, I thought being extra thin would make me pretty. Obviously that's not how it works. I got down to like 68 lbs at one point. Chunks of hair were falling out of my head and I would laugh about it to my friend in school because I was probably mentally gone and about to faint at any moment.
It didn't last long but was very bad while it lasted. When I began eating again, I couldn't get enough food.
But my parents-especially my father-went from trying to force me to eat to controlling my food intake. To the point that I started to ask my little brother to sneak me goldfish by pouring them into his shirt like a kangaroo pouch.
My father was very weird and controlling with food and used to check the fridge and comment on what was missing and how much of it was missing, calling me and my brothers "pigs" and any form of "pig" he could think of. None of us were even remotely close to being overweight. He would threaten to put locks on the cabinets and refrigerator. Even to this day, if I "steal" some of his food, he acts like I've committed a mortal sin and calls me EVIL behind my back.
Bizarre.
(He also blames all my problems on stemming from when I became a vegetarian, of which I am no longer, but looking back, it is nonetheless insane. Literally has nothing to do with anything. I was just an animal-loving child. He blames my aunt and cousins because they are vegetarians. He still brings it up to this day. Again, bizarre. I don't think he will ever see that if any one person was to blame for my eating disorders- besides the awful feeling my unfortunate genetics played in me-it would be him and his controlling ways. Both my parents were controlling and far more with me, as the oldest and only female, than my other siblings. But my father was the one who was the weirdest with other people and food. I found an old journal with like only 5 pages in it where I referred to them as "The Controllers" lmao like Remote controllers you use for a television.)

So anyway, after over-eating (and gaining a substantial amount of weight) sometimes out of spite to piss off my dad, I began throwing up to counter it. I barely have a gag reflex so you can imagine how that went down. A useless struggle. Very hard on my body. And I had braces so my teeth took a hit, and I already had enough issues with my teeth and that whole area, my face in general, so yea.
I think that's what made me stop.
I was ruining my teeth and my face was extra puffy and just all kinds of excess NOPE. My need to take some control over my looks, which started my string of eating disorders, was ironically the same thing that stopped them. I realized that I wasn't doing myself any favors.

And honestly, eating disorders take a lot of energy out of you, I don't think my brain could even tackle the job of dealing with one right now. I'm exhausted, I can barely function.

But I still understand some of the aspects that come along with it.
The "stomach full" vs "stomach empty" feeling. My stomach being full used to make me feel more out of control and out of balance. It still does to some degree but not enough not to eat. Eating something that tastes good is the only superficial-or any "ficial"- anything I get out of existing anymore. Sleep used to bring some peace but now even that is minimal and dreams are flooded with stress and distraught thoughts.

Also yes, I believe we get some type of chemical reaction when we puke up our guts. It's like a drug. Mine however was tempered heavily with pain and discomfort so it was not worth it to continue. I'd rather feel miserably fat and full then jam my fingers, a toothbrush, upside down utensils, rolled up paper towels and whatever else I could find to shove down my throat to enact the gag mechanism.

You're not alone in this issue but it's good to get a handle on it, honestly when I was the healthiest and had the least disordered eating, was also when I was the thinnest. All my eating disorder(s) did was make my unfortunate self look even shittier.
I don't think there is a problem in wanting some control especially when there are other things that we don't have control over. But there are healthier, more self-serving ways to take control in this area.
I guess if someone is on their way to catch the bus, it hardly matters. Still, I thought it worth mentioning.

Oh my gosh, THANK YOU for sharing. You're right, it really doesn't matter if you're on the way to the bus stop, but I have one foot in suicidal intent and the other in recovery.

Either I have no appetite and don't eat because I'm so depressed or I eat almost manically out of stress and anxiety.

This describes me to a tee. I was absentmindedly eating, eating, eating everything in sight; honestly the taste and thinking about what to eat next is distracting from depression, and I was using it for comfort.

Today was the first day I've eaten in a few days, and I'm just sick about how much I ate. I'm either put off by food, or I have no self control.

The stories about your father are just unbelievable. I can't even imagine chastising a child for eating; I'm so sorry you were treated that way. I cannot stand to see a kid not eat, I'm always pushing food. In fact, my daughter's best friend is at her father's house several days a week, and she says there's never anything to make lunch with... my daughter was splitting her own lunch with her. As soon as I found out, I started sending my kid to school with 2 lunches to make sure they both ate. I've been doing this for about 3 years. Every Friday is "surprise day Friday," where they get a little gift like a new lip gloss or a fancy pen in their lunch, which they love & it's really fun for me to do.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Kudos for sharing, I'd say it's absolutely the right thing to do. The more you can understand what motivates your relationship with food the better.

I myself have always suffered from what I call Food Autism. My underlying OCD expressed itself in my relationship with food. Hard to explain, I always liked to eat but always had problems food shopping and cooking. I could build a computer or service my car but cooking a roast dinner was a dark art that struck fear into my heart. I think food became my focus for existential anxiety because it is so very essential. I was actually afraid of cooking. I survived by using the work canteen.

Ironic really that now I can't even use a cooker and haven't had a full meal in two months.

 

[stellabelle]

Oh I feel fricken huge. I've gone from sickly and starving to binging and heavy to completely overweight by eating my feelings and slowly going back down. I never got into purging. I just miss starving and that "high" feeling that comes with it. Then I just overate because things hurt so much over the years. I hope to become so sad again that I refuse to eat and the pounds shed off again like they did before.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Anyone here have an eating disorder? Disordered eating? I'm wondering if it is affected by your mood, and/or if it has any impact on suicidal ideation.

I have purged for almost my entire adult life. I don't binge per se; for me a "binge" would be something more than what I usually eat... last time it was a burger and a cookie. In my mind, that's too much food for one meal.

I feel a bit panicky if my stomach feels really full. In fact, usually before I eat a full meal, I will have made sure that a bathroom with some privacy is available. If not, then I eat less, and I eat slowly and deliberately. I love food, and I love to eat, but I feel contempt for myself if I think I eat too much. It also gives me a sense of relief and release, in much the same way I imagine that self cutters or hair pullers get.

At the same time, I've never felt like it was a compulsion that I couldn't control. It's never escalated to a point where I felt like it was disruptive to my life in any way, and I've never had any side effects from it. I never felt like I was endangering my health, because I understand the risks of a fluid electrolyte imbalance and I would never allow that to happen.

Am I justifying and rationalizing? Sure. Again, it's never been what I'd consider excessive, and I'm really ok the way I am. Purging is cathartic, and not just physically; it gives me a sense of power and control, not to mention controlling my weight. I can literally have my cake and eat it, too. I really don't want to give it up.

My fixation with my weight is definitely something I'd like to be less obsessed with. I'm 5'3" and 129 lbs; right now I'm really ashamed and embarrassed that I've absentmindedly eaten my way to 10-15 lbs over my ideal weight. I avoid mirrors because all I see is a double chin and arms that look like sausages. Anxiety also feeds into it for sure.

Someone pointed out to me recently that I often reach out to others, but I don't reveal much about myself. I wanted to describe this so I can get more comfortable with sharing. It's really unnerving for me to describe in detail what others might see as a weakness or a failure. Maybe my input won't be valued as much because I'm so obviously flawed. So this is my way of confronting my fears, trying baby steps to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, I guess.

Whew, that's a lot for me to reveal.

Anyone else? Thoughts?

No sweetie I've never experienced and eating disorder. But you have been so good to me on this site and I never knew what your problem was. I'm glad you shared and I hope you become more used to sharing and more comfortable with doing so. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It really isn't. You didn't choose this. It's all a combination of OCD, anxiety. Depression and a lack of feeling in charge. It doesn't make you weak at all. You are strong for expressing it to everyone on the group and I want you to give yourself a lot of credit for doing so. Do they have support groups where you live for people with eating disorders where you can go talk with people that are dealing with the same issues? I truly hope you can find your way out of this. I can't pretend to know what this feels like. But I know it's on your mind probably every minute of every day and that is enough to make someone want to kill themselves. That is the OCD part of it. There are a lot of factors that go into this particular illness. But again I'm very proud of you for sharing. Even if you want someone just to vent to you know I'm here. You've been such a comfort to me that I hope I can be the same for you.i wish you peace.

 

[gingerplum]

No sweetie I've never experienced and eating disorder. But you have been so good to me on this site and I never knew what your problem was. I'm glad you shared and I hope you become more used to sharing and more comfortable with doing so. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It really isn't. You didn't choose this. It's all a combination of OCD, anxiety. Depression and a lack of feeling in charge. It doesn't make you weak at all. You are strong for expressing it to everyone on the group and I want you to give yourself a lot of credit for doing so. Do they have support groups where you live for people with eating disorders where you can go talk with people that are dealing with the same issues? I truly hope you can find your way out of this. I can't pretend to know what this feels like. But I know it's on your mind probably every minute of every day and that is enough to make someone want to kill themselves. That is the OCD part of it. There are a lot of factors that go into this particular illness. But again I'm very proud of you for sharing. Even if you want someone just to vent to you know I'm here. You've been such a comfort to me that I hope I can be the same for you.i wish you peace.

"It's all a combination of OCD, anxiety. Depression and a lack of feeling in charge."

This. This so much. You really, really nailed it. The ED isn't my primary problem but a manifestation of how out of control I'm feeling secondary to other problems.

What a thoughtful & insightful response, thank you. I'm actually surprised at how much it helps me to see the concrete way you laid everything out and the empathy you extended