I genuinely cannot cope with the dysphoria it is debilitating it keeps me in agony and tears all day year after year. I hate my ugly face body and voice. I want to mutilate down there and I want to rip my vocal cords out. I'm trapped in my own head uncomfortable in this body this house this life I want to be literally any other girl. I'm tired of self harming and crying and having cosntant panic and anxiety attacks the executive dysfunction from how much agony the dysphoria has me in is unbearable and the trans community really aren't there for each other. I ask for help I've been on hrt for two years been doing self directed voice therapy for 4 years and I diet. I want to be able to look in the mirror without crying I want to be able to speak and it be my real voice. I'm so traumatized and trapped there is no way out crowdfunding never works for surgeries. Disabled trans women have just no hope... I can't stand it I really really cant. It's not fair all the abuse and truama but the dysphoria is worse than everything combines. I can't go outside or online without seeing another girl and choking on my own tears. I'm currently at a friend's place because my gf doesn't want me getting to the SN.
I feel you a lot. I've been backstabbed by the trans community in the past and I received literally 0 support during my entire 4 years of transitioning from the Swiss trans community. I've been kicked and banned from so many trans groups because I'm very open about my struggles and the suicide ideation I suffer from. I've experienced so much exclusion and outright bullying from this community, you wouldn't believe me. I agree with you that you can't rely on them. That's why I'm here. This community has done so much more in terms of actual support, empathy and compassion than any other trans "support" group out there. There are many bad faith actors in said community that have no issue to stomp down on you and walk over your dead body. It's an issue and I wish we could actually support each other. But I turned my back on this community. I hope you'll eventually receive the support you need. Support is crucial if you're trans. Doesn't matter if it's family, friends or generally a good community that looks after you. It's social isolation, loneliness, being alone with your struggle that kills trans people.
In terms of gender dysphoria, I really feel your struggle because I'm in the same boat but I'm sure you're actually passing way more than your dysphoria lets you see it - I'm not trying to hugbox you but gender dysphoria makes us think that we look absolutely horrible if we don't. You've been doing HRT for 2 years, that's a long time - but there is still a long way to go, your second puberty once you started HRT can last up to 3-5 years. How old were you when you started yours? That's the important question. If you started in your early years, you can expect tremendous results from HRT. So keep it up, you can still expect changes in your body even after 2 years into your transition.
I don't know all of your circumstances and I'm not sure where you live but I'm sure there will be some options when it comes to surgeries. I feel your pain, I'm also dependent on my disability insurance and I could never afford an actual surgery myself because I live in severe poverty. But most countries in the first world - and I'll simply assume you live there - at least cover
some basic trans-related surgeries. But keep in mind, there is no actual cure for dysphoria, according to all major global health organizations. You can only treat it so much with medical options such as HRT and surgeries. But it's likely that the dysphoria will remain a part of your life despite all these treatments and you'll eventually have to accept that. It's possible you'll feel dysphoric even if you have the best passing in the world, I'm not gonna lie. I know so many lovely trans people with amazing passing, you would never know they're actually trans but their own dysphoria is still crushing them and shows the wrong gender in the mirror. That's why it's such a tricky condition, our own mind plays us really hard. For example, I'm 4 years into this and I still experience severe gender dysphoria. I certainly improved when I started my HRT and you can expect more improvement in the upcoming years but I'm still very unhappy with my body. I had voice surgery back in July. I have my FFS scheduled for Spring - and this is my last attempt and honestly my last chance to fight the dysphoria. If the FFS doesn't fix it, nothing will. And in that case, I'll give up and join the 41%.
But I know it's possible to reduce the gender dysphoria to a bare minimum, I know plenty of trans people that manage to live a decent life despite the dysphoria, you're not hopeless. Maybe you can be one of them some day. Keep fighting though, you're still in the beginning of your journey, I linked a graphic with the start, duration and end of changes due to HRT. And as you can see, with your 2 years, you're still in the middle of your transition. I wish you a lot of peace and I hope you'll find what you're looking for.
If you have any questions about trans-related matters, you can always message me. One question though: why does your GF know about SN? Is she trying to keep you from leaving? Does she know about your struggle? Is she trans, maybe? Just some curiosity on my part.
