Of course, I can relate very much. Family is the root of all my problems and they are the reason I am constantly unhappy in life. I'm pretty sure my mother had postpartum depression, because all she did was beating the shit out of my sister and me. She was so incredibly unhappy in her marriage, and all she could do was to took out her anger on us.
That's because on the other hand my father is a very narcissistic man. They hated each other from the start, so basically it was fucked up ever since then.
When I think about my childhood, all I feel is fear. Constant fear of them, like "ohgod who's going to yell at me today? Am I going to be slapped? What kind of mood are they in today?"
My parents had maaaany many many opportunities when it comes to money. They've had their own restaurants and all. Growing up, I think we were in the mid-upper class actually, but STILL never had enough money, god knows what my parents did with all of it, but there were constant fights about money every single day still.
Now they are divorced, both of them have a fucked up job with a salary that's barely enough to survive. They are both unhappy and poor (me too).
My sister developed BPD due to all the shit that has happened, and it plays a big part in my fucked up life too.
Because ever since my sister got sick, she had suicide attempts almost every week, which made my parents to only focus on her, her, her, her and her.
I am pretty traumatized from her attempts still, eventho the last one was 11 years ago.
Now I am 28 yrs old. I only managed to find a part time job which I HATE and it barely pays me anything. I have like $30 for the whole month. My clothes are worn out, old, awful. I have no talent, basically no social skills or anything.
I truly feel like my parents have failed to teach me the basic things in life, I am 99% sure I have undiagnosed autism, and overall my mind is just an awful place.
Every single day I wish I was dead. There's not an hour that goes by without me thinking about hanging myself or trying to get the courage to order SN.
I have no idea how to talk to people, because I truly, deeply hate people from the bottom of my heart. Making eye contact is like climbing a huge mountain. Never in my 28 years have I had a close friend, I am alone, always always always alone. Nobody cares about me, and I have no idea what it feels like to be hugged, touched, cared for.
So yeah, I am a female actually and (I think because of my age) my body and brain is in relationship-marriage-baby-home-safety mode. But never in my 28 years have I ever talked to a man in person except my father and my grandfathers. I am terrified.
And yeah, I am ugly af. Of course, because I don't have money to make myself pretty.
Anyway I'm sorry it's too long, but overall all of this, all of my beliefs and my fucked up brain is my parents fault.