Dying without wish fulfilled.

[PDAnnie2610]

I have tentative plans to ctb this year and wanted to travel with my siblings and visit someone before I leave. But it seems that I'm not a priority to my loved ones and only one out of my three siblings is putting aside time to travel with me before I go, despite me sharing with them earlier that I'm not sticking around. I guess I'll have to accept that I'll die with regrets.

It's been hard trying to strike a balance between telling treasured friends that I really want more time with them as time is running out, and not telling them why there might not be a chance in future for me to spend time with them. It's breaking my heart but I've longed to leave since 12 and I've given myself 20 years. And it's been over 13 years of struggling with psychiatric treatment, gynaecological issues and anger towards self.

I'm waiting for SN and I'll take it with domperidone (24 hour Regime with 12 hour fasting from food, if I manage to get the SN), then SN and an antihistamine to knock me out.

I hope they can forgive me but the hurt has been twisting my guts and I'm but a shadow of what I am. I'm thinking if I want to settle my funeral issues along with dealing with my assets (as I am part of a large family and it's advisable to settle it to prevent disputes, though I don't have a lot). I have a lot of things I'm worried about, hence I can't ctb yet though I do want to.

I sometimes wish I matter more to those of my blood because in my culture, those with blood ties are obligated towards each other. But I'm also (trying) to come to terms that fingers from the same hand are of different length, hence love and affection is not usually given equally in a family, and thus I may not matter to those whom I should matter to. But I'm trying not to blame them, though it is painful.

My only wish is for those of my blood to be kind to each other, and that my elderly grandma does not have to face the threat of being evicted from the household because of what my father does. I know life will go on as usual for my siblings after some time and that gives me a measure of comfort. I do not know how to continue to live a life in which I'm barren, alone and panting/aching. There's anger at times but it's hard to understand why it's there, though perhaps I don't wish to face the real reasons why I'm angry.

I'll finish my duties for the next year or so, and either my pain diminishes, or I end it all. Thanks for reading my rant, and thanks much to the forum owners for giving this space and freedom to all of us.

 

[Sensei]

I'll finish my duties for the next year or so, and either my pain diminishes, or I end it all.

Then I cross my fingers that your pain will become more bearable or, possibly, that you find a way to cope with it more easily.

 

[TAW122]

I had the same concerns too, but I won't let something hold me back when my time has come. I'm close to CTB similar to how I felt in early 2019 as of now. While I may have some goals and things wishing to seek or do, I have also come to terms that I may/not always get them done, or at least the way I expect it to. Nevertheless, you are really kind to consider your family, especially your elderly grandmother.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Then I cross my fingers that your pain will become more bearable or, possibly, that you find a way to cope with it more easily.

Thank you. I've waited more than 13 years, I'm not holding out much hope that one year will make a difference positively.

I had the same concerns too, but I won't let something hold me back when my time has come. I'm close to CTB similar to how I felt in early 2019 as of now. While I may have some goals and things wishing to seek or do, I have also come to terms that I may/not always get them done, or at least the way I expect it to. Nevertheless, you are really kind to consider your family, especially your elderly grandmother.

My elderly grandma brought me up, and did more than what my birth mother had done for me. Though old and uneducated, she knew I was suffering and often extend more understanding to me than the rest of the family combined mostly. I owe her much, and she's the only person I'm worried about should I eventually ctb.