Venting Dying inside every day

[Circles]

Preface to say apologies for the rambling cause I was close to shooting myself last night.

Darkness killing me day in and day out. Inside I'm crying where there's nothing. Nothing but a pitch black hole full of my inner demons each pecking at my blackened heart. And while I feel like I started with a heart full of love as I've grown older my heart has grown darker and full of hate. Self hatred boiling me down into nothing not even dust nor atoms could exist in. I wake up every day thinking it could be different, but no matter what it stays the same by getting worse. My heart is telling me that I'm consumed with darkness I can't escape from. An enveloping indescribable cursed darkness which follows me everywhere. Even in my dreams or nightmares whenever I have them I feel that dark presence is just waiting and lurking. I wake with these vivid feelings from the dreams that I can't shake off. Every day I tell myself could the darkness get any worse? As I tell myself comforting lies, deep down I know better. There's no rock bottom. There's no light at the end of tunnel. For some people they are too far gone and nothing will help. And as much as I surely wish I could kill myself and end this darkness once and for all, in my fucked up thinking that's what the darkness wants me to do is kill myself if that makes any sense. What haunts me even more is the thought that no matter what even if I die however means that the darkness will follow me forever.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Preface to say apologies for the rambling cause I was close to shooting myself last night.

Darkness killing me day in and day out. Inside I'm crying where there's nothing. Nothing but a pitch black hole full of my inner demons each pecking at my blackened heart. And while I feel like I started with a heart full of love as I've grown older my heart has grown darker and full of hate. Self hatred boiling me down into nothing not even dust nor atoms could exist in. I wake up every day thinking it could be different, but no matter what it stays the same by getting worse. My heart is telling me that I'm consumed with darkness I can't escape from. An enveloping indescribable cursed darkness which follows me everywhere. Even in my dreams or nightmares whenever I have them I feel that dark presence is just waiting and lurking. I wake with these vivid feelings from the dreams that I can't shake off. Every day I tell myself could the darkness get any worse? As I tell myself comforting lies, deep down I know better. There's no rock bottom. There's no light at the end of tunnel. For some people they are too far gone and nothing will help. And as much as I surely wish I could kill myself and end this darkness once and for all, in my fucked up thinking that's what the darkness wants me to do is kill myself if that makes any sense. What haunts me even more is the thought that no matter what even if I die however means that the darkness will follow me forever.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Catching the bus is incredibly hard. That's why I'm still here...
You seem to have suffered so long. Personally, I've always thought CTB will end all my suffering, even at my lowest point in my life, because I believe there is nothing after death, and it's comforting. But if I changed my mind and thought that the darkness will follow me forever, it's the very definition of hell and my worst nightmare! Feeling like that is definitely a mental torture.
I might not be able to offer much comfort, but I wish you the best

 

[CTB Dream]

Vry sry vry know how, all dtriort all worse this no end endle suffer pain etc no thing help, vry know dark. All day worse no see posbl change keep dtriort this prrisok this trap no able do any all worse worse worse. No end. Vry sry know how me injury damage no end all worse lose all, vry know hug

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing certainly can be torture and there really does seem to be no peace from suffering in this world. It's really true that there is no such thing as rock bottom which is why this world certainly is hell to me. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[Zegers]

When you leave, its over, darkness and different problems.

 

[Kanashii]

We all are dying inside every single day. Nothing can make us feel any better especially when we feel the way we do. Personally, I started out with a heart full of love too, but as you said, that gradually turned into nothing but hate and pain due to this life's issues and its complexity.

I think the only way I can feel truly happy is by not existing anymore unless something tragic happens that changes how things are in my life, but I highly doubt that. None of us know what comes after death but the darkness might not follow after, we never know. I hope you eventually feel better though and I wish you the best.