Venting Dying for my parents.

[AJwantsToGo]

Over the last two months I managed to lessen my depression. I started art school, had goals and some hope. I was proud of myself. It's been getting bad again, mainly because I'm a burden to my parents. My father especially is finished with me and constantly angry / frustrated, giving me the silent treatment, insulting me, etc. A couple of weeks ago he was totally done and wanted to kick me out. My mother calmed the situation down from backstage. Recently it's been going on again. He told me today he only felt this bad in childhood (a time where he was extremely abused). I'm dragging him down, he wants to be happy etc. He wants us all to go our separate paths, all because of me and how much pain I cause because of my eating disorder and addiction. I don't hurt them directly, it's that I'm chronically sick that upsets them. I feel hopeless, without control of it. So I'm back to the only option where everyone finds peace, my parents can live happily ever after and I can rest. I didn't want to leave the earth so soon, I always wanted to travel through Asia before I die but my time is running out. I have to save my only family. I cry so often, I keep being hurt by words, worst of it all is I have to get it done soon. I really wanted to enjoy some more art before the end, I was finally on my way to make friends after years and years of isolation. I guess it can't be helped. I'm not strong enough to bear the burden of ruining my family. It's enough being a burden and knowing it, but being responsible for ruining this? That's too much. The only way I can actually do it would be a huge drug overdose, I get paid soon, but I'm scared it'll already happen. I guess I could put them on my tab, but I'm afraid it'll affect my parents after I'm gone even though they would get all my money and valuables. I don't know if I should write a letter- maybe just a sentence that it was intentional so they can rule out anything else and not make problems for mom and dad or the dealers.

I'm just disappointed and scared.

 

[itsraining]

I've thought so many times in my life that I ruined my mother's life by being an awkward child who didn't really go out much. For some reason I put it in my head that I was draining at her life, but looking back I realized she was doing that to herself. It's still painful though, being deprived of a parents unconditional love. It fucking hurts. I feel like so many other people have received the right to a parent's love so I feel cheated. I'm sorry that you're in pain, everyone deserves a life full of love and acceptance. The world is a cruel place that leaves so many people and children behind.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

I've thought so many times in my life that I ruined my mother's life by being an awkward child who didn't really go out much. For some reason I put it in my head that I was draining at her life, but looking back I realized she was doing that to herself. It's still painful though, being deprived of a parents unconditional love. It fucking hurts. I feel like so many other people have received the right to a parent's love so I feel cheated. I'm sorry that you're in pain, everyone deserves a life full of love and acceptance. The world is a cruel place that leaves so many people and children behind.

Thank you, it's strange because they want me to improve but I only improve when they support me. I know I'm not perfect but dammit it feels like if I wasn't their only child I wouldn't have all this pressure on me. Sending you love.

 

[puella]

Please don't CTB for someone else's sake. It's not your place to die for that reason. It's your life; it's your death. The places and cultures in Asia are beautiful—go see them.

You can have a life on your own, away from a direct connection to your parents, even if that process is difficult. I'm sure you can make it work.

You are just as important as anyone else on earth. I care about you. I need you to know that you are important.

 

[undecided]

Over the last two months I managed to lessen my depression. I started art school, had goals and some hope. I was proud of myself. It's been getting bad again, mainly because I'm a burden to my parents. My father especially is finished with me and constantly angry / frustrated, giving me the silent treatment, insulting me, etc. A couple of weeks ago he was totally done and wanted to kick me out. My mother calmed the situation down from backstage. Recently it's been going on again. He told me today he only felt this bad in childhood (a time where he was extremely abused). I'm dragging him down, he wants to be happy etc. He wants us all to go our separate paths, all because of me and how much pain I cause because of my eating disorder and addiction. I don't hurt them directly, it's that I'm chronically sick that upsets them. I feel hopeless, without control of it. So I'm back to the only option where everyone finds peace, my parents can live happily ever after and I can rest. I didn't want to leave the earth so soon, I always wanted to travel through Asia before I die but my time is running out. I have to save my only family. I cry so often, I keep being hurt by words, worst of it all is I have to get it done soon. I really wanted to enjoy some more art before the end, I was finally on my way to make friends after years and years of isolation. I guess it can't be helped. I'm not strong enough to bear the burden of ruining my family. It's enough being a burden and knowing it, but being responsible for ruining this? That's too much. The only way I can actually do it would be a huge drug overdose, I get paid soon, but I'm scared it'll already happen. I guess I could put them on my tab, but I'm afraid it'll affect my parents after I'm gone even though they would get all my money and valuables. I don't know if I should write a letter- maybe just a sentence that it was intentional so they can rule out anything else and not make problems for mom and dad or the dealers.

I'm just disappointed and scared.

Do you have a friend or other family member you could stay with for a while? It sounds like both you, and your parents need some space right now.

 

[AJwantsToGo]

Do you have a friend or other family member you could stay with for a while? It sounds like both you, and your parents need some space right now.

I've been kicked out before- lived for a month at my ex best friend's place before I was admitted to a mental hospital because of work burnout and anorexia. It made me much worse though, I regret it every single day of my life. I have nowhere to go, and even when we get space they are only angrier at meand hold it against me for some reason. My only option is the street, where I could possibly freeze to death because of the country I live in. Feels hopeless, sorry for being so negative and venting.

Please don't CTB for someone else's sake. It's not your place to die for that reason. It's your life; it's your death. The places and cultures in Asia are beautiful—go see them.

You can have a life on your own, away from a direct connection to your parents, even if that process is difficult. I'm sure you can make it work.

You are just as important as anyone else on earth. I care about you. I need you to know that you are important.

Thank you for all the sweet words, I feel guilty for taking the time out of your day. To be honest I thought this post would be completely ignored.

It feels like I don't have a choice, I have nowhere to go. I've been suicidal for a long time- each attempt for different reason but most connect to each other. I know I'm going to regret this, but at the same time I know in real life there will be one person that will miss me before she moves on. It won't matter. I'm coming to terms with making a sacrifice to improve the life of people affected by me. I've always thought that life is temporary but death is permanent, which is why I'm so anxious and frankly a wreck. But my moral code keeps yelling at me to do what's right, sadly the right thing for everyone is the bad thing for me :( and I hate that my existence has been awful for everyone, it makes me cry.

On a positive note, I have until the first of november- maybe I can pet my cats for a little longer. Once again, thanks