I recently had a 10 year marriage/relationship end with me going to jail for a bit and her taking out a restraining order on me. We had a bad fight, not physical, but she's painting me as an abuser to everyone we knew. Our relationship was complicated, but we were good 99% of the time, though we both had our traumas and mental health problems. My life was built around her the last few years, I lost my jobs for a variety of reasons just before COVID hit but we built a business together and I would take care of the vast majority of the housework. I was an agoraphobic for a few years, never really left my house and I really didn't talk to anyone but her. I don't resent her for her actions, at some level she's just trying to survive and live her best possible life in spite of her trauma. I had my failures and mistakes, I wasn't a perfect partner (neither was she to be clear) but I thought I tried hard most of the time.
Now I'm back at my parents place, feeling like an incredible burden. My obsession with her does not fade. It burns in my mind the second I wake up till I pass out. I have spent the 3 months since things suddenly broke apart searching for any signs of her. She's obviously blocked me on everything, but I can see her tweet count, her instagram post count/follower count, and a few other things. I feel completely insane, this is not the person I want to be. But I feel like I've lost 10 years of life building progress, I got a taste of a nearly perfect domestic life with a beautiful, bright, enthusiastic girl. When I was younger I never had luck with dating, I didn't think I'd ever find anyone, but she kind of fell into my lap after we met at work. Losing her, especially with no real closure, has by far been the toughest thing I've been through. Sometimes I think about how I'd rather be back in jail than wasting away in my family's house being a complete burden who sleeps 16 hours a day, at least it was less lonely.. I am left in far worse condition than when we started dating. No car, No job, No place of my own, No friends (they all think I'm an abuser now), I need extensive dental work and implants, Any former hobbies & interests don't do anything for me, and now I have an arrest record and a very messy family law case.
My obsession, losing the only person I loved & loved me, my current situation being quite bleak, the circumstances of our split and becoming a person I never wanted to become have led me to strongly consider to CTB alongside lifetime mental health struggles that don't ever seem to get better despite decades of therapy and psychiatric care. I'm deeply worn out, remorseful, and I want these feelings to stop & never feel them again. Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all? Maybe. But I'm left not really knowing who I even am after this split with no real reason to continue.
