Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Haaa this is a rant I may or may not expand on.....
I'm actually exhausted this morning anyway and like... it's only the morning...
Funny enough I actually slept p. well last night....
Sooo.... yeah I just feel like at the usual cross road.
"i wanna kill myself but I don't have the means and for someeèeèe reason... It just seems like a waste of money and time to dedicate it to dying"
Somehow... even tho I KNOW life is not... so giving?
In the back of my head always has the "if I just put in the effort for life SOMETHINGS will give. I will make change in my life.
I don't feel like fuckin trying, like most of all with everything. I don't want to live a half-ass life, where I'm half alive amd half dead..... Been there, done that... it's miserable.... and (for me) a waste of life.
Yeahh so basically I'm stuck on really just wanting thing to enjoy and live for. Hoping for some kinda help for me out there that I can access.
I know there isn't much though. Especially with COVID. I am completely alone... no social connections to speak of, just mental health professionals that are obligated.
Haaaa COVID has really highlighted the lack of social and otherwise connection to the world and how dif tbat makes life for me.
Gotta be 100% self sufficient/motivated/loved/needed/joy etc etc. 100% from me.... that's not very feasible in the eyes of many (including myself) but what must be done...
I don't have the energy/love/want etc... for life much anymore.
So, my plan for FOREVER has been to disconnect from all and any outside social connections.... like these people don't actually care for me. If they do it's limited and more so liability based. Which is exactly how services should be. Leaves me very empty and alone in life tho....
I dunno. Haaa I wanna die but that feels like a lot of living is involved with it so, I'm just yeah. Confused.
I'm actually exhausted this morning anyway and like... it's only the morning...
Funny enough I actually slept p. well last night....
Sooo.... yeah I just feel like at the usual cross road.
"i wanna kill myself but I don't have the means and for someeèeèe reason... It just seems like a waste of money and time to dedicate it to dying"
Somehow... even tho I KNOW life is not... so giving?
In the back of my head always has the "if I just put in the effort for life SOMETHINGS will give. I will make change in my life.
I don't feel like fuckin trying, like most of all with everything. I don't want to live a half-ass life, where I'm half alive amd half dead..... Been there, done that... it's miserable.... and (for me) a waste of life.
Yeahh so basically I'm stuck on really just wanting thing to enjoy and live for. Hoping for some kinda help for me out there that I can access.
I know there isn't much though. Especially with COVID. I am completely alone... no social connections to speak of, just mental health professionals that are obligated.
Haaaa COVID has really highlighted the lack of social and otherwise connection to the world and how dif tbat makes life for me.
Gotta be 100% self sufficient/motivated/loved/needed/joy etc etc. 100% from me.... that's not very feasible in the eyes of many (including myself) but what must be done...
I don't have the energy/love/want etc... for life much anymore.
So, my plan for FOREVER has been to disconnect from all and any outside social connections.... like these people don't actually care for me. If they do it's limited and more so liability based. Which is exactly how services should be. Leaves me very empty and alone in life tho....
I dunno. Haaa I wanna die but that feels like a lot of living is involved with it so, I'm just yeah. Confused.
