Venting Dunno if I should tell someone

[meowme0w]

I hope this doesn't break any rules as it's my first time posting

I want to die so badly right now. I thought things were okay for a bit, they weren't great, but last summer i was feeling better, i think. But once school started up again it all went down hill. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I find myself writing down plans and last messages, and whilst i'm still a little hesitant, I'm more suicidal than usual.

I always want to die, but usually it stops at that. I just want to die, I never actually plan anything. This time however I'm researching different methods and thinking of when and where I would do it, I'm just getting really tired of life now. I am however still a little hesitant...I'm honestly a coward. I wish I was brave enough to do it, but I'm a coward and my SI is too strong. I also hate pain and death scares me, which is ironic considering how much i want to die.

Anyway...I have a meeting with my school councelor tomorrow. It's not really related to my depression specifically, but I can't decide if I should tell her about how I'm feeling or not. I wish someone would notice the state I'm in, I wish someone would help me. I want help and I want to get better, but I just don't know what the point would even be....If i tell her about my thoughts and plans, I might get sent to a psychward for a bit, but then what? I doubt anything will truly change. I've tried different medications, I've seen many therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and whatever else, yet they never ever help. I have had depression for so damn long and it just never gets better. When I was 13 and fantasizing about cbt, what kept me going was the hope that with time I would heal and get better...But now I'm turning 19 and it's only gotten worse. 13 year old me was sure I would've gotten better by now, she'd be so disappointed in me.

I want to tell the councelor, I want people to notice me and pay attention to me and worry about me. I want my mom to stop calling me lazy, I want her to see I'm really struggling. But at the end of the day I don't see the point in telling anyone...It's not going to help, I'm not going to get better. It's been so long that I don't even want to try anymore. I'm tired of trying and fighting for a better life, I just want to rest. I doubt there's anything anyone could say that would change my mind, because I just don't see the point in anything. And everyone always says that you can't be helped if you don't want to help yourself, right? Well i'm tired of wanting help and trying, I've lost the want to get better, because it doesn't seem possible. Since I'm not helping myself anymore, nobody else can help me either, right? I think it's hopeless, I don't see any other option but cbt. It's either that or suffering for the rest of my life, and I don't want that, I've had enough of suffering.

Even though I don't think I can really get any better anymore, I still might tell my school councelor. For just one last time it would be nice to have people care about me...They could never truly prevent my plans anyway. I have multiple different options, I could tell them about one but not the other. They can't lock me up forever either, and they wouldn't, nobody would care that much. If i want out i'll just say I'm feeling better now, that's what worked last time even though I wasn't feeling any better. I guess there's no risk in seeking attention for my problems one last time, so I might as well?

Sorry for this dumb post, I just wanted to ramble

 

[U. A.]

Welcome, unfortunately.
Given how extremely young you are, and the level of insight into things you have (plus your own admission that human society is making you miserable) I personally think you have a good shot at winning this battle with despair.
You may or may not win the war in the end. But, given we all go in time, perhaps later could be your time rather than sooner.
Good luck.

 

[Sphinxi]

If you want to tell somebody, I think you should. It sounds like you trust your counselor, and you want help. I don't see what the harm is in telling them, even if you go to a hospital, you could just ctb the day after you get discharged

 

[glided~hydrangea]

I want to preface this by saying that I don't usually post things like this, and I'm aware that the whole premise of this site is to AVOID the broken, run-of-the-mill "hopeful" and "everything will get better" type of phrases. If someone decides they genuinely and truly want to ctb, then that's their decision and I'll wish them peace.

However, you've expressed that you really don't want to actually ctb and you DO want help, and so this is going to be supportive, because wanting help when your exhausted is different then the feelings I possess of blatant desire to ctb.

Nothing about what you wrote is dumb or embarrassing or attention-seeking in a bad way. It sounds like you've been hurting for a long time ands just so tired.
The thing that really stands out to me is that you don't actually want to die—you want the pain to stop. And that's different, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Your hesitation, fear, and the part of you that's still unsure that you expressed throughout your post doesn't make you a coward. It means there's still a part of you that wants safety, even if everything else feels pointless.
What you described is heavier than usual for you. Writing plans, researching, thinking about where and when isnt "just thoughts" anymore, and you shouldn't have to sit with that alone. I know the idea of telling your counselor is scary, especially with the fear of being locked away and nothing changing after (which unfortunately does happen to be the case for many people, you'll find that especially through on this site, but this is always typically the first step towards Recovery and the process of making your problems known and getting the attention you deserve) Your fear makes total sense. A lot of people feel burned by the system, myself included.
But telling her doesn't have to mean spilling every detail or every plan. It can be as simple as:
"Things have gotten worse. I'm having more intense suicidal thoughts and I don't feel safe with them anymore."

That's not asking for attention, but rather it's asking for help staying alive.

I also want to say something about your 13 year old self. She wouldn't be disappointed in you. She'd be heartbroken that you've been carrying this for so long without relief. Chronic depression isn't a failure of effort—it's literally an illness that is notoriously stubborn and unfair. You didn't do anything wrong by not being "better" by now.

Additionally, addressing the whole idea of "you can't be helped if you don't want to help yourself" That's not true in moments like this. Right now, you don't HAVE to want recovery. You don't have to feel hopeful. It's enough that you don't want to keep suffering and that you want someone to notice. Wanting rest doesn't mean you're beyond help.
Please just tell your counselor tomorrow. Not as a "last time." Just as this matters right now. Even if you don't believe things will change, staying alive long enough for the possibility of change still matters if you're willing to stay long enough for change.

I hope this doesn't break any rules as it's my first time posting

I want to die so badly right now. I thought things were okay for a bit, they weren't great, but last summer i was feeling better, i think. But once school started up again it all went down hill. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I find myself writing down plans and last messages, and whilst i'm still a little hesitant, I'm more suicidal than usual.

I always want to die, but usually it stops at that. I just want to die, I never actually plan anything. This time however I'm researching different methods and thinking of when and where I would do it, I'm just getting really tired of life now. I am however still a little hesitant...I'm honestly a coward. I wish I was brave enough to do it, but I'm a coward and my SI is too strong. I also hate pain and death scares me, which is ironic considering how much i want to die.

Anyway...I have a meeting with my school councelor tomorrow. It's not really related to my depression specifically, but I can't decide if I should tell her about how I'm feeling or not. I wish someone would notice the state I'm in, I wish someone would help me. I want help and I want to get better, but I just don't know what the point would even be....If i tell her about my thoughts and plans, I might get sent to a psychward for a bit, but then what? I doubt anything will truly change. I've tried different medications, I've seen many therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists and whatever else, yet they never ever help. I have had depression for so damn long and it just never gets better. When I was 13 and fantasizing about cbt, what kept me going was the hope that with time I would heal and get better...But now I'm turning 19 and it's only gotten worse. 13 year old me was sure I would've gotten better by now, she'd be so disappointed in me.

I want to tell the councelor, I want people to notice me and pay attention to me and worry about me. I want my mom to stop calling me lazy, I want her to see I'm really struggling. But at the end of the day I don't see the point in telling anyone...It's not going to help, I'm not going to get better. It's been so long that I don't even want to try anymore. I'm tired of trying and fighting for a better life, I just want to rest. I doubt there's anything anyone could say that would change my mind, because I just don't see the point in anything. And everyone always says that you can't be helped if you don't want to help yourself, right? Well i'm tired of wanting help and trying, I've lost the want to get better, because it doesn't seem possible. Since I'm not helping myself anymore, nobody else can help me either, right? I think it's hopeless, I don't see any other option but cbt. It's either that or suffering for the rest of my life, and I don't want that, I've had enough of suffering.

Even though I don't think I can really get any better anymore, I still might tell my school councelor. For just one last time it would be nice to have people care about me...They could never truly prevent my plans anyway. I have multiple different options, I could tell them about one but not the other. They can't lock me up forever either, and they wouldn't, nobody would care that much. If i want out i'll just say I'm feeling better now, that's what worked last time even though I wasn't feeling any better. I guess there's no risk in seeking attention for my problems one last time, so I might as well?

Sorry for this dumb post, I just wanted to ramble

I want to preface this by saying that I don't usually post things like this, and I'm aware that the whole premise of this site is to AVOID the broken, run-of-the-mill "hopeful" and "everything will get better" type of phrases. If someone wants to truly and genuinely ctb, that's their decision.

However, you've expressed that you really don't want to actually ctb and you DO want help, and so this is going to be supportive, because wanting help when your exhausted is different than blatant full desire to ctb, like I myself posses, for instance.

Nothing about what you wrote is dumb or embarrassing or attention-seeking in a bad way. It sounds like someone you've been hurting for a long time and youre just so tired. The thing that really stands out to me is that you don't actually want to die—you want the pain to stop. And that's different, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. The hesitation, fear, and the part of you that's still unsure, that you expressed throughout your post, doesn't make you a coward. It means there's still a part of you that wants safety, even if everything else feels pointless.
What you described is heavier than usual for you. The writing plans, researching, thinking about where and when isnt "just thoughts" anymore, and you shouldn't have to sit with that alone. I know the idea of telling your counselor is scary, especially with the fear of being locked away and nothing changing after (which unfortunately does happen to be the case for many people, as you can see especially on this site) but its important to note that this is always typically the first step towards Recovery and the process of making your problems known and getting the attention you deserve. Your fear makes total sense, and its one that myself and many others can relate to. A lot of people feel burned by the system. But telling her doesn't have to mean spilling every detail or every plan. It can be as simple as:
"Things have gotten worse. I'm having more intense suicidal thoughts and I don't feel safe with them anymore."

It's not asking or begging for attention, but rather it's literally asking for help staying alive.
Additionally, I want to say something about your 13 year old self. She wouldn't be disappointed in you. She'd be heartbroken that you've been carrying this for so long without relief. Chronic depression isn't a failure of effort—it's literally an illness that is notoriously stubborn and unfair. You didn't do anything wrong by not being "better" by now.

Moreover, addressing the whole idea of "you can't be helped if you don't want to help yourself" That's not true in moments like this. Right now, you don't HAVE to want recovery. You don't HAVE to feel hopeful. It's enough that you don't want to keep suffering and that you want someone to notice. Wanting rest doesn't mean you're beyond help.
Please tell your counselor tomorrow. Not as a "last time." More just like a, "This matters right now." Even if you don't believe things will change, staying alive long enough for the possibility of change still matters if you're willing to stay long enough for change to happen.

 

[meowme0w]

Welcome, unfortunately.
Given how extremely young you are, and the level of insight into things you have (plus your own admission that human society is making you miserable) I personally think you have a good shot at winning this battle with despair.
You may or may not win the war in the end. But, given we all go in time, perhaps later could be your time rather than sooner.
Good luck.

Thanks, I really hope you're right. I know I'm still young and maybe life could still have something for me, I sure hope it does, but it's getting harder by each passing year. I wish I could just finish my studies already, maybe work life would be different. I hear that a lot. Pushing through school is so damn tough though, but I definitely won't have a future if I drop out now...siighhh this life ain't easy

 

[vitbar]

If you want someone to notice, but nobody has, then tell someone. It took me decades to finally reach out for help, and I regret not doing it sooner. I'm not cured, and I have bad days, but I genuinely like living again because of the help I got. It's worth a chance anyway.