Venting Dumped on Christmas, meaningless fucked up life

[disillusionment]

Got dumped by my bf on Christmas. He told me to shut the fuck up, got in my face yelling at the top of his lungs calling me stupid bitch and piece of shit and stuff like that. Honestly it's the last fucking straw for me and even if he came back to apologize I would rather die than spend another minute with him after he treated me like that and has treated me like shit for much of our relationship. I feel so done like who the fuck comes into MY apartment on Christmas day and tells me to shut the fuck up, calls me a stupid bitch and yells in my face. He scared my poor cat.

My own mother wouldn't visit me for Christmas. She abandoned me when I was two but my stupid self always wanted a relationship with my mother so I gave up everything to move to another province to live with her when I was a teen. Lost my friends, family, everything, for her. I mean, it was a choice between continuing to live with my pedophile father who sexually abused my sister, or live with my mom, so I decided to move to be with her. And then she kicks me out and moves far enough away that I barely get to see her and can't even see her for Christmas. Like my own mother does not prioritize me and just always puts whatever boyfriend she has at the time ahead of me. My sister died a couple months ago and I'm still kinda mad bc my mom didn't talk to my sister for four years. Like she just cuts her own children off so callously.

My father is probably a pedophile and was accused of sexually abusing my sister. But I've never been able to cut my father or mother out of my life. No matter how crappy they are I always tend to just forget and want to have a relationship with them anyway and pretend that they care about me or whatever. Bc if I cut off my relationships with both parents I'd be totally alone and that terrifies me. I feel like if I'm all alone something bad will happen to me. I always feel like its better to just push my feelings aside and pretend. All I ever wanted was just at least one loving parent relationship. So I would always overlook what a pervert and emotionally abusive person my father is and instead paint a new image of him in my head. And now I do the same thing with my romantic relationships. Ignore the glaring issues, ignore how I feel, deny my own feelings. I'm so out of touch with myself and my own thoughts and feelings, my own desires etc bc I grew up always having to hide my feelings and go along with things that were really fucked up. My ex bf is the same honestly like I just ignored my feelings and the glaring problems. This is some sort of cycle I cant seem to get out of. I grew up with my father always making gross sexual jokes and comments around me, always saying women need to do this or that sexually, women basically just exist to sexually please men, Like I'd be eating cereal at the table for breakfast and my dad would tell me I need to swallow semen for guys and I need to do this or that for guys even if I don't want to like have anal sex even if I hate it. Like what the FUCK. That's not how you talk to your daughter especially eating fucking cereal and how about you don't program your daughter to feel like she has no right to decide what she wants to do and doesn't want to do with her body and she just exists to please a man. I grew up feeling weird about sex bc my perverted dad would always make these comments and perv out about every woman even tho he had a longterm gf. Always checking out womens bodies and making comments, one time he accused me of stealing his sex toys when I didn't, and he'd admire my butt and stuff. he kept porn magazines in the bathroom for me to see. Growing up I didn't even know my sexuality yet and he's already telling me I need to do this and that for men. Honestly a lot of this stuff I try to block out and sometimes my brain tells me it wasn't even messed up bc I don't know what is normal honestly.

My ex bf makes me feel slimy bc all he ever does is beg for sex and talk about sex, he only does things and spends time with me in hopes of getting sex, he coerces me, he gets me drunk in hopes I'll do things sexually that I told him I don't like, he makes sex into something devoid of romance and it feels transactional like he's only doing this in hopes of getting that. Maybe that's just how it is with relationships but due to my trauma I feel more and more asexual and repulsed bc I keep having flashbacks and keep feeling like I'm a sexual object or something and I end up thinking of my dad and his comments. Also on birth control and have PCOS which adds to the lack of sexual interest.

Christmas is so fucking triggering for me because my father would always get me so many nice presents for Christmas as a kid and play with the new toys and games with me and it made me happy but on the other hand he'd abuse me and make me feel like crap. And now that I'm older he still buys me nice gifts and I feel cared for bc my Mom makes no effort. But I feel kinda sick inside on Christmas opening his presents. It's not really about the materialistic things it's more about just feeling like my parents care about me and I grew up equating Christmas presents with that. So my brain is like wow my father cares about me and loves me but then I have flashbacks about all the bad stuff. My brain wants to just pretend it never happened and imagine that he is a different type of father than how he really is.

I have way too many mental problems that would probably take years of therapy to fix but I can't really afford therapy and I think it's fucked that I have to work to pay for therapy to fix the trauma from my parents when I never asked to be born in the first place. And let's say I do go to therapy for years and spend tons of money and time on it and fix some of my problems. Then what?? Like for what? I don't even have a purpose in life or an attainable desire for anything. Start a family?? Ew no. I'm becoming more and more asexual and I don't really understand why people like relationships. Never was a very romantic person and never understood things like sex and love (honestly just realizing now how much I don't even know what love really is or what sexual attraction is. It's rough going your whole life like that). I feel like those things might not change even if I do go to therapy for years and years. Yet, let's say I stay single forever, yay I get to be alone all the time and die all alone. Why wait and suffer just to watch as everyone I love dies, and then die all alone??!

 

[absoluteanimal1]

I'm sorry that happened to you, he sounds awful.

 

[filthyrottendirty]

Jesus Christ

 

[FuneralCry]

Some people are just so cruel, no one should have to be treated like that. Life is just so horrible. I wish you the best.

 

[disillusionment]

Being perfectly honest, I tend not to bother reading such long posts.

However, wanting to CTB because someone ended it with you is no real justification for CTB.

Ok well in my post I wasn't really saying I wanted to CTB due to the breakup, if you read it you would know that my reason to CTB is not merely due to the breakup. So yeah I dont know why you bother to respond in a judgmental way if you didn't read. Honestly anything can be a real justification for CTB tho.

I'm sorry that happened to you, he sounds awful.

Thank you. Yeah honestly we're both awful for each other. Hopefully now if we're apart we can at least work on our own issues separately or at least not drag each other down further.

Some people are just so cruel, no one should have to be treated like that. Life is just so horrible. I wish you the best.

Yeah, it's a very very cruel fucked up world. Thank you, I wish you the best as well.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Being perfectly honest, I tend not to bother reading such long posts.

However, wanting to CTB because someone ended it with you is no real justification for CTB.

Fuck them x.

Maybe skim the post, and don't invalidate peoples reasons to CTB if you don't read the post, or indeed ever really. Just because not seeing a person's reasons to CTB doesn't mean it's not valid, whether someone reads a post or not, and just because sometimes it's different to the way some might think doesn't mean I can't empathise enough to see how someone might feel that way. Trauma does all kinds of stuff to people. I don't feel like arguing about it tonight, though, and yeah, that means it happens far too often on the forum for all kinds of ctb reasons. So half of this is just a generic copy & paste, don't invalidate people's reasons to ctb statement.

OP, I'm really sorry for all of that, that you've had to go through. You should definitely dump that guy, and try to get help for the symptoms! I'm trying to do that as well.

 

[disillusionment]

Maybe skim the post, and don't invalidate peoples reasons to CTB if you don't read the post, or indeed ever really. I don't feel like arguing about it tonight, though.

OP, I'm really sorry for all of that, that you've had to go through. You should definitely dump that guy, and try to get help for the symptoms! I'm trying to do that as well.

Yeah exactly. Honestly I didn't think people would read it all, was just venting with a long ass post because I am depressed and drunk and feel like I cant vent anywhere and have to hide everything I feel. Then I end up living in lalaland pretending everythings fine until it all comes out. I'm very "if I can't see it right now it no longer exists" with trauma and problems but then it all hits me at once and I explode.

Thank you. Honestly for a long time I avoided breaking up with him and would accept his apologies and forget what he did bc I was terrified of being alone and feeling abandoned etc. But I feel like yesterday was when I realized I've had enough and I'd rather be alone. This toxic relationship stuff is definitely a cycle I need to stop repeating if I'm not gonna CTB but not sure yet. In the meantime better to be alone

Has anything worked for your symptoms so far? I was trying CBT but did not like it (it's free so I tried it).

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I read all of it quickly, I saw some replies and so I took the time, I can skim pretty fast. I'm not being treated myself yet. It's bank holidays too. I recently went to A&E to reach out and get help. Instead of making a suicide attempt. I posted about a drug I want to try as well as a way how to tell health staff/people you're suicidal without being judged too much if you're interested in those just check my recent post history or something :)

This place is good for venting, in general. You might suffer from the same thing as me, partially avoiding actual breakups, accepting apologies(wait you get those?), and forgetting and being nice to him are all outcomes of the symptoms of the same thing I'm trying to get diagnosed for.

I will attempt CBT for sure but it might not be that helpful for me. I already know right from wrong, and my rational thinking is imo somewhat decent. It's the feelings / symptoms that I really struggle with. Medication is what I want to risk trying.

 

[rationalis]

I am sorry, and can't comprehend even here people criticize venting.

I think venting is the super majority purpose of this forum.

 

[disillusionment]

I read all of it quickly, I saw some replies and so I took the time, I can skim pretty fast. I'm not being treated myself yet. It's bank holidays too. I recently went to A&E to reach out and get help. Instead of making a suicide attempt. I posted about a drug I want to try as well as a way how to tell health staff/people you're suicidal without being judged too much if you're interested in those just check my recent post history or something :)

This place is good for venting, in general. You might suffer from the same thing as me, partially avoiding actual breakups, accepting apologies(wait you get those?), and forgetting and being nice to him are all outcomes of the symptoms of the same thing I'm trying to get diagnosed for.

I will attempt CBT for sure but it might not be that helpful for me. I already know right from wrong, and my rational thinking is imo somewhat decent. It's the feelings / symptoms that I really struggle with. Medication is what I want to risk trying.

I'll check it out, I'm very scared to tell professionals how I feel and scared to talk to them in general bc I might let it slip that I'm suicidal by accident. Sometimes I randomly just say I wish I were dead or I wanna die just casually to myself like it just comes out of my mouth so I feel like it could slip out accidentally so I avoid professionals. I wish I could tell a professional how I REALLY feel and not lie but I understand why I can't tell them that.

Yeah I get apologies sometimes lol but yeah I tend to instantly forget. Even like with my sister that passed away, I haven't grieved much lately because I just forget she died but then I remember she's gone and the feelings come back so I try to avoid thinking about it and just forget. Probably not a good coping mechanism.

Maybe I have BPD but I'm unsure bc C-PTSD seems to be very similar so not sure which one I have. Diagnosed with other stuff before but that was ages ago. A lot of mental and personality disorders seem so similar.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'll check it out, I'm very scared to tell professionals how I feel and scared to talk to them in general bc I might let it slip that I'm suicidal by accident. Sometimes I randomly just say I wish I were dead or I wanna die just casually to myself like it just comes out of my mouth so I feel like it could slip out accidentally so I avoid professionals. I wish I could tell a professional how I REALLY feel and not lie but I understand why I can't tell them that.

Yeah I get apologies sometimes lol but yeah I tend to instantly forget. Even like with my sister that passed away, I haven't grieved much lately because I just forget she died but then I remember she's gone and the feelings come back so I try to avoid thinking about it and just forget. Probably not a good coping mechanism.

Maybe I have BPD but I'm unsure bc C-PTSD seems to be very similar so not sure which one I have. Diagnosed with other stuff before but that was ages ago. A lot of mental and personality disorders seem so similar.

You're definitely not the first person to say BPD and CPTSD seems similar. And yeah, a lot do seem similar.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

My previous post got deleted.

The mod thought I was invalidating your reasoning for wanting to CTB.

This wasn't the case. I was simply trying to support you, in saying that ending your life because someone left you is a sad thing.

I hope you never found offence in my previous comment, and I wish you well.

Maybe skim the post, and don't invalidate peoples reasons to CTB if you don't read the post, or indeed ever really. Just because not seeing a person's reasons to CTB doesn't mean it's not valid, whether someone reads a post or not, and just because sometimes it's different to the way some might think doesn't mean I can't empathise enough to see how someone might feel that way. Trauma does all kinds of stuff to people. I don't feel like arguing about it tonight, though, and yeah, that means it happens far too often on the forum for all kinds of ctb reasons. So half of this is just a generic copy & paste, don't invalidate people's reasons to ctb statement.

OP, I'm really sorry for all of that, that you've had to go through. You should definitely dump that guy, and try to get help for the symptoms! I'm trying to do that as well.

"You should definitely dump that guy, and try to get help for the symptoms!"

You said the same thing as me, but merely in a different way.

The fella is not worth her ending her life, that was my point.

Sometimes you have to slow down, and read between the lines.

Why do you think I ended my comment with a plutonic, supportive x?