Venting dumb selfish shit

[sage]

so, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me recently which caused a huge spike in suicidal behavior. i figured it was just because i lost him, ive always been suicidal so it was normal and didnt seem weird to me..

but i just realized today that it wasnt because i didnt want to live in a world without him, it was because i want him to love me again. people always idealize and love the dead, and im willing to die just to have his love back, even if i never get to recieve it, and even if it hurts him.

now that i know im that shitty of a person, i dont know if i can go through with my plan. i still really want to, but it feels like i dont deserve to ctb anymore. like i dont deserve to have my eternal peace or to be mourned.

 

[GeorgeJL]

You need to grow up.

If you want to mature psychologically I strongly urge you to check out this youtube channel.

Academy of Ideas

We create videos explaining the ideas of history's great thinkers. We do this to help supply the world with more knowledge, to empower the individual, and to...

www.youtube.com

Take your time, don't rush it. Contemplate the ideas over time. Otherwise it will just fly over your head.

 

[Slate128]

It's not selfish to want to be loved. I actually think you're really empathetic because you're thinking about how ctb would make him feel. Of course you can still decide where your life goes from here, it's not like you're any less of a human. I won't push you one way or the other, but I agree with GeorgeJL in that you should take some time before deciding.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I actually think you're really empathetic because you're thinking about how ctb would make him feel.

That is kind of twisted way of looking at it. I know your probably trying to lighten up the situation, but OP needs to know the truth. So to that end I would say that sage needs to understand that if it's love that she wants she can get it from someone else. And to CTB to make him love her again is missing the point that he will also think she's mentally ill, thus nullifying the idea that he should have stayed with her to begin with. Meaning it's not the type of love that she wants in a relationship that she will get out of him. It's a selfish type of love that is centered around her at the expense of others.

To Sage I would say that there is hope. We can grow psychologically. We can overcome. You are not a victim of your thoughts and emotions. The key would be to seek help and believe that you can figure it out. There are great realizations to be gained in our psychological growth. You have already made so much growth getting to where you are at today.

 

[stillwoozy]

I'd urge you to think over if you really want death, or if you just want love.
There is no "wrong" reason to ctb, but it sounds like death isn't what you really want.
Give it time. You can only ctb once.

 

[Jolene40]

so, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me recently which caused a huge spike in suicidal behavior. i figured it was just because i lost him, ive always been suicidal so it was normal and didnt seem weird to me..

but i just realized today that it wasnt because i didnt want to live in a world without him, it was because i want him to love me again. people always idealize and love the dead, and im willing to die just to have his love back, even if i never get to recieve it, and even if it hurts him.

now that i know im that shitty of a person, i dont know if i can go through with my plan. i still really want to, but it feels like i dont deserve to ctb anymore. like i dont deserve to have my eternal peace or to be mourned.

Everyone says it but the truth is you will get over this and can love and be loved again. I know you've felt suicidal anyway but you are grieving. Ending it won't make this person love you. If you weren't grieving you may think more rationally and not wish to ctb. You are not a shitty person. That's the depression and grief talking. Rejection is so utterly painful for so many. The more unwell I've become the more painful any firm of rejection is. Hope you have loved ones around you xx

 

[Saga]

so, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me recently which caused a huge spike in suicidal behavior. i figured it was just because i lost him, ive always been suicidal so it was normal and didnt seem weird to me..

but i just realized today that it wasnt because i didnt want to live in a world without him, it was because i want him to love me again. people always idealize and love the dead, and im willing to die just to have his love back, even if i never get to recieve it, and even if it hurts him.

now that i know im that shitty of a person, i dont know if i can go through with my plan. i still really want to, but it feels like i dont deserve to ctb anymore. like i dont deserve to have my eternal peace or to be mourned.

This might be an old post,,but I can totally relate to what you feel, being in a limbo between ctb'ing and holding on to what you havent got but still fight for it...mine was 10months he promised me the world I fucked it all up because of my bpd now every day that i wake up I wish I didnt

 

[ThriveOrDie]

so, my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me recently which caused a huge spike in suicidal behavior. i figured it was just because i lost him, ive always been suicidal so it was normal and didnt seem weird to me..

but i just realized today that it wasnt because i didnt want to live in a world without him, it was because i want him to love me again. people always idealize and love the dead, and im willing to die just to have his love back, even if i never get to recieve it, and even if it hurts him.

now that i know im that shitty of a person, i dont know if i can go through with my plan. i still really want to, but it feels like i dont deserve to ctb anymore. like i dont deserve to have my eternal peace or to be mourned.

CTB will not make him love you again. Especially if he is a person who doesn't understand what it is like to be suicidal. He will probably feel a lot of guilt over breaking up with you and anger towards you for being "selfish".