Story Driven to desperate measures

[situationalsui]

Hello to all. I'm new here though I've been reading through posts for a while. I'm currently planning my methods to ctb sometime this spring, or whenever the agony of my situation all but eliminates my SI. I'm ready to go due to a tragic, terrifying, inescapable situation I found myself in about a year and a half ago. In short, I have endured horrible abuse over the last year and a half, after spending seven highly anxious years serving a cult. For various reasons I have very little to no means at my disposal to escape their persecution and cruelty. I see my suicide as "situational", a term I came across which means that I'm here because I want to avoid a much worse fate, which is comparable to quite literal torture. Sorry for being so heavy. Evil does exist in this world and it can drive one to suicide.

At the moment I'm considering three methods: jumping, drowning and opioid/heroin overdose, or hopefully combining the latter with one of the first two to help with the terror of SI. The first two scare me very much, and the third one seems complicated, plus I am generally squeamish with needles and would need to practice. But careful planning seems to be where it's at. I am about to trek downtown to my city centre to wander around some overdose prevention sites/safe injection sites to see if I can find someone who looks like they might direct me to a dealer. This alone freaks me out because the hardest drug I've ever done is weed. I'm so emotionally fraught and anxious/beaten down and exhausted that I feel I have very little resilience in me to try to source and accumulate/become familiar with the drug. But I'm going to try. For various reasons I can't use the dark web, which I realize would be preferable.

In the meantime I am just looking to find support in my final weeks/months as I am completely isolated and quite terrorized by my former associates. Unfortunately involving law enforcement just isn't an option and relocating won't help, so for this and a few other deeply tragic factors, I'm aiming to complete my life on my own terms in order to escape. My CPTSD is through the roof and I already suffered from lifelong bipolar and BPD traits. I love life, so the whole thing sucks immensely.

I know jumping and drowning are pretty desperate measures but I don't have the privacy or safety for SN, nor was it easily available where I am last I checked.

Thanks for listening and hope to see you around on here.

 

[stoopid]

Hello, your time was hard but you're here, welcome you get the support you desire, whatever your choice is. That cult thing is a pretty hard pill to swallow, so I'm not very sure what I could say or ask.

But we are all here if you need any kind of help or support or someone to listen/speak to. At times I want to slice myself up I tend to get very communicative and times I don't even speak 1 word the whole day. Whatever.

 

[ikadasui]

No need to disclose if you don't want to ofc, but I'm curious as to what this cult does? Is it just like a drug den or more religious stuff? Hope you can find respite here at the very least in some way

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so incredibly horrific what you have to endure, I think that this shows that this world certainly is hell, and it disgusts me how so much endless torture exists here. But anyway, I wish you the best.