EternalShore
Hardworking Lass who Dreams of Love~ 💕✨
- Jun 9, 2023
- 1,774
so this Sunday, my mom is hosting a Christmas party~ as such, she's been redecorating the whole house for it~ while her messing with my stuff like that is annoying as heck, it just puts me in a bad mood mostly~
however, ugh, the party... going to have to hear my dead name for 3 hours straight and be forced to crossdress more isn't going to be fun at all~ >_<
but well, all that is manageable ig...
what's not manageable tho is who is coming over~ supposedly, 1 person I was friends with from 4th grade before gradually shifting into becoming a "friend" in HS before disappearing after might come... also, some person who let me sit at her lunch table for a bit is too~ I honestly forget whether I left her table willingly, was forced to, or never left her table, but lunch in HS for me was awful anyways, and despite what my parents said, she was not a "friend"~
making friends is already hard enough~ everyone's basically just trash who betrays and leaves me eventually anyways~
the reason why I bring this up tho is that it's going to be a bunch of 50 and 60 year olds and these people~
I want to disappear from all recollection and be forgotten forever~ that is not me~ I am not my job or my college regardless of how little you care about anything else~ And frankly, I don't want to talk about anything more with you anyways! :p and well, don't talk about that either... it bodes terribly... don't talk about something you don't know that you'll have anything to show for in the end... Then, it's just embarrassing~ but urgh~ my parents~ :/ or rather, my mom~ they talk about me all the freaking time, and it's like~ plssss stop~ I never asked for this...That's not even me~ That's my dead name, and I don't want to explain it to anyone~ yet with you taunting me about hosting more of these parties, I'm suddenly going to exist as something more than a distant, neglected memory and be a present, mistreated memory~
but the thing is~ I don't want that either~ I want friends, but I can't do that now... I must pass first~ No one is accepting here~ I can't risk it~ and well, anyone who is "accepting" proves they're not to me~ well, at least, I think... maybe things could've been better, but they weren't and won't ever be~
but the thing is I don't want that... I want to be a kid again with all my old friends from 5th grade back, being the one who hosted the parties... and people actually wanted to do fun things back then~ now, the most fun you can have is video games but never the ones I wanted to play past then~ but well, I can't meet those people again~ I never changed, but they did, and they left me~ and well, now, ig, I have, but have I really? I never really fit in with guys in the first place~
I can't tell my parents this but like... I can't go meet someone, and I can't certainly see anyonefrom my past in my current state~ they'll so use that... I hope we can have fun as kids again in Heaven~ things weren't poisoned~ :(((((
however, ugh, the party... going to have to hear my dead name for 3 hours straight and be forced to crossdress more isn't going to be fun at all~ >_<
but well, all that is manageable ig...
what's not manageable tho is who is coming over~ supposedly, 1 person I was friends with from 4th grade before gradually shifting into becoming a "friend" in HS before disappearing after might come... also, some person who let me sit at her lunch table for a bit is too~ I honestly forget whether I left her table willingly, was forced to, or never left her table, but lunch in HS for me was awful anyways, and despite what my parents said, she was not a "friend"~
making friends is already hard enough~ everyone's basically just trash who betrays and leaves me eventually anyways~
the reason why I bring this up tho is that it's going to be a bunch of 50 and 60 year olds and these people~
I want to disappear from all recollection and be forgotten forever~ that is not me~ I am not my job or my college regardless of how little you care about anything else~ And frankly, I don't want to talk about anything more with you anyways! :p and well, don't talk about that either... it bodes terribly... don't talk about something you don't know that you'll have anything to show for in the end... Then, it's just embarrassing~ but urgh~ my parents~ :/ or rather, my mom~ they talk about me all the freaking time, and it's like~ plssss stop~ I never asked for this...That's not even me~ That's my dead name, and I don't want to explain it to anyone~ yet with you taunting me about hosting more of these parties, I'm suddenly going to exist as something more than a distant, neglected memory and be a present, mistreated memory~
but the thing is~ I don't want that either~ I want friends, but I can't do that now... I must pass first~ No one is accepting here~ I can't risk it~ and well, anyone who is "accepting" proves they're not to me~ well, at least, I think... maybe things could've been better, but they weren't and won't ever be~
but the thing is I don't want that... I want to be a kid again with all my old friends from 5th grade back, being the one who hosted the parties... and people actually wanted to do fun things back then~ now, the most fun you can have is video games but never the ones I wanted to play past then~ but well, I can't meet those people again~ I never changed, but they did, and they left me~ and well, now, ig, I have, but have I really? I never really fit in with guys in the first place~
I can't tell my parents this but like... I can't go meet someone, and I can't certainly see anyonefrom my past in my current state~ they'll so use that... I hope we can have fun as kids again in Heaven~ things weren't poisoned~ :(((((
