Venting Dragging out the inevitable

[idontevenknowanymore]

I'm 99% sure that one day I will die by suicide.
I've had mental issues for years now, can't remember who I was before and who I'm supposed to be now. Small things trigger my anxiety, my body is scarred for life from self harm, obesity and smoking and I'm only 21.
I don't have major health issues yet, nothing that's irreversible at least and I guess my age is a big factor why I'm still physically "healthy".
Still, I don't see a point. I don't know who I am without my depression, my constant anxiety, urge to selfharm and binges and I'm scared sh*tless to find out.

My boyfriend told me he thinks suicide is selfish. But isn't it selfish to force suicidal people to live on in pain and misery? That's my opinion at least but mentally healthy people don't get it, do they?
So he (and partly my family but f*ck them tbh) is the only one that's keeping me here because I'm scared of hurting him. But in all honesty, I'm just dragging out what's destined to happen; CTB.
Medication isn't working, psych wards don't help (not long term at least) and therapy is basically me lying to myself for 45 minutes a week because I'm too embarrassed to open up.
I hate that I can't go through with it. I want this hell to be over but I don't know how I could ever really do it.

Also, funny thing, if you never tried to CTB, like myself, your suicidal thoughts, plans and intentions don't seem to be important enough to receive help for it. In my experience it gets shoved to the back and the stuff that stresses and hurts me the least seems to be number one priority.

Thanks for coming to my rant. I just don't know what to do and have absolutely no one in my life who would understand what I feel.

 

[Panna]

I agree whole heartedly its far more selfish to force a person to stay alive when they truly don't want to. Overall between the two people, the one that wants to die will suffer far more in the long run. That being said, in your case at least he is important enough to you in delaying your plans if only for a bit. Mainly I really just liked your last bit, even if you have family or friends no one but ourselves truly understands what we go through. Its just waiting until something clicks in the brain to make us go over the edge, which is pretty depressing if you think about it. I'd think that as long as youre living unhealthily and maybe if you went with it a step further, (not being treated) it would move things forward without any action on your part.

 

[idontevenknowanymore]

I agree whole heartedly its far more selfish to force a person to stay alive when they truly don't want to. Overall between the two people, the one that wants to die will suffer far more in the long run. That being said, in your case at least he is important enough to you in delaying your plans if only for a bit. Mainly I really just liked your last bit, even if you have family or friends no one but ourselves truly understands what we go through. Its just waiting until something clicks in the brain to make us go over the edge, which is pretty depressing if you think about it. I'd think that as long as youre living unhealthily and maybe if you went with it a step further, (not being treated) it would move things forward without any action on your part.

I actually never thought about it like that but you're probably right. Might give it a shot and let myself out of this back and forth. Can't do it anymore

 

[whywere]

Hi! ss global family member. I truly feel for you and my heat aches for you. I have 2 suicide attempts and have a pretty good idea of your situation. I have ZERO family and no friends so theonly people who "care" are the psych people. I am 100% likwe you as far as if i open up to the psych folks, then I am afraid that I will get locked up AGAIN. I have had 2 long stays in the psych ward and I hated it.I understand how you feel and what it takes to face each and every day. Please remember that the ss global faimly members are here to help. I truly care about you and please remember that you are a smart, loving person that brings so much to everyday life. Love and peace to you!!

 

[idontevenknowanymore]

Hi! ss global family member. I truly feel for you and my heat aches for you. I have 2 suicide attempts and have a pretty good idea of your situation. I have ZERO family and no friends so theonly people who "care" are the psych people. I am 100% likwe you as far as if i open up to the psych folks, then I am afraid that I will get locked up AGAIN. I have had 2 long stays in the psych ward and I hated it.I understand how you feel and what it takes to face each and every day. Please remember that the ss global faimly members are here to help. I truly care about you and please remember that you are a smart, loving person that brings so much to everyday life. Love and peace to you!!

I'm sorry you went/are going through this. I've had horrible experiences with psych wards as well, really sad because when I went there I was hopeful and wanted the help. But after the last one, there's no way I'm going to another one.
Also thanks for the kind words!