Venting Downward Spiral of Bad Luck and Decisions

[AbyssalAlien]

Hello. I am new here, but I been reading your threads off-account. I am posting this thread because I want to share why I am contemplating ctb again. I wish I wasn't, as I was from 12 to 27 contemplating it. 29 now and it came back with vengeance. This time its a combination of old reasons with new ones that sprung up this year that have been out of my control. I just want to share what has been happening as of late, and I fear it will only get worse. Do you believe in curses? I believe them nowadays.

This year I got injured with a inginual hernia, which has made exercising impossible without increasing damage. Went to the ER twice for it, never got a resolution, just crappy painkillers that wreck my stomach, and got billed for both since my insurance refused to cover it without meeting a deductible. Talked to a doctor for surgery, got ghosted, so all that lab testing and imaging was for nothing and I got billed for those too. I also had 2 more ER visits close to those, both involving a reaction of some kind. I suspect I have grown an allergy towards cannabis. But ER detected nothing cause they do not have an allergy panel for cannabis, so they called it anxiety and irritable bowels before sending me away and billing me for those too, one of them involving an ambulance since I was having fainting spells....like the blood in my body left somewhere and I could not stand up, lost my hearing temporarily and vision blurred. Then I got rear ended later on. Had to go to the hospital. Was blamed for it by my insurance, which an attorney told me they did that cause its easier for a liability insurance to roll over rather than fight it. Expecting a bill for those too, already got car repaired and insurance changed.

Pass these points I been starting to do unhealthy coping mechanisms. Cigarettes, alcohol, and cannabis even though it still causes minor reactions to my heart. Still dont know if its an allergy, triee claritan and antihistamine inhaler, makes a subtle difference. And I dont plan to go to the ER again, someone will have to drag me there if I get a heart attack. Reason I say heart attack is because whatever this reaction is, it targets my heart, and it isnt anxiety cause the other substances like caffeine are not doing that to me.

Currently got called for jury duty. I will be ignoring it cause I cannot afford to miss work until I pay these bills off. I switched to a better health insurance and got approved for surgery, but there is still a copay.

Socially wise? Outcasted. Physically and financially burdened seems to really turn even family members off. Making friends isnt possible right now, I have a lot of melancholy and I believe people can sense that. Current "friends" are ghosting.

Besides the jury duty being a current obstacle, Had a tiny fish bone stab my gum between two molars. Got it out. But I suspect I caught an infection cause a spot on my jaw right underneath that tooth began to hurt. So now I have to also shop for dental insurance, find a dentist that wont try to scam me like several others (very long story), all while paying everything else.

Whether I pay these bills or decide to ignore them, I plan to get a motorcycle and one night just ride that thing into my death without anyone else involved. I could declare bankruptcy. But I assume that means I will never get out of the hole I am in that took only two months to create. And with things continously going wrong, even if I manage to get out, the universe will punish me again through strokes of bad luck.

Not looking for pity. Not looking for a quick fix. There just really isnt any other place I can express my troubles without being banned in a chat or forum, and a therapist will just 5150 me again, and no way can I afford that financially. Looking for a second job as well...having a lot of trouble with that too.

Currently trying some other herbs I can grow for anti inflammatories and antihistamines to see if it works for whatever this reaction to THC is, while desensitizing. I have told my doctors about the heart reaction, but of course, "You're too young for heart attacks" lol, we'll see.

Paid off 2 bills so far. But I definitely, don't really care if I die these days. If I am not rich, nothing about me matters, not even my health.

Thanks for reading. Its a pathetic story. But thanks anyway.

 

[BlackEyedDog]

You have been through a lot, and our for-profit healthcare system should really be called wealthcare as a doctor i once knew sarcastically stated. It sends many people who get sick into debt slavery. Fainting spells are not a good sign and may be related to heart health. I wish you could get proper diagnosis and care.

 

[Calliandras]

I'm rly Sorry to hear that AbyssalAlien, my heart is with you in these difficult times.
The subject of bad Luck/curses always troubled me. I've always considered myself a rly unlucky person, though the things that happen to me are much much smaller than your cases. It Just seems too much to be Just coincidences, you know? Maybe the universe Just chooses some people to dunk all bad things on and spare others? Idk.

 

[rhiino]

You're too young for heart attacks

Yeah, I know those stupid lines, you are too young for this and that. Any health problem has been inflicted on people of any age. Even babies or children can get stuff like arthrosis or heart attacks. The age should never be an exclusion criterion for anything.

Is there any way to decline the jury duty duly? It sucks very much. There are people that just cannot afford such a duty. I guess you do not get your missed work payed?

I consider myself also very unlucky. It is crazy sometimes how unlucky coincidences that are completely out of my control happen. I am already convinced that the universe or the guy controlling all this just likes to dump it all on special people that are pretty much cursed.

I have to add, that while I am from Germany and politicians here always brag how great our healthcare system is and how the rest of the world envy us for it, in reality it is the same trash, just with a different payer. The doctors are trash and just want to make money, that is why they chose their profession. As the public health insurance does not pay much but very little they try to get rid of you as quickly as possible and bill the insurance. I cannot count how often I had further questions but the doctor just urged to the door. In those situations, with the doorknob in their hands, they most of the time allow one single question and then they are gone. They have no respect for the patient.

 

[AbyssalAlien]

Yeah, I know those stupid lines, you are too young for this and that. Any health problem has been inflicted on people of any age. Even babies or children can get stuff like arthrosis or heart attacks. The age should never be an exclusion criterion for anything.

Is there any way to decline the jury duty duly? It sucks very much. There are people that just cannot afford such a duty. I guess you do not get your missed work payed?

I consider myself also very unlucky. It is crazy sometimes how unlucky coincidences that are completely out of my control happen. I am already convinced that the universe or the guy controlling all this just likes to dump it all on special people that are pretty much cursed.

I have to add, that while I am from Germany and politicians here always brag how great our healthcare system is and how the rest of the world envy us for it, in reality it is the same trash, just with a different payer. The doctors are trash and just want to make money, that is why they chose their profession. As the public health insurance does not pay much but very little they try to get rid of you as quickly as possible and bill the insurance. I cannot count how often I had further questions but the doctor just urged to the door. In those situations, with the doorknob in their hands, they most of the time allow one single question and then they are gone. They have no respect for the patient.

Asking my job first if jury duty is covered. If not, I will just tell jury duty that I cannot go due to financial hardship. If they make me go, I will show my bias towards law enforcement and make very difficult to keep me as a juror.

 

[rhiino]

@AbyssalAlien That sounds like a good plan actually. Hope it works.