SimpleLivingThing
Member
- May 30, 2025
- 10
so i just had a long conversation with my best friend (referred to here as Z) and i have a lot of thoughts and feelings. for a while, ive felt like they are the only person that really cared about me. and recently, ive felt more and more left behind. so i typed out a whole message detailing how i was feeling (minus the desire to ctb) and why. and i was really careful to word it to ensure that i wouldn't hurt them but also could say what i wanted to say. when they finally read it, they said "i think we need to talk." and scheduled a time to meet up (the same meet up that just ended).
the main thing that i expressed in my original message was that i felt abandoned. Z replied that they felt like they did a lot for me, which kind of hurt. when i asked for examples of what they did for me, they said 1) they try to visit me every time they're in town (they live in another city, about 2 hours away) and 2) they always answer my texts (barring recently because their mental health has been poor). to me, this feels like kind of the bare minimum, but also i understand that mental health and other circumstances can make these harder for some people. i guess that's part of why it's so hard, i completely understand why things are the way they are. but it isn't enough. but at the same time, there isn't really a solution, there isn't a way for both of us to get what we need.
part of my message towards the end was maybe a bit too honest, i basically said that Z was the last person I felt really cared about me, and lately I felt like even they were distant. i felt like i was actually alone. Z said this part in particular gave them a ptsd reaction (idk exactly what that entailed for them, but still) which made me feel awful. they then brought up that they were about to go on a trip, and the last time they went on a trip, i attempted (which is unrelated as far as i know, but still). so at this point im trying to keep cool because i think they've figured it out. and then they say "I just don't want to lose you" and I swear the sound of that will haunt me.
and i realized that this is exactly what i wanted to get out of sending that message; i wanted to see them again before they went abroad and i wanted someone to reach out and see that im struggling. and i feel fucking awful because that's so shitty and manipulative of me. and also it didn't even solve the issue. i thought that knowing that someone cared about me would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse.
because there isn't a solution. this issue can't be fixed. and that's part of why i want (wanted?) to ctb, because from a purely practical standpoint, i feel immensely lonely at no fault to anyone, and there isn't a solution that i feel capable of enacting besides ctb.
there were so many things i wanted to tell Z. i wanted to say that it felt like there wasn't a way to solve this. that i feel like, at this point, it just isn't meant to be anymore. that i feel like im holding onto a shell of the past just because i cant bear to lose this, even though i know i already have. i wanted to tell them that their reaction to that message is exactly why i feel like i cant tell them about this, that if a message that took me that much time and effort to get right was triggering, what would happen if i told them everything? i wanted to tell them that i joined this forum, that i have a place where i can talk about how i feel without burdening anyone. and i wanted to tell them about everything ive been planning. that im doing this whole farewell tour to say goodbye to all my friends, that im specifically waiting to ctb until after they get back from their trip, that i think ive found a way to go. i wanted to explain how i feel about everything, that it's weird that people are so dedicated to autonomy until it's about ctb, that im just too tired and burnt out to do what it takes to save myself, that there isn't anything they can do to save me, but that's okay. i wanted to tell them everything but i didn't want them to try and stop me.
and even now, i want to talk to my coworker about the conversation, but i still have to be careful about what i say for the same reason. it's exhausting!
and i hate that i feel guilty. because if you take the emotions out of it, this makes sense. but ive always been one to put the wellbeing of others above my own (that's part of why im in this situation to begin with) and the guilt is eating at me. but also ive made so many plans all centering on my ctb attempt, and i feel like i need to ctb to make the narrative satisfying. im putting a lot of time, effort, and money into this. and i really really want it to be over. because i know that i can't get better. but at the same time, im having doubts. and i know that if it was anyone else, doubt would be a sign to not do it. because ctb should really be a last resort. i shouldn't feel like i have to ctb for any reason other than because there is no other way. but i dont know what else to do.
the main thing that i expressed in my original message was that i felt abandoned. Z replied that they felt like they did a lot for me, which kind of hurt. when i asked for examples of what they did for me, they said 1) they try to visit me every time they're in town (they live in another city, about 2 hours away) and 2) they always answer my texts (barring recently because their mental health has been poor). to me, this feels like kind of the bare minimum, but also i understand that mental health and other circumstances can make these harder for some people. i guess that's part of why it's so hard, i completely understand why things are the way they are. but it isn't enough. but at the same time, there isn't really a solution, there isn't a way for both of us to get what we need.
part of my message towards the end was maybe a bit too honest, i basically said that Z was the last person I felt really cared about me, and lately I felt like even they were distant. i felt like i was actually alone. Z said this part in particular gave them a ptsd reaction (idk exactly what that entailed for them, but still) which made me feel awful. they then brought up that they were about to go on a trip, and the last time they went on a trip, i attempted (which is unrelated as far as i know, but still). so at this point im trying to keep cool because i think they've figured it out. and then they say "I just don't want to lose you" and I swear the sound of that will haunt me.
and i realized that this is exactly what i wanted to get out of sending that message; i wanted to see them again before they went abroad and i wanted someone to reach out and see that im struggling. and i feel fucking awful because that's so shitty and manipulative of me. and also it didn't even solve the issue. i thought that knowing that someone cared about me would make me feel better, but it just made me feel worse.
because there isn't a solution. this issue can't be fixed. and that's part of why i want (wanted?) to ctb, because from a purely practical standpoint, i feel immensely lonely at no fault to anyone, and there isn't a solution that i feel capable of enacting besides ctb.
there were so many things i wanted to tell Z. i wanted to say that it felt like there wasn't a way to solve this. that i feel like, at this point, it just isn't meant to be anymore. that i feel like im holding onto a shell of the past just because i cant bear to lose this, even though i know i already have. i wanted to tell them that their reaction to that message is exactly why i feel like i cant tell them about this, that if a message that took me that much time and effort to get right was triggering, what would happen if i told them everything? i wanted to tell them that i joined this forum, that i have a place where i can talk about how i feel without burdening anyone. and i wanted to tell them about everything ive been planning. that im doing this whole farewell tour to say goodbye to all my friends, that im specifically waiting to ctb until after they get back from their trip, that i think ive found a way to go. i wanted to explain how i feel about everything, that it's weird that people are so dedicated to autonomy until it's about ctb, that im just too tired and burnt out to do what it takes to save myself, that there isn't anything they can do to save me, but that's okay. i wanted to tell them everything but i didn't want them to try and stop me.
and even now, i want to talk to my coworker about the conversation, but i still have to be careful about what i say for the same reason. it's exhausting!
and i hate that i feel guilty. because if you take the emotions out of it, this makes sense. but ive always been one to put the wellbeing of others above my own (that's part of why im in this situation to begin with) and the guilt is eating at me. but also ive made so many plans all centering on my ctb attempt, and i feel like i need to ctb to make the narrative satisfying. im putting a lot of time, effort, and money into this. and i really really want it to be over. because i know that i can't get better. but at the same time, im having doubts. and i know that if it was anyone else, doubt would be a sign to not do it. because ctb should really be a last resort. i shouldn't feel like i have to ctb for any reason other than because there is no other way. but i dont know what else to do.
