Venting Don't Want to Stay

[CoalmineCanary]

Hello friends;

If you have read the few threads I've participated in, you know that I wish to exit soon. My closest family members know not to be surprised if I am found dead as a result of my circumstances.

I do not wish to have any more reasons to live so much so I've regrettably driven away a possible relationship because of my condition. Probably unkindly.

Last night my brother gave me the news he and his wife are expecting. I feel so much joy for them because I know how much this child is wanted.

The due date is in June.

I really don't wish to stay but I don't want to sabotage the happiest event my family may experience in a long, long time. I already feel guilty for existing but now I feel obliged to live further for coming events.

I so do not wish to foreshadow this event nor do I wish that this so-wanted child may not have an aunt because she couldn't hang on for it's birth, and first birthday. Not to mention the milestones I know my brother and my sister-in-law wish to share with me. They want me to stay. The irony is that it kills my soul that they would want me to stay...That anyone would want me to stay.

Please advise. I had hoped I wouldn't be around much longer after the holidays. I have been planning and sorting out my affairs.

I sincerely do not wish to hurt anyone, but staying alive might be more pernicious then being a memory.

TL;DR

I want to exit because I simply want peace. I don't want to fuck up my timing to affect my brother's and sil's pregnancy or first years of my new niece or nephew's life. How do I navigate through this? I no longer wish to stay for personal reasons but do not wish to affect this important event or cause like a miscarriage or future sadness because of my plans or actions.

Please advise.

Thank you.

And thank you if you read the whole thing.

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, if you really don't wanna upset your brother for his upcoming baby, you should be strong and hang on there a little more.
If you can't and CTB anyway, it's still okay.
You don't deserve to suffer but you're at least conscious that you could ruin somebody else's happy moment by killing at a specific time and date and that proves you're a good and considered person.
Wish you the best and hope you can make a decision soon!
Hugs

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Well, if you really don't wanna upset your brother for his upcoming baby, you should be strong and hang on there a little more.
If you can't and CTB anyway, it's still okay.

Thank you for offering insight (into my personal existential crisis).

The sense of urgency returns. I know the first trimester is a critical one for my SIL and during covid it is dangerous to even visit the OBGYN.

I was returning to a sense of acceptance with my near future decisions.

I'm sorry to share this burden with you all but thank you for allowing me.

Just in case it wasn't clear, my op was in no way, shape, or form a "pro-life" post.



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But now the despair is so overwhelming...It's nearly unbearable.


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I guess what I'm asking is:

If in my position, would you go now before there is more that may be sabotaged because of unforeseen misfortunes???

Please help.