Venting Don’t want to participate in society anymore

[Valentino]

from the moment i wake up i immediately head for my computer, it's pathetic but its honestly the only thing that makes me happy nowadays. I still live with my parents for food and a place to live ect so they make me attend my classes but I'm failing everything because i can't focus and/or i just want to lock myself in my room again. My room is repulsive and I always get defensive when someone insults me for not wanting to go outside, how can i when everything outside of my room is a nightmare? I have to deal with my endless amounts of unfinished assignments and having to get a job, my friends don't even notice when im obviously doing horribly, they either act as if im not there or mock me as a 'joke' even when ive told them hundreds of times i want them to stop. I'd find other friends but I'm generally disliked by my peers for struggling with social cues and tone. Users on this site as well as on the internet in general have been the first to speak to me as if im an actual person so can you really blame me for wanting to stay on my computer all day? But obviously i can't live like this forever, its either face my problems irl or ctb and I've been considering the 2nd option for a long time now. I don't actually want to die. I have friends online that really care for me but i can barely talk to them because ill get screamed at by my parents for being a lazy piece of shit. I alr have a therapist for my adhd but all she ever tells me to do is to download some useless self help app, I'm even considering opening up fully to her to get sent to a psych ward on purpose so i don't have to deal with my missing work ect for a while. But i know that's only a temporary solution and ctb would be much more effective and permanent. I'm being forced into a corner here, and my options are very limited. I'm afraid of what awaits after death, but i'd rather not fail school several times before i finally get to slave away at a job till i'm 60. I haven't fully decided yet but if everything gets worse than it is now i probably will.

 

[RosySunsets]

Hi, just wanted to say that your feelings are very relatable. Although I can't offer you any help I think you should be proud of the fact you are still getting through the days, even if it's just barely. I know you said you're considering ctb and the thought of living to work sounds like a nightmare, but I think there could be some things you find that will get you to, at the very least, push through this. For example, for me, one thing stopping me from succumbing to those thoughts is one day getting to make a coconut cream pie which is pretty random but my family pretty much make me hate doing and trying new things and they make me feel bad for asking for too much so I don't like relying on them financially. I just think of how amazing it would be to finally do things for myself, so I'll just force myself through these uncomfortable parts of life so that maybe I can start experimenting more freely enough to find things that will make me happy. Once I do (or if I do) find things that make me happy, hopefully I'll find a way to deal with the depressing thought of working into old age. But one thing at a time, and right now my focus is on pushing myself through education (I really need to start studying and complete my assignments) so I can hopefully get to the point where I can make my damn coconut cream pie. I hope you find something that pushes you through it too, even if it's something small and silly like mine. I can't say it will motivate you to do your work but maybe it will get you to stick around long enough until you get to do whatever that thing is.

 

[Valentino]

Hi, just wanted to say that your feelings are very relatable. Although I can't offer you any help I think you should be proud of the fact you are still getting through the days, even if it's just barely. I know you said you're considering ctb and the thought of living to work sounds like a nightmare, but I think there could be some things you find that will get you to, at the very least, push through this. For example, for me, one thing stopping me from succumbing to those thoughts is one day getting to make a coconut cream pie which is pretty random but my family pretty much make me hate doing and trying new things and they make me feel bad for asking for too much so I don't like relying on them financially. I just think of how amazing it would be to finally do things for myself, so I'll just force myself through these uncomfortable parts of life so that maybe I can start experimenting more freely enough to find things that will make me happy. Once I do (or if I do) find things that make me happy, hopefully I'll find a way to deal with the depressing thought of working into old age. But one thing at a time, and right now my focus is on pushing myself through education (I really need to start studying and complete my assignments) so I can hopefully get to the point where I can make my damn coconut cream pie. I hope you find something that pushes you through it too, even if it's something small and silly like mine. I can't say it will motivate you to do your work but maybe it will get you to stick around long enough until you get to do whatever that thing is.

Thank you for the kind words, this definitely motivates me. I'll try to find something that keeps me going <33

 

[DarkRange55]

understandable and relatable. You are not alone.

Life is pretty straightforward. People are complicated. Hostile conspecifics (other humans) are the main issue everyone will have to deal with. It's competition, at the most basic level, that causes all hostile conspecific actions towards you, that's the psychology. People realize subconsciously not consciously that every person they encounter is potential conflict and competition.

Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to or just listen. Sorry you're in that position.

 

[tiger b]

You say you don't want to die. It's not nice feeling a lack of choice or options, but surely your desire on this basic issue is paramount and overriding of everything else? In my view, it would be a shame if you feel forced into that option out of a situation not of your fault. It's horrible you feel cornered.

You sound like you are doing the best that you can at this point in time, in difficult circumstances. You could choose to feel proud of yourself in such circumstances, if that's helpful. The narrative is up to you and that's one thing you do have choice on. You can control only what you can control. Maybe you can only have control over a handful of things - but that could have a strong effect - or 'just enough'.

As a poster above alludes to, the small things can count a lot.

You're as worthwhile as anybody else, as worthwhile as you decide to be. I apologise as that sounds a bit feeble.

 

[Valentino]

You say you don't want to die. It's not nice feeling a lack of choice or options, but surely your desire on this basic issue is paramount and overriding of everything else? In my view, it would be a shame if you feel forced into that option out of a situation not of your fault. It's horrible you feel cornered.

You sound like you are doing the best that you can at this point in time, in difficult circumstances. You could choose to feel proud of yourself in such circumstances, if that's helpful. The narrative is up to you and that's one thing you do have choice on. You can control only what you can control. Maybe you can only have control over a handful of things - but that could have a strong effect - or 'just enough'.

As a poster above alludes to, the small things can count a lot.

You're as worthwhile as anybody else, as worthwhile as you decide to be. I apologise as that sounds a bit feeble.

I usually see everything in a negative light because of my circumstances, It's hard to feel proud when the best i can do right now is not anywhere near good enough

understandable and relatable. You are not alone.

Life is pretty straightforward. People are complicated. Hostile conspecifics (other humans) are the main issue everyone will have to deal with. It's competition, at the most basic level, that causes all hostile conspecific actions towards you, that's the psychology. People realize subconsciously not consciously that every person they encounter is potential conflict and competition.

Feel free to message me if you want someone to talk to or just listen. Sorry you're in that position.

Thank you for the response, people can be too cruel

 

[tiger b]

I'll delete this no qualms if I'm unintentionally being a d*ck, this is the wrong day for such or I'm not allowing you to vent ok. It's not my intention.

Whose standards is 'good enough' by? Is there a point where you would decide the best you could do is good enough?

 

[RosySunsets]

Thank you for the kind words, this definitely motivates me. I'll try to find something that keeps me going <33

Oh lol, I'm glad it did. If you ever wanna talk you can pm me any time <3