Help Don’t want to give up.

[mabudachi]

Last year I busted my ass to build a new camper for me and my dog to live in. It was perfect. We only got to enjoy it shortly.
On thanksgiving last year, I lost control on ice and rolled it into a ditch, which chucked me out the windshield and gave me a TBI. My dog was fine luckily. I would have froze to death had it not been for the person who found me. They said they heard a voice from god that told them to keep driving up the road I was on for an hour and a half past where he was going. Fucking crazy.
I was in a bad place, but I fixed my truck, built a temporary living situation in a canopy topper, and tried to get on with life.
I was starting to do better, and decided to go camping again. Get back on the horse, ya know? Bad idea. Found ice again instead of a campsite. Crashed again. Ruined my home again. Fuck.
I was spiraling hard so I reached out to my old therapist. On the way to my first appt I was run off the road by a road rager. He ran up on me after we stopped and sucker punched me in the head. My TBI went off the rails. Had a seizure, memory loss problems, constant ringing in my ears, light/sound sensitivity, and balance problems. Got a pair of rx glasses to help with vision problems. Went to a ton of specialists. (Still going to see most of them.)
In the beginning of July my dog that I had for 12 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He only made it two more months before I had to put him down in September. It broke me.
I held on for a bit, but when I got his ashes back it was too much. I am so lost without him. My symptoms are flaring up like crazy. All I feel is pain. I can't take care of myself properly because of the TBI (or work). I have lost most of my friends. My family is starting to drift away as well now.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I can't keep going like this. I am trapped in limbo and can't do anything about it.
To make matters worse, I confided in someone I thought I could trust that I don't want to be alive anymore. Clarified that I am not going to hurt myself, just desperate and tired. He didn't listen and told people. They told people. Now I'm getting threatened with a 5150 when all I need is peace and support. It sucks that now my struggle is everyone's business when I never asked for that. This is only going to make things worse. I think I'm going to go back to isolating in the woods. That's where my dog spent a majority of his life with me, and it's the only place I still feel connected to him.

(Please don't tell me to get another dog. It is too soon and I can barely take care of myself.)

 

[Eriktf]

im so sorry for what you have gone thruge, this story was a sad read, idk what more i can say they i hope you get better

 

[mabudachi]

im so sorry for what you have gone thruge, this story was a sad read, idk what more i can say they i hope you get better

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know it's kind of a lot but hey, it's been a long year. I appreciate your well wishes. I'm new here but there's something comforting about knowing nobody here will use my own mental health against me as a weapon. I hope you can find some peace here as well.

 

[MapleS]

I also just wanna say that it's a really sad story. I'm glad though that the dog didn't suffer throuh car accident.
I just- hope you will get better. That you will be able to come to the tearms with grief. I wanna tell you good luck. I thought you are very strong for still trying <3

can I ask you in which country do ypu live?

 

[mabudachi]

I also just wanna say that it's a really sad story. I'm glad though that the dog didn't suffer throuh car accident.
I just- hope you will get better. That you will be able to come to the tearms with grief. I wanna tell you good luck. I thought you are very strong for still trying <3

can I ask you in which country do ypu live?

Thank you for the kind words, I hope you are finding some support here as well.

I am from the Pacific NW, USA, you?

 

[grapefruit04]

Last year I busted my ass to build a new camper for me and my dog to live in. It was perfect. We only got to enjoy it shortly.
On thanksgiving last year, I lost control on ice and rolled it into a ditch, which chucked me out the windshield and gave me a TBI. My dog was fine luckily. I would have froze to death had it not been for the person who found me. They said they heard a voice from god that told them to keep driving up the road I was on for an hour and a half past where he was going. Fucking crazy.
I was in a bad place, but I fixed my truck, built a temporary living situation in a canopy topper, and tried to get on with life.
I was starting to do better, and decided to go camping again. Get back on the horse, ya know? Bad idea. Found ice again instead of a campsite. Crashed again. Ruined my home again. Fuck.
I was spiraling hard so I reached out to my old therapist. On the way to my first appt I was run off the road by a road rager. He ran up on me after we stopped and sucker punched me in the head. My TBI went off the rails. Had a seizure, memory loss problems, constant ringing in my ears, light/sound sensitivity, and balance problems. Got a pair of rx glasses to help with vision problems. Went to a ton of specialists. (Still going to see most of them.)
In the beginning of July my dog that I had for 12 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He only made it two more months before I had to put him down in September. It broke me.
I held on for a bit, but when I got his ashes back it was too much. I am so lost without him. My symptoms are flaring up like crazy. All I feel is pain. I can't take care of myself properly because of the TBI (or work). I have lost most of my friends. My family is starting to drift away as well now.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I can't keep going like this. I am trapped in limbo and can't do anything about it.
To make matters worse, I confided in someone I thought I could trust that I don't want to be alive anymore. Clarified that I am not going to hurt myself, just desperate and tired. He didn't listen and told people. They told people. Now I'm getting threatened with a 5150 when all I need is peace and support. It sucks that now my struggle is everyone's business when I never asked for that. This is only going to make things worse. I think I'm going to go back to isolating in the woods. That's where my dog spent a majority of his life with me, and it's the only place I still feel connected to him.

(Please don't tell me to get another dog. It is too soon and I can barely take care of myself.)

I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't want to let his body go when my dog died. I try to remind myself that nothing lasts forever. You're an incredibly strong person and I wish nothing but peace, health and happiness for you, and I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[mabudachi]

I'm sorry for your loss. I didn't want to let his body go when my dog died. I try to remind myself that nothing lasts forever. You're an incredibly strong person and I wish nothing but peace, health and happiness for you, and I hope this doesn't sound strange, but I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. He was the best thing that ever came into my life and we had a bond I don't know I'll ever be able to replace. Starting to focus on how lucky I was to have him at all rather than how much it sucks to lose him. But the brain injury stuff is still messing with emotions and memory for me, some days I wake up thinking this past year was just a bad dream- then I come to my senses and remember. It's quite the gut-punch to start your day with.
When I had to put him down, I limped my truck to the vet so we could do it in the back where our bed was, that's where he felt safe. I have to get better so I can fix my truck and keep taking him out on adventures with me

 

[Parnate]

I am so sorry for your loss and how life has treated you. Hope your health gets better.

 

[MapleS]

Thank you for the kind words, I hope you are finding some support here as well.

I am from the Pacific NW, USA, you?

Poland in Europe

 

[losthope1980]

Last year I busted my ass to build a new camper for me and my dog to live in. It was perfect. We only got to enjoy it shortly.
On thanksgiving last year, I lost control on ice and rolled it into a ditch, which chucked me out the windshield and gave me a TBI. My dog was fine luckily. I would have froze to death had it not been for the person who found me. They said they heard a voice from god that told them to keep driving up the road I was on for an hour and a half past where he was going. Fucking crazy.
I was in a bad place, but I fixed my truck, built a temporary living situation in a canopy topper, and tried to get on with life.
I was starting to do better, and decided to go camping again. Get back on the horse, ya know? Bad idea. Found ice again instead of a campsite. Crashed again. Ruined my home again. Fuck.
I was spiraling hard so I reached out to my old therapist. On the way to my first appt I was run off the road by a road rager. He ran up on me after we stopped and sucker punched me in the head. My TBI went off the rails. Had a seizure, memory loss problems, constant ringing in my ears, light/sound sensitivity, and balance problems. Got a pair of rx glasses to help with vision problems. Went to a ton of specialists. (Still going to see most of them.)
In the beginning of July my dog that I had for 12 years was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He only made it two more months before I had to put him down in September. It broke me.
I held on for a bit, but when I got his ashes back it was too much. I am so lost without him. My symptoms are flaring up like crazy. All I feel is pain. I can't take care of myself properly because of the TBI (or work). I have lost most of my friends. My family is starting to drift away as well now.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I can't keep going like this. I am trapped in limbo and can't do anything about it.
To make matters worse, I confided in someone I thought I could trust that I don't want to be alive anymore. Clarified that I am not going to hurt myself, just desperate and tired. He didn't listen and told people. They told people. Now I'm getting threatened with a 5150 when all I need is peace and support. It sucks that now my struggle is everyone's business when I never asked for that. This is only going to make things worse. I think I'm going to go back to isolating in the woods. That's where my dog spent a majority of his life with me, and it's the only place I still feel connected to him.

(Please don't tell me to get another dog. It is too soon and I can barely take care of myself.)

Sorry to hear this, you've been through a lot. sort about your dog, I've always found true unconditional love in dogs, lost my best friend 2021 had ti put him down after 12 years because of cancer. Im at rock bottom right now and was actually ready to CTB last with with SN. But I still believe there's something her for me though im barely holding on. for some reason I believe I still have something to do here. I am lonely as hell. I still have my other dog he's 14 . other than that it's just me and the thoughts in my head. I hope you can feel better, and always remember there is hope.

 

[mabudachi]

Sorry to hear this, you've been through a lot. sort about your dog, I've always found true unconditional love in dogs, lost my best friend 2021 had ti put him down after 12 years because of cancer. Im at rock bottom right now and was actually ready to CTB last with with SN. But I still believe there's something her for me though im barely holding on. for some reason I believe I still have something to do here. I am lonely as hell. I still have my other dog he's 14 . other than that it's just me and the thoughts in my head. I hope you can feel better, and always remember there is hope.

We must be feeling pretty similar. I too somehow have this part of me that knows I'm not done yet. But man I'm tired.
Hoping time will heal things like in the past, but losing him is the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
Sorry to hear about you pup. You must have been devastated as well. How did things go for you after losing yours? Does it still hurt as bad now? I imagine there will always be moments of pain and grief, but hoping it's going to get easier over time.
Hoping you find some peace and support here, and thank you for your kindness.