Venting Don’t want to feel better

[Fadeawaaaay]

Woke up this morning feeling better for really no good reason. Head is clear. Not feeling depressed.

But…

My circumstances are still dire. My "career" (that was always tenuous and built on quicksand) is still ruined with no prospect of income. I'll be flat broke and homeless in a couple years.
Still heartbroken.
Still lonely and mostly friendless.
Still trapped in my small rental apartment.
Still reeling in loss having squandered my nest egg through lack of proper budgeting and bad decisions.
Still unmotivated to "get a job" or find some way out of this mess.
Still resigned and defeated.
Still looking back at an entirely useless life with zero accomplishments and incredible opportunities ignored and wasted.

But…

I have zero visceral desire to CTB.
And so, in a way, it's an even bigger problem.
I still have no reason to live.
No interest in negotiating old age and future illness.
No interest in trying to manufacture some new career at this late date.
No interest in holing up in my apartment Knowing that all my friends and my ex girlfriend and everybody else is out enjoying the Christmas season… traveling, skiing…

No motivation to procure N, though I should and I should do it immediately. With my pattern of Procrastination across a lifetime, the opportunity will come and go, And I will look back later and say why didn't I get my shit together and move things along…

And so one dilemma yields to another.

Wish I was in a depressive fog to justify my indolence. I do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that must be a painful situation to be in. It really is horrible being alive. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[rationaltake]

I get it. Life can be hell.

 

[Not Sure]

You might be out of the fog but you are most likely still depressed. Not that depressed, though...

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

You might be out of the fog but you are most likely still depressed. Not that depressed, though...

A bit I'm sure. I'm loaded up on antidepressants as well. So if I took those away, I would freefall into madness right quick. It's all a house of mirrors at this point. The only reality is a finite and dwindling bank account. The need to eat and pay rent.

 

[Not Sure]

A bit I'm sure. I'm loaded up on antidepressants as well. So if I took those away, I would freefall into madness right quick.

More of a slow descent but I get your point. May I ask what are you taking? Most of them also give you suicidal ideation, at least I think mine do.

 

[ddd1234]

I am in similar position. In fact there cannot be cure for my state, because it is tied to my past mistake. Even if some genius psychiatrist gives me the magic pill that makes me artificially happy, the past won't be changed and will still haunt me. Bottom line: I need CTB.

 

[dyingalone123]

I just want to die so badly but I lack the courage to kms
I feel you

 

[ddd1234]

I am so desperately that when I walk on the street I say to myself (outloud) "I will kill myself!" I don't care about people around.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I am in similar position. In fact there cannot be cure for my state, because it is tied to my past mistake. Even if some genius psychiatrist gives me the magic pill that makes me artificially happy, the past won't be changed and will still haunt me. Bottom line: I need CTB.

It's frustrating, right? And it's so much harder to CTB when feeling fine. A cruel irony. Among many.
With no way to "improve" feels like killing time. Being "unproductive" feels tacitly shameful. Wasting this gift we've been given.

 

[dyingalone123]

Please take our pain away. Life isn't worth living when we're suffering

It's frustrating, right? And it's so much harder to CTB when feeling fine. A cruel irony. Among many.
With no way to "improve" feels like killing time. Being "unproductive" feels tacitly shameful. Wasting this gift we've been given.

That's what happened to me. I feel better on antidepressants but it's so much harder to Ctb now. I shouldn't have reached out for help. I wish my condition had gotten so worse than I had th courage to take the N and be on my way out

 

[ddd1234]

Cannot believe that 2-3 months ago I was a happy man full of passion and energy. That's surrealistic. Please God, end it know, I will not stand it anymore!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

More of a slow descent but I get your point. May I ask what are you taking? Most of them also give you suicidal ideation, at least I think mine do.

I'm taking bupropion and concerta. I don't think that technically they lead to suicidal ideation. But I think there's a bit of a trade-off. They have made me "feel "better. But probably anesthetized me too longer-term problems that I was able to avoid… The frog heating up in the water… And currently exploding…

I just want to die so badly but I lack the courage to kms
I feel you

Yeah, I feel like I'm realistically a long way off from KMS…

 

[Not Sure]

I'm taking bupropion and concerta. I don't think that technically they lead to suicidal ideation. But I think there's a bit of a trade-off. They have made me "feel "better. But probably anesthetized me too longer-term problems that I was able to avoid… The frog heating up in the water… And currently exploding…

Yeah, I feel like I'm realistically a long way off from KMS…

They do make you feel numb. But, like my dr. said, the pills are designed to help the user cope with the problems, not fix them.

Love the frog in the water reference. Sometimes I feel like I'm boiling, too, I've been here in the water for too long. Still not long enough to act and try to kms...

 

[ddd1234]

They do make you feel numb. But, like my dr. said, the pills are designed to help the user cope with the problems, not fix them.

Love the frog in the water reference. Sometimes I feel like I'm boiling, too, I've been here in the water for too long. Still not long enough to act and try to kms...

I am thinking about getting rid of antidepressants. Maybe will stay only on sleeping pills because without them I will go completely mad after 2-3 nights

 

[Not Sure]

I am thinking about getting rid of antidepressants. Maybe will stay only on sleeping pills because without them I will go completely mad after 2-3 nights

Last time I did that I ended up maniacal.

You want to get rid of them so you will feel worse?

 

[ddd1234]

I feel maniacal anyway. Maybe if I take some strong benzo I feel relief for 1 hour but that's it.