dont want to be here but scared of death.

[kittykatt]

ive been struggling mental health wise most of my life and, have contemplated CTB, but i have anxiety around death. i think its more of not knowing whats on the other side. i would like there to be something on the other side maybe? or maybe its my fear of the dark and dont want that "nothingness" forever. its whats kept me here for so long tbh. i cannot make that jump because my anxiety around it stops me. does anyone else have this fear or relate? and if so, how have you come to terms with death and feel okay with CTB?

 

[nbk4755]

Haven't come to terms with CTB (and I'd hazard a lot of people here haven't). I've 'wanted' to die via suicide for almost five years at this point, but never formalized a plan or made a serious attempt. I've thought about suicide essentially everyday and I feel like I can't envision myself dying any other way at this point. But I still just drift here, afraid of action, afraid of risk, afraid of not knowing; I think this passive reaction had only eaten away at me overtime and started to desensitize me to the thought, but I still feel like too much of a coward and fool to try anything, only leading to being more miserable each day.

Can't give you much advice on coming to terms with yourself, and unfortunately nobody here has died and spoken from experience to give any sort of ease. I haven't really thought about what comes after death. I've always viewed it as existing between two states - alive, and not alive - and that the event that transitions between them (a death itself) is the much more important part, and following it you will merely move yourself to existing in another state, whatever it may be. A void after death is a bit off-putting to me, but it's hard not to respond to any theory with "I'm dead so it won't matter", just another thing we have to cope through without ever being able to know.

 

[Eudaimonic]

realize that there is no darkness; there is simply nothingness. darkness is something, that thing being the absence of light as it is perceived by you.
that being said, i do not necessarily believe in eternal oblivion
i feel afraid of death as well albeit for different reasons than you. i hope that nothingness is what follows death, but i am not confident that it is

 

[excaliboyz]

i have the same issue. THe fear of nothingness, and that it might be a mistake, thhat i it is too early anmd that i might be missing out on something

 

[ctbusser]

Same here, sometimes I have moments of hope that it will be better on the other side that motivates me to do it (like we are in a simulation and will just wake up in my Base reality after dying or reincarnate into something better) but this hope fades away really fast with thoughts that it would be worse there or that I will have to just relive my life over again.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

In my case, I'm not scared of death as I think that it's permanent non existence. What I am scared of is dying as I don't have access to a relatively peaceful suicide method and I can only attempt once with a brutal suicide method as I'll be a permanent prisoner to my parents if I fail or get caught. I also have a lot of SI which prevents me from dying as well as laziness and preferring the path of least resistance

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

The only fear I have is of my method failing.
I think of death just like I think of birth. I don't remember anything from when I was in my mother's womb. So it must be just like that when I die.

 

[mrtime87]

Death frightens me as well. I've thought of shooting myself with a gun, but no matter how instantaneous a gun is, know I will feel pain, even if for a brief moment. Just because it's brief, doesn't mean anything. A brief moment of agony can feel like an eternity, otherwise, why would we feel fear when thinking of shooting ourselves to begin with?

If death could be as simple as laying down in peace, I think a lot of people would be okay with it. But suicide is usually messy, violent and disturbing. People generally are against what is essentially self murder, and the thought of murdering myself, while for me is fine, definitely puts people off.

Even if I live to old age and die of natural causes, I know death will be uncomfortable.

At 38 years old I can definitely say I lived a bad life, one of neglecting my health and not listening to others.

I have to ask if you were serious about CTB, could you at least say you lived a good life or at the very least took care of yourself?

Maybe that fear of death is telling you not to end it all because no matter how bad it gets there is always worth something to live for.

I know that's not always true, but if it was in your case, would that be enough to keep you going, despite the struggle?

 

[kittykatt]

Death frightens me as well. I've thought of shooting myself with a gun, but no matter how instantaneous a gun is, know I will feel pain, even if for a brief moment. Just because it's brief, doesn't mean anything. A brief moment of agony can feel like an eternity, otherwise, why would we feel fear when thinking of shooting ourselves to begin with?

If death could be as simple as laying down in peace, I think a lot of people would be okay with it. But suicide is usually messy, violent and disturbing. People generally are against what is essentially self murder, and the thought of murdering myself, while for me is fine, definitely puts people off.

Even if I live to old age and die of natural causes, I know death will be uncomfortable.

At 38 years old I can definitely say I lived a bad life, one of neglecting my health and not listening to others.

I have to ask if you were serious about CTB, could you at least say you lived a good life or at the very least took care of yourself?

Maybe that fear of death is telling you not to end it all because no matter how bad it gets there is always worth something to live for.

I know that's not always true, but if it was in your case, would that be enough to keep you going, despite the struggle?

thats actually a great way to think about it and i believe you are correct. hopes and dreams also keep me here. i want to experience things i havent yet. i think im just scared ill miss out on something deep down.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't fear Death. Death is non-existence forever. You can't feel pain if you don't exist .

You can only feel pain while alive. It takes a conscious functioning alive connected brain to feel pain or to suffer.

They have most people confused.

We're all "dying" because we are all headed towards Death.

The only difference between any of us is how much pain will each of us suffer until we all die anyway and Death is what stops the pain forever.

To me suicide methods seem quicker and less painful than natural dying like suffering for months with cancer

To me Death non-existence is a trillion tines better than living . I only fear remaining alive but in an even worse condition

They can bring u back to life in the ER after a suicide attempt, accident or disease

For example 2 people are in intense cancer pain agony. If some doctor says they both have 24 hours to die unless surgery then and then 1 does die then all those 24 hours until Death was not Death cause they were alive in pain . Only Death stopped the pain. So the other gets the surgery and remains alive he went through the same ordeal as the one who died. So was he dying too? We all are dying .Death stops pain forever never causes pain

 

[b1cycle]

There is no positive content to being dead. It can only bad because of what it deprives us of. Would you have any preference between 20 years of dream-less deep coma followed by death, as opposed to just immediate death? I think most would not care or notice the difference between the two.
So the state of being dead should not be scary or novel because you experience an identical state every day when you go to sleep.
If what this deprives you of is bad, then death is good.

 

[beardyoldcorpse]

Think we all feel a bit like that! The only way I deal with it is to realize that we're all going to die eventually anyway….so why not try and make it quicker and as painless as possible? I just hope I have the courage to go through with it when my chosen time comes!!

 

[mrtime87]

If I felt that way I wouldn't do it. Most suicide attempts end in failure and often make your life worse. If you're afraid of missing out, celebrate your health and the fact that you're a mature person who can take care of themselves, whose hopefully in a good place and living situation.

Not everyone can celebrate this, so cherish what God has given you.

That's the mistake I made in my 20s, and it's led to dire consequences that outside of a miracle I can't get out of.

thats actually a great way to think about it and i believe you are correct. hopes and dreams also keep me here. i want to experience things i havent yet. i think im just scared ill miss out on something deep down.

 

[kittykatt]

If I felt that way I wouldn't do it. Most suicide attempts end in failure and often make your life worse. If you're afraid of missing out, celebrate your health and the fact that you're a mature person who can take care of themselves, whose hopefully in a good place and living situation.

Not everyone can celebrate this, so cherish what God has given you.

That's the mistake I made in my 20s, and it's led to dire consequences that outside of a miracle I can't get out of.

i really appreciate your kind words. it was very enlightening. i pray for you in your journey friend.

 

[mrtime87]

i really appreciate your kind words. it was very enlightening. i pray for you in your journey friend.

Thanks