I know logically that my life is over. My CFS/ME has become unmanageable and I can barely look after myself anymore. My narcissistic/disengaged parents refuse to acknowledge or accept how unwell I am. Our house is tiny, extremely noisy, claustraphobic and I have no way of escaping or controlling the amount of stimulation I'm exposed to, so I'm just in an endless state of profound distress. I feel constantly under watch. I can't move out and am not entitled to any disability benefits (not a citizen here). I can't go to hospital because there's no treatment for CFS and I'd probably be thrown into a psych ward, which could realistically kill me.
The thing is that I've been trapped in this 'survival'/high-pressure state for so long now (4 years) that I barely know any differently at this point. The only way I can remain alive is by exerting constant control, sticking to a very strict schedule of eating etc. So it's like I've never even been given the chance to pause or take a breath or see life differently, so to have to die now just seems so horrible. And I'm not even 'doing' anything at this point -- I can't watch TV, movies etc. I'm just surviving for the sake of it.
My parents are away this weekend. My SN arrived yesterday. I have everything I need -- anti-emetics, benzos etc. As soon as I woke up, I kept telling myself I would just get it over with but I really don't think I can. I'm terrified of dying and I think suicide ultimately isn't in my nature, but I also know I've run out of options -- and am not looking for either support or encouragement to CTB.
I think that for me, suicide was always just a fantasy, like an idea I could toy around with to help feel in control. But when I do feel myself losing control and the idea of having to do it becomes real, I just become terrified.
I guess it's inevitable something will trigger me, since my home environment is so unstable and the worse I get, the more pressure is put on me. But I don't know. Logically, I know it's good I have the SN but at the same time I just feel sad and awful. I have profound C-PTSD and my life is dominated by fear, and that extends to the idea of CTB too. I keep hoping there will be some 'magic' answer that reassures me or makes it feel right, but it never arrives. :(
Maybe disinhibiting agents like benzos could help me get over the fear.
The thing is that I've been trapped in this 'survival'/high-pressure state for so long now (4 years) that I barely know any differently at this point. The only way I can remain alive is by exerting constant control, sticking to a very strict schedule of eating etc. So it's like I've never even been given the chance to pause or take a breath or see life differently, so to have to die now just seems so horrible. And I'm not even 'doing' anything at this point -- I can't watch TV, movies etc. I'm just surviving for the sake of it.
My parents are away this weekend. My SN arrived yesterday. I have everything I need -- anti-emetics, benzos etc. As soon as I woke up, I kept telling myself I would just get it over with but I really don't think I can. I'm terrified of dying and I think suicide ultimately isn't in my nature, but I also know I've run out of options -- and am not looking for either support or encouragement to CTB.
I think that for me, suicide was always just a fantasy, like an idea I could toy around with to help feel in control. But when I do feel myself losing control and the idea of having to do it becomes real, I just become terrified.
I guess it's inevitable something will trigger me, since my home environment is so unstable and the worse I get, the more pressure is put on me. But I don't know. Logically, I know it's good I have the SN but at the same time I just feel sad and awful. I have profound C-PTSD and my life is dominated by fear, and that extends to the idea of CTB too. I keep hoping there will be some 'magic' answer that reassures me or makes it feel right, but it never arrives. :(
Maybe disinhibiting agents like benzos could help me get over the fear.
