It's been way too mentally taxing for me to search for Benzo sources for my SN and I really do not want to keep going, trying to source them, etc. I do have anxiety and OCD but oh well I guess. I already ordered the SN but stupidly ordered it to a physical location that I have to pick it up at because I was afraid packaging might not be discrete, so now things are more complicated for me because I don't know when I'll have the chance to go + my social anxiety. I am dying to go though, I messed up my life so badly I just don' have an option.
I do have access to other drugs in the regime, basically the only one I don't have is the benzos.
My partner this morning commented how it was good to see I was feeling better and not bad in the morning (usually I have panic attacks in the morning). I am not really feeling better or not bad. I told my Mom that I was feeling better recently. It was a lie. I know what I want to do and I know it will be hard but I'm literally suffering so much. It's all my fault and I'm sorry it had to be this way, truly, but I've behaved like nothing but a selfish idiot my whole life.
I have a few unfinished projects that I need to finish for clients and it's going to be very difficult for me to do so. Maybe I can do them while I wait to access the last few drugs (besides the benzos). I know this is now really how the regimen is supposed to go but I just do not have the energy to continue searching for this stuff and my social anxiety is through the roof. I promise if I ever get another chance at life I'll do it better because Jesus Christ, I don't know how you can fuck it up so badly. I hope I get a better brain if there's a next time.
I do have access to other drugs in the regime, basically the only one I don't have is the benzos.
My partner this morning commented how it was good to see I was feeling better and not bad in the morning (usually I have panic attacks in the morning). I am not really feeling better or not bad. I told my Mom that I was feeling better recently. It was a lie. I know what I want to do and I know it will be hard but I'm literally suffering so much. It's all my fault and I'm sorry it had to be this way, truly, but I've behaved like nothing but a selfish idiot my whole life.
I have a few unfinished projects that I need to finish for clients and it's going to be very difficult for me to do so. Maybe I can do them while I wait to access the last few drugs (besides the benzos). I know this is now really how the regimen is supposed to go but I just do not have the energy to continue searching for this stuff and my social anxiety is through the roof. I promise if I ever get another chance at life I'll do it better because Jesus Christ, I don't know how you can fuck it up so badly. I hope I get a better brain if there's a next time.
