Don’t know what to do

[Young.Werther]

I haven't posted or done anything here in a while, just been lurking. I'm so tired though. And I can't manage to find a way out. I can't seem to recover and can't seem to leave and I hate it.

I feel like I'm so close to being able to leave and yet for some reason I can't work up the courage. Whenever I get close, there are two things that stop me:
1. The fear that whatever's on the other side could be worse. I think one thing I've learned is that there is no such thing as rock bottom; it can always get worse. I'd like there to be nothing on the other side but I don't know and it's scary. I don't want to be reincarnated and go through this world again. I know I could've gotten a worse roll of the dice and I don't want to do it again. Or maybe there's something else equally terrible or even worse.
2. There's some small hope that things will change. I don't know how this would happen though, I feel like I spend all my energy trying to get by and don't have the energy to try to improve any more. Maybe once upon a time. And in any case I don't even know how to.

I think the worst part is all the times I'm alone and struggling and I want someone to talk to that I can ask for advice on what to do, for help. And there isn't anyone there.

It's been years and I don't want to wake up in five years and find myself in the same place only more tired. But the thing is I can't seem to leave or recover. I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have suggestions? All the people I might talk to in real life would either react poorly or it would be too much to ask of them. And I don't know what to do anymore.

 

[mango-meridian]

I don't see any point in some divine entity (God, Source, etc.), creating endless meaningless suffering for us when we die. (What exactly would that accomplish for anyone?) I think it's mostly likely we will either be in peace, bliss and joy, or we will reincarnate. I know reincarnation sounds awful after living through an extremely painful life, but I think it's worth remembering that most people in the world do not have suicidal thoughts. Most people value their lives and feel they are a good thing overall. It could be that you (and I, and most other people on this forum) have simply been dealt very difficult hands, and that is why we feel life is such a burden in general.

I can relate to feeling stuck and feeling unable to either improve my life or CTB. All I can say is that usually, with time, either your circumstances will change so that you have more time and energy to improve your place or you will make a breakthrough that will allow you to make so much more with what you have now. That has been my experience, anyway. I hope it's true for you.

 

[Young.Werther]

I know reincarnation sounds awful after living through an extremely painful life, but I think it's worth remembering that most people in the world do not have suicidal thoughts. Most people value their lives and feel they are a good thing overall. It could be that you (and I, and most other people on this forum) have simply been dealt very difficult hands, and that is why we feel life is such a burden in general.

The thing is, I think I have a pretty good hand. I mean I read other people's stories talking about various forms of abuse, difficult childhood and whatnot and I have had it much better. I actually really liked childhood and I think I was happy. I'm lucky that I don't have to think too hard about finances (at least not currently) and outwardly have done well. I think if I were to roll the dice again many of these things would change.

I also am not sure what a creator would be like. I think there's an assumption that it is kind, but I don't see why that needs to be true. I mean I couldn't prove to you that god is a sadist just like I couldn't prove it's benevolent. I just don't know and try not to assume.

All I can say is that usually, with time, either your circumstances will change so that you have more time and energy to improve your place or you will make a breakthrough that will allow you to make so much more with what you have now. That has been my experience, anyway. I hope it's true for you.

There are times when I feel ok, but it doesn't last and the other times are much worse. I think after a several years my threshold for "ok" has also sunk. Is there something you're supposed to do? If you have concrete suggestions that were helpful for you (it sounds like you are in recovery/recovered) I would appreciate it.

I did try recovery with therapist and all (no meds) but it didn't do much for me. And it seems exhausting; it's a lot of work (or feels that way, but everything feels like a lot right now) to reach out and wait and later find it's not a good match. And even then, I have to always be careful since too much honesty gets people in trouble. I am distrustful of the system post sectioning so going to a stranger and restarting sounds difficult.

 

[mango-meridian]

The thing is, I think I have a pretty good hand. I mean I read other people's stories talking about various forms of abuse, difficult childhood and whatnot and I have had it much better. I actually really liked childhood and I think I was happy. I'm lucky that I don't have to think too hard about finances (at least not currently) and outwardly have done well. I think if I were to roll the dice again many of these things would change.

I also am not sure what a creator would be like. I think there's an assumption that it is kind, but I don't see why that needs to be true. I mean I couldn't prove to you that god is a sadist just like I couldn't prove it's benevolent. I just don't know and try not to assume.


There are times when I feel ok, but it doesn't last and the other times are much worse. I think after a several years my threshold for "ok" has also sunk. Is there something you're supposed to do? If you have concrete suggestions that were helpful for you (it sounds like you are in recovery/recovered) I would appreciate it.

I did try recovery with therapist and all (no meds) but it didn't do much for me. And it seems exhausting; it's a lot of work (or feels that way, but everything feels like a lot right now) to reach out and wait and later find it's not a good match. And even then, I have to always be careful since too much honesty gets people in trouble. I am distrustful of the system post sectioning so going to a stranger and restarting sounds difficult.

This whole comment is basically going to be my own thoughts/speculation, so take it with a grain of salt.

I think it's hard to know just how good or bad other people/beings have it. Have you spent time in deeply altered states of consciousness (e.g. deep meditation, near death experiences, psychedelic experiences, or even certain types of hypnosis)? I only ask because those types of experiences can be a glimpse into what it's like to be another person, though it's not a "complete" view, unfortunately.

Regardless, I will say that if you've found yourself perusing this forum, there's a good chance you've been dealt a worse hand than you realize. While having a childhood that checks all the boxes, having enough money and seeming to be doing well outwardly can seem like a "fortunate" life, I think those things are only a small part of it. There are a lot of people who have very little materially but are very happy. And on the topic of childhood, I used to think my childhood was fine, but the older I've gotten, the more I've realized that there were a lot of things wrong with it. Though, of course, I don't want to project my experiences onto yours.

Putting all that aside, I don't honestly know how reincarnation works, so I can only parrot what I've heard. Depending on the wisdom tradition/belief system (and perhaps your actions in this life), you might incarnate as a human again, or you might incarnate as another form of life, or you might even go to another planet. Most traditions hold that reincarnation is voluntary - you choose when, where and how you will incarnate. Presumably, you are on some type of journey aimed at soul growth and there is a destination/goal in mind, and incarnation is driven by you, not forced onto you. Also, most traditions hold that reincarnation is actually not the only thing that can happen when you die. Pop culture and misinformed retellings have oversimplified viewpoints in a lot of cases.

And yeah, I agree it's hard to know the intentions of a creator. But, again, to parrot wisdom traditions from around the world, I'm not aware of any that claim the creator to be sadistic, though there are many who claim the creator is loving. This mirrors my own experiences as well.

I could give some concrete suggestions, but honestly I think we're all unique so we need different things. I haven't found therapy to be very useful (I even wrote a thread about it today lol) so of course I'm going to be biased against recommending that. With time I'm learning there are a lot of good resources online, including some right here on SaSu, so I'm trying to take advantage of those (self-study). I have a goal to read all the help materials pinned in the recovery section at some point. I feel there have to be some good things in there. I've already read the post about herbs and I am especially impressed with that one. They seems like such a preferable alternative to antidepressants/anxiolytics if you feel there's some kind of chemical imbalance (or short term crisis) that you want to address. I also feel like finding recovery partners (people who really want to improve their situation and climb out whatever hole they are in) must be good, but I'm still working on that so can't speak too much about it.