Venting Don’t know if my reason to ctb is justified.

[bubbletea]

there are so many people suffering in the world, more than me I'm sure. I live in a really nice condo, a chance to go to a prestigious school, have no trouble making friends, an emotionally distant family, and I'm physically attractive so people say I "won the genetic lottery".

I don't know why I'm miserable and I feel so limited. I've been depressed for a long time. The only times I've felt "happiness" is when I escape reality with alcohol or drugs or toxic codependent relationships. I feel like trash one moment and like an entitled princess the next.
People say to me so often, I wish I were you, or If I were you I would be so confident.

Why am I just a piece of shit.

My mind convinces me to do things that I regret.
I tried to blame it on abusive parents, my past, but it still feels like it's all my fault. I feel like a shit person no matter what I do. Even ctbing. I feel like I'm not grateful for what I have and I will get punished for it.
I do terrible things. I haven't felt like I've been in control of my life since I was a child. I feel powerless. I don't trusf myself so much that I think even being depressed is an excuse because I don't want to do my work.

I feel like a shiny red apple with a rotten core on the inside and it's all my fault.

 

[TAW122]

Your reason doesn't have to be 'justified' especially in the eyes of society. It is your own body and your own life so it would be ultimately up to you to decide when to continue or stop living. Personally, I think if I had your life circumstances, then I would continue living, but that's just me and I'm not trying to tell you whether you should live or not, that's your decision.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

there are so many people suffering in the world, more than me I'm sure. I live in a really nice condo, a chance to go to a prestigious school, have no trouble making friends, an emotionally distant family, and I'm physically attractive so people say I "won the genetic lottery".

I don't know why I'm miserable and I feel so limited. I've been depressed for a long time. The only times I've felt "happiness" is when I escape reality with alcohol or drugs or toxic codependent relationships. I feel like trash one moment and like an entitled princess the next.
People say to me so often, I wish I were you, or If I were you I would be so confident.

Why am I just a piece of shit.

My mind convinces me to do things that I regret.
I tried to blame it on abusive parents, my past, but it still feels like it's all my fault. I feel like a shit person no matter what I do. Even ctbing. I feel like I'm not grateful for what I have and I will get punished for it.
I do terrible things. I haven't felt like I've been in control of my life since I was a child. I feel powerless. I don't trusf myself so much that I think even being depressed is an excuse because I don't want to do my work.

I feel like a shiny red apple with a rotten core on the inside and it's all my fault.

I dont think its your fault, in general i never think its someones own fault for feeling depressed. It just happens. I dont think you can stop it because most of the time you dont even know what hits you. You can only decide for yourself who you are. I understand the feeling of being trash and feeling like a princess the next, my father has this thing where when i feelca bit better about my self he tells me exactly what ive done wrong and who i am supposed to be, it pains me to admit that, do you have a person like that in your life?

the name of ur thread is that you dont know if the reason you want to ctb is valid. I think the only person that can decide that is you, in my personal oppinion i think if you are in pain, like a shit load of pain, its always valid.

 

[Mybattle]

If you still have your health and only deal with depression get a good therapist first and change your lifestyle. Stay off the meds (they destroyed me) and stay off the drugs they are not good for depressed people.

I wish I could go back in time, I was just like you but kept on making the wrong choices. Now I deal with regret and am suffering so hard I am forced to cbt because my brain is so fried from meds and drugs. I would love to be in your shoes (from what I can gather)

And no depression is not to be underestimated it is horrible but u can do this. It can get worse. From what you have written I feel you can make your life good.

You are a human, humans make mistakes, nobody is perfect and your personality is formed by many factors and are not all your fault. You can still change. I want to live but I am suffering so hard that I am on this site now.

If you are severely suicidal I do not say your reasons are not valid.

You can read my story here

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...tting-worse-and-worse-i-see-no-way-out.12529/

 

[bubbletea]

If you still have your health and only deal with depression get a good therapist first and change your lifestyle. Stay off the meds (they destroyed me) and stay off the drugs they are not good for depressed people.

I wish I could go back in time, I was just like you but kept on making the wrong choices. Now I deal with regret and am suffering so hard I am forced to cbt because my brain is so fried from meds and drugs. I would love to be in your shoes (from what I can gather)

And no depression is not to be underestimated it is horrible but u can do this. It can get worse. From what you have written I feel you can make your life good.

You are a human, humans make mistakes, nobody is perfect and your personality is formed by many factors and are not all your fault. You can still change. I want to live but I am suffering so hard that I am on this site now.

If you are severely suicidal I do not say your reasons are not valid.

You can read my story here

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...tting-worse-and-worse-i-see-no-way-out.12529/

Thanks.

I didn't mention that I've been on psych meds for 8 years including two types of benzos. And a relationship that started with multiple rapes with a guy that fueled addiction and alcoholism that left me the way I am now. It hurts so bad.
I really feel like I have an illness that can't be seen. It really hurts so bad. Everyone thinks I'm ungrateful and lazy. But it really really hurts. When my first boyfriend cheated on me with another friend I heard that it happened and that everyone knew about it while I was in another country.. I really felt like my throat was being choked from the inside and then ripped into my stomach. When I hear horrible stories on the news I feel chest pains. I feel emotional states physically and everyone treats me like I'm crazy and dramatic. When I get into arguments with someone I really like I lay in bed ill for days and no one understands why. I'm not doing it on purpose. And when I do this my mom says "what's wrong with you?!"
I know the world is a harsh place. I know I have to make myself stronger. But I really feel badly beaten on the inside and outside. And then there is me, myself that abuses myself daily.

 

[bubbletea]

I dont think its your fault, in general i never think its someones own fault for feeling depressed. It just happens. I dont think you can stop it because most of the time you dont even know what hits you. You can only decide for yourself who you are. I understand the feeling of being trash and feeling like a princess the next, my father has this thing where when i feelca bit better about my self he tells me exactly what ive done wrong and who i am supposed to be, it pains me to admit that, do you have a person like that in your life?

the name of ur thread is that you dont know if the reason you want to ctb is valid. I think the only person that can decide that is you, in my personal oppinion i think if you are in pain, like a shit load of pain, its always valid.

Thanks Anna
I'm not sure what you mean by someone to tell you what you are.

 

[AnnihilatedAnna]

Thanks.

I didn't mention that I've been on psych meds for 8 years including two types of benzos. And a relationship that started with multiple rapes with a guy that fueled addiction and alcoholism that left me the way I am now. It hurts so bad.
I really feel like I have an illness that can't be seen. It really hurts so bad. Everyone thinks I'm ungrateful and lazy. But it really really hurts. When my first boyfriend cheated on me with another friend I heard that it happened and that everyone knew about it while I was in another country.. I really felt like my throat was being choked from the inside and then ripped into my stomach. When I hear horrible stories on the news I feel chest pains. I feel emotional states physically and everyone treats me like I'm crazy and dramatic. When I get into arguments with someone I really like I lay in bed ill for days and no one understands why. I'm not doing it on purpose. And when I do this my mom says "what's wrong with you?!"
I know the world is a harsh place. I know I have to make myself stronger. But I really feel badly beaten on the inside and outside. And then there is me, myself that abuses myself daily.

Are you currently doing therapy? To talk through these things?

Thanks Anna
I'm not sure what you mean by someone to tell you what you are.

I don't remember what I meant sorry, im feeling really hazy and high ( am not high though)

 

[Mybattle]

You sound a lot like me, a sensitive person. Nothing wrong with that. If you are stabile atm, I would advise you (and I mean if I were you) to be kind to yourself. start a very very slow taper off the benzo's and DON'T touch drugs anymore. They are ok if you are mentally 100% but to sensitive people like u and me they are not good.

I have always had problems finding my passion and holding down long term jobs. Many people are like that. That is no reason to hate yourself, life is not easy or black or white.

And your past sounds rough, I cannot say how much damage you have from this so it is easy talking for me. But I also have been through some shit, but I always had my brain and was still stabile and able to function a bit and leave the house. Now I am not...

I dont want to sound like everything is easy and talk you out of anything but just from my first impression you can still turn this arround.

Dont get too hung up on jobs and accomplishments and other peoples opinions. THEY DON'T MEAN SHIT...

All that matters is health both mental and physical.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

there are so many people suffering in the world, more than me I'm sure. I live in a really nice condo, a chance to go to a prestigious school, have no trouble making friends, an emotionally distant family, and I'm physically attractive so people say I "won the genetic lottery".

I don't know why I'm miserable and I feel so limited. I've been depressed for a long time. The only times I've felt "happiness" is when I escape reality with alcohol or drugs or toxic codependent relationships. I feel like trash one moment and like an entitled princess the next.
People say to me so often, I wish I were you, or If I were you I would be so confident.

Why am I just a piece of shit.

My mind convinces me to do things that I regret.
I tried to blame it on abusive parents, my past, but it still feels like it's all my fault. I feel like a shit person no matter what I do. Even ctbing. I feel like I'm not grateful for what I have and I will get punished for it.
I do terrible things. I haven't felt like I've been in control of my life since I was a child. I feel powerless. I don't trusf myself so much that I think even being depressed is an excuse because I don't want to do my work.

I feel like a shiny red apple with a rotten core on the inside and it's all my fault.

Don't beat yourself up. Happiness is not always dependent on material possessions. It can help, but it's not everything.

 

[Edrudd]

Suffering is relative. A homeless can be happy

 

[GeorgeEastman]

The whole idea of having to justify it is a big waste.

I conclude that it's really just the subconscious stupid survival instinct using all these thoughts to fight for life. It's just more dumb survival instinct stuff. I have the same thoughts. Have to justify it.

How about living just blows and I want out? That should be justification enough.

 

[Sover]

there are so many people suffering in the world, more than me I'm sure. I live in a really nice condo, a chance to go to a prestigious school, have no trouble making friends, an emotionally distant family, and I'm physically attractive so people say I "won the genetic lottery".

I don't know why I'm miserable and I feel so limited. I've been depressed for a long time. The only times I've felt "happiness" is when I escape reality with alcohol or drugs or toxic codependent relationships. I feel like trash one moment and like an entitled princess the next.
People say to me so often, I wish I were you, or If I were you I would be so confident.

Why am I just a piece of shit.

My mind convinces me to do things that I regret.
I tried to blame it on abusive parents, my past, but it still feels like it's all my fault. I feel like a shit person no matter what I do. Even ctbing. I feel like I'm not grateful for what I have and I will get punished for it.
I do terrible things. I haven't felt like I've been in control of my life since I was a child. I feel powerless. I don't trusf myself so much that I think even being depressed is an excuse because I don't want to do my work.

I feel like a shiny red apple with a rotten core on the inside and it's all my fault.

Are their stressors in your life causing you to feel this way at the moment?

 

[Kikoo Loool]

You don't have to justify your desire of ctb.