Don’t know if I want to die but think about it all the time

[friendless_soul]

I have been lurking a long time, and guess I just need to vent.

I'm a middle aged man, with a job, healthy, with kids and a semi steady relationship…. But I think about killing myself all the time.

I've always battled thoughts but never had or still have the balls to do it, I used to be quite a loner even though I had friends looking back it was very toxic as I was the brunt of all the jokes and possibly I was just around to put me down and make them feel better about them selves. I was a loner, up until I met my girlfriend, everything was amazing, she showed me how people should treat you and how to be loved, he had kids together and moved into our own place and everything was amazing, until she found old pictures of a girl I used to talk to on my computer. Since then it has been a rocky road of falling out, her not trusting me but still not wanting to end things because she loves me.

But since then the thoughts have come back, I've neglected her and it is straining the relationship. Ive told her before that before her I used to think about suicide but have never told her about my thoughts now, she often tells me in heated arguments that maybe I should move back to my moms house and kill myself and that her and the kids would be much better without me, I know she doesn't mean it, she never apologises about it though.

Since her finding the pictures I lost my job which I loved, I easily found another but it wasn't the same, I've since then left that one for the one I have now and things couldn't be worse, today I was demoted after months of no support from management and no real training, and now I can't bare to look at people I work with knowing I couldn't hack the job.

I have had enough, I'm sick of being taken advantage of, I'm sick of arguments with my girlfriend, im sick of falling out with her and neglecting her when I don't want to, I'm sick of being in a job I can't don't like or want anymore and I'm sick of not having the balls to actually end it all.

I'm tired, just sick and tired!

 

[friendless_soul]

I can feel myself falling deeper and deeper back into my old ways. Me and my girlfriend have argued again tonight, she has severe OCD and I forgot to fill the car with fuel, she gets bad anxiety about touching the pumps and filling up, this has caused old wounds to re open and she claims I don't care about her or her feeling when she couldn't be further from the truth.

The way I feel about myself is causing me to increasingly show less interest in her when she's the only one that matters. tonight i thought she would be my rock after what happened today at work but she is pushing me away, I've been told to stay away from her, I mentioned about jobs I'd been looking for and she says she doesn't care. All I can think about is walking out, and ending it, then I think of the kids and stop myself.

All I've thought about today is suicide and how everyone will have a better life without me if I was gone. I feel empty and the thought of doing it doesn't scare me anymore. I've planned where to do it if I do, I can go into the basement of work, I'm the only one with a key and I can hang myself in there and to be honest no one would find me for a long time once I lock the door behind me and switch the lights off, my girlfriend won't contact them, she doesn't know the number or even where I work!

I hate the feeling of emptiness with no one to talk to