Don't Know How To Live With Being This.

[kane]

So much of my suffering is caused by desire, longing, and craving (mostly sexual/romantic and unrealistic). Some of it is truly terrible and screwed up, some of it is more innocent and relatable, but very little of it is based on anything actually achievable, and this leads to a deep sense of despair. These things that feel incredibly important are also delusional or fantastical. There's no course of action to follow, no point at which contentment could be found - it's a recipe for depression. My mind is constantly telling itself: 'Hey, look at this thing that's essential and totally vital to your happiness! Yeah, you can't have that!'

I have no idea how to respond to this experience. It seems intolerable. It dominates such a huge part of my mind. Just this endless cycle of wanting, craving, regret, shame and self-hatred. It seems most people gain some level of fulfilment and contentment from romantic attachments and sexual encounters. But I just can't imagine that for myself - my mind is simply too fucked up. I'm constantly being torn between the different aspects of my desire - with the result that no result would ever seem satisfactory.
If it was a casual encounter I'd want more. If it was a long term thing I'd want out. If it somehow fulfilled my darker fantasies I'd feel guilty and disgusted with myself. These conflicts within would make me miserable regardless of outcome.

If I'm correct and there is no way to resolve these feelings, then it seems from a self-interested point of view I should end myself. Being trapped in this state doesn't seem like a life worth living. And someone as mentally twisted as me probably shouldn't exist in the world. But then there's the massive impact it would have on my family to take into account. And the fact that it would require overcoming all of that incredibly strong desire. Most of these parts of me really don't want to die. They want me to pursue whatever unrealistic or catastrophic path they're fixated on.

I really don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know if self-destruction is the rational course. Or if I should find some way to eliminate this part of myself. Or if, as an ape with a desire to replicate, it's just necessary to find some way to fulfil that, regardless of how wrong it might go or how meaningless it might be. I don't have a fucking clue how to be this - I'm so tired of experiencing this endless gnawing craving.

 

[polishhh25]

Hey, if your desires don't hurt anybody, then there is nothing wrong about it. Don't judge your life by the present situation, everything can change in the future :) I hope that at least writing this post here helped you a bit, have a great evening! ;)

 

[Captive of Mind]

So much of my suffering is caused by desire, longing, and craving (mostly sexual/romantic and unrealistic). Some of it is truly terrible and screwed up, some of it is more innocent and relatable, but very little of it is based on anything actually achievable, and this leads to a deep sense of despair. These things that feel incredibly important are also delusional or fantastical. There's no course of action to follow, no point at which contentment could be found - it's a recipe for depression. My mind is constantly telling itself: 'Hey, look at this thing that's essential and totally vital to your happiness! Yeah, you can't have that!'

I have no idea how to respond to this experience. It seems intolerable. It dominates such a huge part of my mind. Just this endless cycle of wanting, craving, regret, shame and self-hatred. It seems most people gain some level of fulfilment and contentment from romantic attachments and sexual encounters. But I just can't imagine that for myself - my mind is simply too fucked up. I'm constantly being torn between the different aspects of my desire - with the result that no result would ever seem satisfactory.
If it was a casual encounter I'd want more. If it was a long term thing I'd want out. If it somehow fulfilled my darker fantasies I'd feel guilty and disgusted with myself. These conflicts within would make me miserable regardless of outcome.

If I'm correct and there is no way to resolve these feelings, then it seems from a self-interested point of view I should end myself. Being trapped in this state doesn't seem like a life worth living. And someone as mentally twisted as me probably shouldn't exist in the world. But then there's the massive impact it would have on my family to take into account. And the fact that it would require overcoming all of that incredibly strong desire. Most of these parts of me really don't want to die. They want me to pursue whatever unrealistic or catastrophic path they're fixated on.

I really don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know if self-destruction is the rational course. Or if I should find some way to eliminate this part of myself. Or if, as an ape with a desire to replicate, it's just necessary to find some way to fulfil that, regardless of how wrong it might go or how meaningless it might be. I don't have a fucking clue how to be this - I'm so tired of experiencing this endless gnawing craving.

It seems like you'd much rather live if you could take care of that one aspect of your life. Something that your issue immediately reminded me of are things like Buddhism. Their teachings revolve around a practical methods to mitigate desires. And there are Philosophies like stoicism which have teachings that would help with your situation. Both of these are hard paths to take and many are not able to do it, but it might allow you to deal with this issue.

 

[OrdinaryDay]

I am very uncomfortable with how much I relate. When I read something like this it feels like I look at my own reflection and this reflection is crippled and ugly but I still recognize myself.

 

[SpinTop555]

My mind is constantly telling itself: 'Hey, look at this thing that's essential and totally vital to your happiness! Yeah, you can't have that!'

This, I can absolutely relate to. I can't relate to sexual fantasies aspect, but in more of a general happiness/security/confidence/self esteem/self worth sense. For life to be worth living, I'd need those things, and for the emptiness to somehow be filled (although those things would likely do it), but I'm afraid those things are forever out of reach for me...

 

[kane]

Hey, if your desires don't hurt anybody, then there is nothing wrong about it. Don't judge your life by the present situation, everything can change in the future :) I hope that at least writing this post here helped you a bit, have a great evening! ;)

Many of my desires would be harmful if acted upon. But there's also a sense in which any relationship I engage in would be harmful/deceptive, because it puts the other person at great risk of emotional hurt if they ever discovered the messed up truth about me.

It seems like you'd much rather live if you could take care of that one aspect of your life. Something that your issue immediately reminded me of are things like Buddhism. Their teachings revolve around a practical methods to mitigate desires. And there are Philosophies like stoicism which have teachings that would help with your situation. Both of these are hard paths to take and many are not able to do it, but it might allow you to deal with this issue.

Those are the kind of answers I often arrive at. I suppose it's that I'm deeply resistant to following through - there's a sense in which my desires don't want to be diminished in any way. But I suppose that's kind of the point. Perhaps if I meditate enough then I'll be able to avoid causing myself such unnecessary suffering. I'd be interested if there's any specific teachings or methods you'd recommend.

 

[Pupu]

Those are the kind of answers I often arrive at. I suppose it's that I'm deeply resistant to following through - there's a sense in which my desires don't want to be diminished in any way. But I suppose that's kind of the point. Perhaps if I meditate enough then I'll be able to avoid causing myself such unnecessary suffering. I'd be interested if there's any specific teachings or methods you'd recommend.

Partly I feel the same what you wrote on your first post. But about this I quoted, perhaps you're in similar situation as I am. In a limbo. There are certain things that could actually help you, make you feel a bit better but not perfect (because that is impossible to everyone) but somehow you want to stick in present situation. I'm sorry I can't be helpful and maybe it is discouraging to say this, but if you're not taking steps to any direction you continue being in that limbo. Maybe that is how it will continue or by time something "clicks" or you slowly start to rest towards some direction and that way solve out your situation. Not that it will be perfect once again, but more tolerable.

 

[kane]

Partly I feel the same what you wrote on your first post. But about this I quoted, perhaps you're in similar situation as I am. In a limbo. There are certain things that could actually help you, make you feel a bit better but not perfect (because that is impossible to everyone) but somehow you want to stick in present situation. I'm sorry I can't be helpful and maybe it is discouraging to say this, but if you're not taking steps to any direction you continue being in that limbo. Maybe that is how it will continue or by time something "clicks" or you slowly start to rest towards some direction and that way solve out your situation. Not that it will be perfect once again, but more tolerable.

I can identify with being in a state of limbo. I think maybe for me it's a lack of confidence/belief in the things that might help me and make me feel a bit better, combined with attachment to current self-destructive patterns. There are things I might not be able to give up, even if overall it would leave me feeling better, because the positive attachments in my mind are too strong.

 

[Captive of Mind]

Many of my desires would be harmful if acted upon. But there's also a sense in which any relationship I engage in would be harmful/deceptive, because it puts the other person at great risk of emotional hurt if they ever discovered the messed up truth about me.

Those are the kind of answers I often arrive at. I suppose it's that I'm deeply resistant to following through - there's a sense in which my desires don't want to be diminished in any way. But I suppose that's kind of the point. Perhaps if I meditate enough then I'll be able to avoid causing myself such unnecessary suffering. I'd be interested if there's any specific teachings or methods you'd recommend.

I totally get what you mean by wanting to hold on to your desires. Haha, it sounds ridiculous not to, right? Meditation is a tool to guide the process along, but the change will come from the teachings.

I've recommended this one sole thing to so many people because it was a game changer for me. Sam Harris has an app called "Waking Up". He is a neuroscientist and philosopher who has been learning about meditation and Buddhism for 30 years. Many of those years he spent learning under renowned Buddhist teachers. Sam is articulate and explains these things more clearly than I've ever heard before. You get the first month free and he gives a free year for anyone who emails him about it. After over a year of getting it for free, you'll know if it helps you or not.

If you understand what he is saying and apply it for long enough, it will make life better and easier to deal with. I can't even explain how much it has helped me battle off suicide, depression, pain, and trauma. Got me through some tough times. I would listen to it every day while I was driving at one point. If you get it, let me know and I'll tell you the best lessons to listen to.

 

[Meditation guide]

So much of my suffering is caused by desire, longing, and craving (mostly sexual/romantic and unrealistic). Some of it is truly terrible and screwed up, some of it is more innocent and relatable, but very little of it is based on anything actually achievable, and this leads to a deep sense of despair. These things that feel incredibly important are also delusional or fantastical. There's no course of action to follow, no point at which contentment could be found - it's a recipe for depression. My mind is constantly telling itself: 'Hey, look at this thing that's essential and totally vital to your happiness! Yeah, you can't have that!'

I have no idea how to respond to this experience. It seems intolerable. It dominates such a huge part of my mind. Just this endless cycle of wanting, craving, regret, shame and self-hatred. It seems most people gain some level of fulfilment and contentment from romantic attachments and sexual encounters. But I just can't imagine that for myself - my mind is simply too fucked up. I'm constantly being torn between the different aspects of my desire - with the result that no result would ever seem satisfactory.
If it was a casual encounter I'd want more. If it was a long term thing I'd want out. If it somehow fulfilled my darker fantasies I'd feel guilty and disgusted with myself. These conflicts within would make me miserable regardless of outcome.

If I'm correct and there is no way to resolve these feelings, then it seems from a self-interested point of view I should end myself. Being trapped in this state doesn't seem like a life worth living. And someone as mentally twisted as me probably shouldn't exist in the world. But then there's the massive impact it would have on my family to take into account. And the fact that it would require overcoming all of that incredibly strong desire. Most of these parts of me really don't want to die. They want me to pursue whatever unrealistic or catastrophic path they're fixated on.

I really don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know if self-destruction is the rational course. Or if I should find some way to eliminate this part of myself. Or if, as an ape with a desire to replicate, it's just necessary to find some way to fulfil that, regardless of how wrong it might go or how meaningless it might be. I don't have a fucking clue how to be this - I'm so tired of experiencing this endless gnawing craving.

Do you have obsessive compulsive disorder?

 

[kane]

I totally get what you mean by wanting to hold on to your desires. Haha, it sounds ridiculous not to, right? Meditation is a tool to guide the process along, but the change will come from the teachings.

I've recommended this one sole thing to so many people because it was a game changer for me. Sam Harris has an app called "Waking Up". He is a neuroscientist and philosopher who has been learning about meditation and Buddhism for 30 years. Many of those years he spent learning under renowned Buddhist teachers. Sam is articulate and explains these things more clearly than I've ever heard before. You get the first month free and he gives a free year for anyone who emails him about it. After over a year of getting it for free, you'll know if it helps you or not.

If you understand what he is saying and apply it for long enough, it will make life better and easier to deal with. I can't even explain how much it has helped me battle off suicide, depression, pain, and trauma. Got me through some tough times. I would listen to it every day while I was driving at one point. If you get it, let me know and I'll tell you the best lessons to listen to.

I've actually been signed up to the Waking Up app for years. I've just never gotten beyond four days in to the intro course . Something in my mind is just incredibly resistant to actually doing it. There's always something else I have to do first, or I'm too tired to focus on it. I'll plan in time in my day to do it and then just won't. I agree Sam Harris is articulate and everything he says makes sense. It's just...like I said, some part of me really resists the process. Maybe my anxieties/neuroses don't want to let go of any control. Anyway, would be interested in your recommendations of lessons (think I listened to a few when I first got the app.)

Do you have obsessive compulsive disorder?

I don't believe so, though there are certainly obsessive and compulsive elements to my thoughts and behaviour.

 

[Captive of Mind]

I've actually been signed up to the Waking Up app for years. I've just never gotten beyond four days in to the intro course . Something in my mind is just incredibly resistant to actually doing it. There's always something else I have to do first, or I'm too tired to focus on it. I'll plan in time in my day to do it and then just won't. I agree Sam Harris is articulate and everything he says makes sense. It's just...like I said, some part of me really resists the process. Maybe my anxieties/neuroses don't want to let go of any control. Anyway, would be interested in your recommendations of lessons (think I listened to a few when I first got the app.)

I don't believe so, though there are certainly obsessive and compulsive elements to my thoughts and behaviour.

That makes me happy to hear that you knew of the app for so long! And that you appreciate Sam Harris.

Ohh shit! I see what the problem could be! The guided meditation practices have a lot of information in them, but it would make things go much more smoothly if you listen to the lessons first. Doing the practices first is like working on a house without laying the foundation. Here are three lessons that would be good to start with: The power of regret, begin again, and solving problems. All of them together is about 15 minutes. You could even listen to one of them right now because they're so short. It also doesn't take as much concentration and effort as the meditation does so you could do it while driving or walking.

And I feel for you, obsessive compulsive traits have really dragged me down in life. If there is any remedy for it, then it's the teachings we're talking about. But it can be deceptively difficult to use them.

 

[Weary Soul]

I have done a lot of stupid things when I was younger because I was so starved for affection. I used to look back on it and be so ashamed of myself.

I don't do this anymore, because I was starved, and it seems to me to be a natural reaction to such deprivation.

I am not saying this is the case for you - it is likely different for everyone because of life experiences, brain chemistry... etc. In essence at any given moment, we are perfectly imperfect.

One of the tenets I live by is to do no harm.

There is nothing wrong with you and please do not think badly about yourself as long as those fantasies do not harm someone other than you (that is where I would draw a line).

I am sorry this tortures you, but please do not put your self down or think less of yourself.

<3

 

[kane]

That makes me happy to hear that you knew of the app for so long! And that you appreciate Sam Harris.

Ohh shit! I see what the problem could be! The guided meditation practices have a lot of information in them, but it would make things go much more smoothly if you listen to the lessons first. Doing the practices first is like working on a house without laying the foundation. Here are three lessons that would be good to start with: The power of regret, begin again, and solving problems. All of them together is about 15 minutes. You could even listen to one of them right now because they're so short. It also doesn't take as much concentration and effort as the meditation does so you could do it while driving or walking.

And I feel for you, obsessive compulsive traits have really dragged me down in life. If there is any remedy for it, then it's the teachings we're talking about. But it can be deceptively difficult to use them.

Yes, I've been a fan of his podcast for a long time. Thanks for the recommendations, I listened and they all made sense, as he usually does. But there's just this kind of stubborn resistance to actually taking it on board. It's like some part of me is really attached to being dysfunctional and miserable. Still, I'll try and stick with it more this time and hopefully it'll eventually get integrated into my actual mindset.

 

[Captive of Mind]

Yes, I've been a fan of his podcast for a long time. Thanks for the recommendations, I listened and they all made sense, as he usually does. But there's just this kind of stubborn resistance to actually taking it on board. It's like some part of me is really attached to being dysfunctional and miserable. Still, I'll try and stick with it more this time and hopefully it'll eventually get integrated into my actual mindset.

I appreciate you giving my recommendations a shot. Don't think you are alone, most people have that same resistance to these things. Your last statement holds truth, it took a long time for me to get to where the teachings were benefiting my everyday life. Try turning on 5-10 mins per day even if you aren't able to take it all in. Just the habit of turning it on might get momentum going. It could be that these methods and philosophies aren't suited to you. In which case, there might be someone else who speaks to you more.