Venting Don't know how to be useful, or beat my survival insticts so I'm suffering in limbo.

[quiet.rabbit]

It's the same thing everywhere I go. Everyone always ignores me, I just don't know how to make people care. Even in this site people just end up not talking to me after they have one dull conversation with me. t's clear I will never have a lover, not even a friend, and I don't find a life like that is worth fighting for. So back in August I had planmed to use my SN. I ended up giving my SN to my brother and he threw it away. I did this because I was scared and extremely lonely. I wanted to have somebody with me. He was supportive but he quickly got tired of me and still ignores me like before. I was just born so dull and boring, and everything points to death being the best option but I can't get over SI and the risk of permanemt damage. I feel like telling him all this but he would just get mad or show fake sympathy again. I don't care about hobbies or job or anything but wanting a friend. I guess that's the problem but like what can I even do about that? Its a natural human desire... I bet if I were pretty I could have more love in my life, even if it isn`t real it would be better than having no option to even have some fun. It hurts to know suicide is the best option I got as much as I hate it.

HOW DO I GET A GOOD QUALITY? HOW DO I GET A SOCIAL ROLE?
If I can't even answer that then what is the point. My teeth have started decaying I havent opened my collegee emails for more than a year I have no reason to go because I NEED TO BE ABLE TO MAKE CONNECTIONS BUT I AM TOO STUPID AND BLAND.

EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.
And then even if I do ,amage to solve my problem after seeing my mortality I realize life itself os a joke. Existentially. Even if I run now, it will come. The only guarantee in my life is a terrible death. Not like I will. Right I NEED TO GET USED TO THE ODEA THAT MY ONLY LOFE LACKS 99% OF EXPIRIENCE AND KNOWLEDGE.

Im so lonely! Touchstarved!
I CANT even work in mcdonalds because I am so slowww.... i am too slow and lazy. Its hard to understand things.

 

[Shadowplay]

I used to feel the same way; I wasn't anywhere near as stupid and bland as I thought. You mention you don't wanna do hobbies and I get that, but hobbies and interests are a great way to connect. They're a great way to connect and meet people. I know that is hard when you're depressed so I'm not sayign it is easy, but chess, decoupage, dogs, reading group, film lovers? Anything? For example, if you dig anime meet up with other anime people. Don't focus on being liked or making friends, or impressing with knowledge of anime, just try to be open about what you love and try to listen to others about what they love.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I also don't have any friends anymore... But purposely. So I know how that loneliness feels. I also am useless and never ever expect to be able to hold a job anymore. I don't talk to my family anymore or anyone. I became boring too because im so depressed im not interested in having conversations.

Btw, you express yourself really well in your text, so you can't be thaaat stupid ;) hehe sorry for trying positive. I hate when people try to be positive.

If you need someone to talk to you can PM me :) As I mentioned I don't talk to ANYONE, so I have plenty of time.

 

[quiet.rabbit]

To make matters worse I have PCOS and so I have hair in places im not supposed to... so its not that im just not pretty, Im UGLY and UNNATURAL.

I used to feel the same way; I wasn't anywhere near as stupid and bland as I thought. You mention you don't wanna do hobbies and I get that, but hobbies and interests are a great way to connect. They're a great way to connect and meet people. I know that is hard when you're depressed so I'm not sayign it is easy, but chess, decoupage, dogs, reading group, film lovers? Anything? For example, if you dig anime meet up with other anime people. Don't focus on being liked or making friends, or impressing with knowledge of anime, just try to be open about what you love and try to listen to others about what they love.

Im not depressed though, and I know because whe I talked to some gkrl and thought we were having fun I felt really light and all my anxiety went away I was talking with total strangers and doing my work with ease. Turns out she was just trying to convert me into her religion because she found me vulnerable...I just dont entertain anybody since Im just bland. Really I like anime yes but what do I even say aboug it? I dont know how people even formulate things to SAY. Ive gone to anime clubs back in middle school and even though I watch a lot of anime I still dont have much to say and Im easy to ignore. I lack an unique personality trait. Spice.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you feel ignored. I understand that loneliness can be painful. People can be disappointing and can let you down which is why I always choose to stay away. I am very introverted though anyway. Fear of failure of ctb is what holds me back as well and of course it is difficult to exit this world as we are programmed to survive. We all deserve a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. I wish you the best.

 

[hopelessgirl]

To make matters worse I have PCOS and so I have hair in places im not supposed to... so its not that im just not pretty, Im UGLY and UNNATURAL.

Im not depressed though, and I know because whe I talked to some gkrl and thought we were having fun I felt really light and all my anxiety went away I was talking with total strangers and doing my work with ease. Turns out she was just trying to convert me into her religion because she found me vulnerable...I just dont entertain anybody since Im just bland. Really I like anime yes but what do I even say aboug it? I dont know how people even formulate things to SAY. Ive gone to anime clubs back in middle school and even though I watch a lot of anime I still dont have much to say and Im easy to ignore. I lack an unique personality trait. Spice.

I've always also been told that im quiet.. even more now with the depression.. I don't even care anymore. I used to say that "well, if I don't have anything important to say, I don't". And people actually respected that.. But I have been able to be quite charismatic and people use to like hanging around me.. So I must have been doing something right with my smalltalk back in the days. But that ability has completely disappeared for now.

I guess people like to talk about series and loots of random stuff. Making jokes and such? Actually, a lot of conversations do not have a lot of content.. That's why I don't like smalltalking because I like to talk about the important deep dark stuff like philosophy.

But im sure you could google how to smalltalk and maybe that could help you? Also, remember, the feeling of being bland and ignored, is oftentimes most in our heads. People don't really care that much I think. With a smile and relaxed shoulders, some random small comments and jokes, you can get a long way :-)

Sorry if this doesn't help AT ALL. My ideas might not be the best. Just want to contribute with the little I can, even though it might not be the at all helpful. Anyways, I've noticed that when I'm depressed and not feeling self confident, it is a lot harder to socialise and talk to people.. So maybe work on your self love/confidence? I know you feel ugly, I do to, and I know how awful it feels and how it is hard to get out there with that feeling. But I don't think people judge as much as we think. I could ofc be totally wrong. But yeah.

Personally, I think life itself is dull. So I've decided that Im out.

 

[quiet.rabbit]

I've always also been told that im quiet.. even more now with the depression.. I don't even care anymore. I used to say that "well, if I don't have anything important to say, I don't". And people actually respected that.. But I have been able to be quite charismatic and people use to like hanging around me.. So I must have been doing something right with my smalltalk back in the days. But that ability has completely disappeared for now.

I guess people like to talk about series and loots of random stuff. Making jokes and such? Actually, a lot of conversations do not have a lot of content.. That's why I don't like smalltalking because I like to talk about the important deep dark stuff like philosophy.

But im sure you could google how to smalltalk and maybe that could help you? Also, remember, the feeling of being bland and ignored, is oftentimes most in our heads. People don't really care that much I think. With a smile and relaxed shoulders, some random small comments and jokes, you can get a long way :-)

. What if I cant evwn come up with a comment or joke? Another issue is how do you know what the other person wants to hear? Like I have foumd topics to talk about but people get bored easily. They can also tell somehow that I havemt talked to people much before.

I only know Im bland because people have told me directly in the past. After that further observation confirmed this. I guess its one of those things you either have or dont.

 

[hopelessgirl]

. What if I cant evwn come up with a comment or joke? Another issue is how do you know what the other person wants to hear? Like I have foumd topics to talk about but people get bored easily. They can also tell somehow that I havemt talked to people much before.

I only know Im bland because people have told me directly in the past. After that further observation confirmed this. I guess its one of those things you either have or dont.

Yeah... I know that feeling. I've heard somewhere that one could watch like comedy shows/series and that will teach you how to have those random smalltalks with people.. Maybe that could be something you could try? To learn it?

Nowadays I can only have real meaningful conversations with weed. I REALLY feel alive then. But only with two specific friends when I can talk about philosophy.

 

[Shadowplay]

To make matters worse I have PCOS and so I have hair in places im not supposed to... so its not that im just not pretty, Im UGLY and UNNATURAL.

Im not depressed though, and I know because whe I talked to some gkrl and thought we were having fun I felt really light and all my anxiety went away I was talking with total strangers and doing my work with ease. Turns out she was just trying to convert me into her religion because she found me vulnerable...I just dont entertain anybody since Im just bland. Really I like anime yes but what do I even say aboug it? I dont know how people even formulate things to SAY. Ive gone to anime clubs back in middle school and even though I watch a lot of anime I still dont have much to say and Im easy to ignore. I lack an unique personality trait. Spice.

Look I'm shy and introverted, and not good at small talk at all. I would look at stuff on YouTube about small talk, seriously. In terms of talking about anime, maybe look up critics on YouTube and/or Reddit, or read reviews elsewhere. Start with what you like and don't like - shows, characters, series, plots, etc. You'll find it hard at first probably, but you'll get better. I obsess over TV shows and movies, at times at least, so this is second nature. It can be quite interesting to figure why you like or dislike something. Also compare and contrast shows - A had better action, but the plot in B was more interesting and unexpected.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I second watching YouTube to get better at small talk. I became a lot more comfortable with conversation after watching Let's Plays and podcasts with multiple people in them. At the very least you'll pick up on what topics could interest people.