Don't have a real reason any

[Alexa]

I'm not sure how to feel and I need to vent to people who have a different opinion than my psychologist.

So, I have a pretty messed up family and long story short it ended in me getting "truamatic shit keeps happening to me" type ptsd, I've attempted suicide a couple times, how many depends on what your standards are for attempts and last time it was in April 2018, didn't die, just fucked up my body. Every single time the reason has been that I was hopeless and didn't have any help and how every time I asked it was like talking into a void, nothing ever came of it. But now I have weekly appointments with a psychologist and soon I'll have a two week long assessment in a mental hospital, which is good. I'm willing to recover, I want to recover. I don't care what you guys think about that, I don't care if that means I'm not "bad enough" to be here, but that's where I'm at at the moment.

I just want to understand like, why do I still want to die? Why do I keep finding myself back here? I have what I wanted but I still want to die. My mental health has definitely got better and I do appreciate the help, but I'm confused. Sorry for rambling so much.

 

[J.E. Morrow]

I think that the way you are feeling is totally normal. Right now you are transitioning to a better state of mind, but I guess it must take time.
I'm glad to hear that your therapy is helping you to recover, I guess this means that there's still hope for those who are not sure about ctb yet. And don't worry, I don't think there is a "standard" of how bad one must be to be in here.

 

[firedragon135]

I'm not sure how to feel and I need to vent to people who have a different opinion than my psychologist.

So, I have a pretty messed up family and long story short it ended in me getting "truamatic shit keeps happening to me" type ptsd, I've attempted suicide a couple times, how many depends on what your standards are for attempts and last time it was in April 2018, didn't die, just fucked up my body. Every single time the reason has been that I was hopeless and didn't have any help and how every time I asked it was like talking into a void, nothing ever came of it. But now I have weekly appointments with a psychologist and soon I'll have a two week long assessment in a mental hospital, which is good. I'm willing to recover, I want to recover. I don't care what you guys think about that, I don't care if that means I'm not "bad enough" to be here, but that's where I'm at at the moment.

I just want to understand like, why do I still want to die? Why do I keep finding myself back here? I have what I wanted but I still want to die. My mental health has definitely got better and I do appreciate the help, but I'm confused. Sorry for rambling so much.

i guess it will take time for you to get your vision straight again. Depression fucks up our view of life and lets us only see the negative right? It took us quite some time to fuck us up, months, years, decades. You are familliar with the feeling of wanting to run away when stuff gets hard so that's probably why you still think about ctb. It's normal for you to think in those ways and it will take some times until you have a healthy view on life again. You should focus on what your psychiater tells you tbh

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I think those of us with severe trauma background missed something vital for our health/development, for me it was someone outside of myself wanting me to live!! I had to finally say suicide is not an option and focus on living best I could, leaning how to take care of myself and those are very difficult to do when your doing them all alone! I had a therapist who helped me and genuinely cared and frankly when our parenting has allowed for trauma or caused it those we trust most let us down in the worst way....I cannot remember now all the language as my brain is deteriorating but when I was younger and trying to heal the cptsd choosing to live was a huge part of the equation!! I don't know why you personally keep coming back to suicide but for now if recovery is your goal then focus on it as best you can! Hope this helps a bit....and pushing it away as an option doesn't mean you cannot explore it later if need be! I was able to put it off for 40+years so that's something....good luck dear and don't worry what anyone thinks, you do you!!
Hugs

 

[21Neberg]

I've read people on here with horrible experiences, they always give me the feelings that my craving for death isn't justified...

 

[TheCrow]

I personally think depressed people are just people that have a more realistic view on life, and that they don't necessarily need to be fixed. Life is suffering, and I don't feel that someone that's taken a lot of psychology classes somehow knows more about the mysteries of life and can convince me otherwise. I realize that wanting to ctb is taking that a step further, but I feel it's not really that irrational a response to life. Life sucks. I don't think it's too crazy to keep realizing that and wanting to do something about it.

That being said, there can be many reasons to live, but I think it comes from within. It's whether or not you find value in the relationships with your family and friends, whether or not you are able to overcome trauma, whether or not you find a sense of purpose, whether or not you see a point to life, etc. Some can do it, some can't. I personally can't.

I hope that you are able to find your way and be able to climb back up out of this rotten depression and desire to ctb and find a way to make life more pleasant. It sounds like you want to get better, and I hope that you are able to. If not, that's ok, too.

 

[Eren]

It is normal to have ups and downs even when you are improving, I am very happy that the therapy is helping you, my advice is that you try to recover if you think you still have hope, I wish you the best.

 

[firedragon135]

I personally think depressed people are just people that have a more realistic view on life, and that they don't necessarily need to be fixed. Life is suffering, and I don't feel that someone that's taken a lot of psychology classes somehow knows more about the mysteries of life and can convince me otherwise. I realize that wanting to ctb is taking that a step further, but I feel it's not really that irrational a response to life. Life sucks. I don't think it's too crazy to keep realizing that and wanting to do something about it.

That being said, there can be many reasons to live, but I think it comes from within. It's whether or not you find value in the relationships with your family and friends, whether or not you are able to overcome trauma, whether or not you find a sense of purpose, whether or not you see a point to life, etc. Some can do it, some can't. I personally can't.

I hope that you are able to find your way and be able to climb back up out of this rotten depression and desire to ctb and find a way to make life more pleasant. It sounds like you want to get better, and I hope that you are able to. If not, that's ok, too.

I guess i have to disagree BIG time. People with depression have no realistic view on anything anymore. Their negative thoughts got such a strong hold on them that they get controlled by negative thoughts and negative emotions. Depression is not the real world view, it's a mental sickness which a lot of people develop. Life is not suffering, life is a journey from one point of your life to another. What you make of it is your doing. The world and life itself is neither positive nor negative, it's what YOU make of it. If you fight for happyness in life, you will get it and be happy, if you just give up and see everything negative you will get depressed and see only the bad things in life. Like Bob Kelso said: nothing in life that's worth having comes easy. Life is hard cause you have to work and dedicate yourself to get happy and the good stuff in life. Depression is just the easy way of giving up and saying everything just sucks and life is bad.

 

[TheCrow]

Life is not suffering

Well, I guess 535 million Buddhists might have to disagree with you BIG time. But you think you're right, and I think I'm right. So, whatever.

 

[Eren]

I personally think depressed people are just people that have a more realistic view on life

Completely, the typical phrases "positive, motivating etc ..." are usually false ...

 

[TheCrow]

Completely, the typical phrases "positive, motivating etc ..." are usually false ...

Seriously.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I guess i have to disagree BIG time. People with depression have no realistic view on anything anymore. Their negative thoughts got such a strong hold on them that they get controlled by negative thoughts and negative emotions. Depression is not the real world view, it's a mental sickness which a lot of people develop. Life is not suffering, life is a journey from one point of your life to another. What you make of it is your doing. The world and life itself is neither positive nor negative, it's what YOU make of it. If you fight for happyness in life, you will get it and be happy, if you just give up and see everything negative you will get depressed and see only the bad things in life. Like Bob Kelso said: nothing in life that's worth having comes easy. Life is hard cause you have to work and dedicate yourself to get happy and the good stuff in life. Depression is just the easy way of giving up and saying everything just sucks and life is bad.

I SO don't agree with you....if you really believe that more power to you but to say that life is neither good or bad it's what we make of it?? Bullshit. I have done my absolutely best to fight against negativity and while it has helped in some ways opinions like yours invalidate my fight!! Because it's like your saying I didn't try hard enough to just be positive. Also bullshit.
I had NO control over how horrifically abused I was a small child. Yes my reaction to it is my responsibility but I won't let it go that life isn't bad because it sure can be. There are evil people out there we can't control.
You can have your opinion obviously but not sure how you think saying this crap will do anything other then stir people up. Those of us who are struggling with depression so deep suicide is the best option. Maybe that's what you wanted?? So instead of getting riled up myself I'm gonna just let it go but be aware that making generalizations that the population already has and pushes on us won't get you too far here.....it's never as black and white as you seem to think....nothing is "easy" about depression and while some may choose it there are many more who can't control it.
See I'm angry and defensive and guessing that was the reaction you wanted....feel better now???
Why would you want to make someone feel.worse then they already do???

 

[Jake88]

I'm not sure how to feel and I need to vent to people who have a different opinion than my psychologist.

So, I have a pretty messed up family and long story short it ended in me getting "truamatic shit keeps happening to me" type ptsd, I've attempted suicide a couple times, how many depends on what your standards are for attempts and last time it was in April 2018, didn't die, just fucked up my body. Every single time the reason has been that I was hopeless and didn't have any help and how every time I asked it was like talking into a void, nothing ever came of it. But now I have weekly appointments with a psychologist and soon I'll have a two week long assessment in a mental hospital, which is good. I'm willing to recover, I want to recover. I don't care what you guys think about that, I don't care if that means I'm not "bad enough" to be here, but that's where I'm at at the moment.

I just want to understand like, why do I still want to die? Why do I keep finding myself back here? I have what I wanted but I still want to die. My mental health has definitely got better and I do appreciate the help, but I'm confused. Sorry for rambling so much.

Good luck in your recovery. I come from an extremely fucked up family myself, so I understand the havoc it can wreak on you even long after you've gotten away from them.

It instilled many different kinds of mental illness in me. Certain ones cycle out of my control without having any direct relation to anything that has occurred recently.

Plenty of wealthy and famous people that appear to have everything one could want... also want to die. It affects everyone. Don't feel guilty for feeling any way you feel and try not to compare your problems to people you deem worse off.

Are they? Things you have might drastically change their outlook. Who is really worse off? Maybe they feel like they'll never have the things you have... I'm not arguing for either side, I'm just showing how perception and the ensuing perspective can be altered. I can paint most things out to be incredibly good or incredibly evil solely depending on which way I spin the ball.

 

[color_me_gone]

I need to vent

You have come to the right place, we love venting.

I want to recover.

We are pro-choice.
We embrace people who want to recover as much as we embrace people who see no other way out.

I just want to understand like, why do I still want to die?

You have severe ongoing depression - but duh, you already knew that, right?

So what causes depression, and how do you fix it.
Well, that is a problem the mental health industry has been struggling with for years.
And frankly, in my opinion, they are still hacking away at the tip of the iceberg.

Here is the way I see it, with help from articles on the Internet.

The brain contains a reward system, the reward is the chemicals: Oxytocin and Dopamine (among others).
These rewards are released when we receive praise from other people, a sense of acceptance and belonging,
sense of accomplishment for something we have done, love and relationships, kind social interactions, etc.
When these chemicals are released, it is euphoric.
It is fairly long lasting. It provides us with a coping mechanism to deal with conflicts and hostilities we encounter.

When the brain is starved of Oxytocin and Dopamine, it starts feeling like shit.
It feels worthless, unloved, empty, helpless, hopeless, burden to society, and self hating.
These are exactly the feelings of depression.

So what causes starvation of Oxytocin and Dopamine?

I see it as a two fold problem:

1. Some brains, for whatever reason, are stingy with releasing this reward system when it should be released.
This would be a genetic / biological problem.

2. Some people never receive the proper outside stimulus necessary to release the rewards.
This would be the lack of unconditional love from parents, abuse, abusive relationships, lack of acceptance by others.
This is a societal problem.

Sometimes, both of these can come into play, making the problem oh so much worse.

So how to fix?
It depends on the severity of the problem: how deep is the depression, and how long as it been going on.
Meds and therapy are pretty good fixes if the problem is not too severe.
If the problem is severe, those solutions will only be, at best, temporary solutions.
This, I speak from my own experience.

In order to get your brain to release the rewards, you need to feel good about yourself.
Yeh, right - how do you do THAT? Tough question.

All I can offer is what has worked for me: Meditation. I know, sounds crazy.
I have used meditation to forgive myself. forgive others, love myself, and love others.
It has not eliminated the sadness I feel, but I can certainly cope with dealing with the hostilities of life.

Good luck to you, Alex, I am wishing you the best!

 

[Eren]

I guess i have to disagree BIG time. People with depression have no realistic view on anything anymore. Their negative thoughts got such a strong hold on them that they get controlled by negative thoughts and negative emotions. Depression is not the real world view, it's a mental sickness which a lot of people develop. Life is not suffering, life is a journey from one point of your life to another. What you make of it is your doing. The world and life itself is neither positive nor negative, it's what YOU make of it. If you fight for happyness in life, you will get it and be happy, if you just give up and see everything negative you will get depressed and see only the bad things in life. Like Bob Kelso said: nothing in life that's worth having comes easy. Life is hard cause you have to work and dedicate yourself to get happy and the good stuff in life. Depression is just the easy way of giving up and saying everything just sucks and life is bad.

I do not agree with you but I respect your comment.

The reasons for CTB vary a lot from each person, some of us want CTB due to "internal conflicts" aspects that we do not like about ourselves and that will NEVER change.

 

[Jake88]

@Thewhowithin69 I agree with both of you guys. Mostly you.

@firedragon135 is terribly wrong to insist that life is neither positive nor negative and is simply what you make it. Ones life experience tends to be what creates the positive or negative outlook we have.

People who have had incredibly positive experiences with society and chance, such as athletes or famous people? Are often incredibly positive about life and often praise God and everything else.

People who have depression? Often don't believe in God, and are very pessimistic about society because their outlook is derived from their experiences within said society.

You are entirely lacking understanding and empathy to suggest that somebody who was tormented and abused their whole life, often by society or even family, can CHOOSE to wake up tomorrow with the same outlook LeBron James or Tom Brady has from their oodles of positive life experience.

However, one thing he said was correct. When severely depressed, we actually aren't more realistic as much as we'd like to believe that. We are more pessimistic. Realism is the neutral ground for optimism and pessimism. We tend to twist things (including negative things) into being far more negative than they are. That is actually factual. Like the opposite of those people who are ridiculously positive to the point I just want to slap them in their smug face.

When I'm doing better? I know that my feelings were valid, but also incredibly jaded and skewed by extremism.

I just found it really interesting that I could agree and disagree with somebody so strongly in the same post.

 

[firedragon135]

@Thewhowithin69 I agree with both of you guys. Mostly you.

@firedragon135 is terribly wrong to insist that life is neither positive nor negative and is simply what you make it. Ones life experience tends to be what creates the positive or negative outlook we have.

People who have had incredibly positive experiences with society and chance, such as athletes or famous people? Are often incredibly positive about life and often praise God and everything else.

People who have depression? Often don't believe in God, and are very pessimistic about society because their outlook is derived from their experiences within said society.

You are entirely lacking understanding and empathy to suggest that somebody who was tormented and abused their whole life, often by society or even family, can CHOOSE to wake up tomorrow with the same outlook LeBron James or Tom Brady has from their oodles of positive life experience.

However, one thing he said was correct. When severely depressed, we actually aren't more realistic as much as we'd like to believe that. We are more pessimistic. Realism is the neutral ground for optimism and pessimism. We tend to twist things (including negative things) into being far more negative than they are. That is actually factual. Like the opposite of those people who are ridiculously positive to the point I just want to slap them in their smug face.

When I'm doing better? I know that my feelings were valid, but also incredibly jaded and skewed by extremism.

I just found it really interesting that I could agree and disagree with somebody so strongly in the same post.

I didn't insisted on anything. I just gave my opinion and my thoughts which contridicted what was written to maybe get another person to maybe think about it, nothing more and nothing less. I don't know how my writing is received bc my mother tongue is russian and german so maybe i wrote it wrong or it sounded harder than it would sound in german. I just wanted to give someone another opinion and something to think about. But i personally think that a lot of depressed people THINK they are right and see life correct and true with their skewed and negative view on life but it's not all that true. And ofc there are all those people who got abused and tortured in life and life IS unfair to them, but i know a shitton of people who got abused and still got their life on tracks again. My best friend was raped when she was young still she got her life back on track and she has to fight from time to time but she is one of the strongest people i know. When i have problems i go to her and ask her advice. Even if bad stuff happens you always have a choice how you want to deal with it. That's all what i meant. I admire her because she went through a lot of shit and abuse and yet she still fights like a tiger

 

[JJ-NOHOPE]

I guess i have to disagree BIG time. People with depression have no realistic view on anything anymore. Their negative thoughts got such a strong hold on them that they get controlled by negative thoughts and negative emotions. Depression is not the real world view, it's a mental sickness which a lot of people develop. Life is not suffering, life is a journey from one point of your life to another. What you make of it is your doing. The world and life itself is neither positive nor negative, it's what YOU make of it. If you fight for happyness in life, you will get it and be happy, if you just give up and see everything negative you will get depressed and see only the bad things in life. Like Bob Kelso said: nothing in life that's worth having comes easy. Life is hard cause you have to work and dedicate yourself to get happy and the good stuff in life. Depression is just the easy way of giving up and saying everything just sucks and life is bad.

This is a very inflammatory post. Hard to ignore.

Many of the people on here are struggling with horrible issues and need understanding and empathy from others in similar situations.

None of us are CHOOSING to feel the way we do.

Done arguing about it. The more I look at your post the angrier I get.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I didn't insisted on anything. I just gave my opinion and my thoughts which contridicted what was written to maybe get another person to maybe think about it, nothing more and nothing less. I don't know how my writing is received bc my mother tongue is russian and german so maybe i wrote it wrong or it sounded harder than it would sound in german. I just wanted to give someone another opinion and something to think about. But i personally think that a lot of depressed people THINK they are right and see life correct and true with their skewed and negative view on life but it's not all that true. And ofc there are all those people who got abused and tortured in life and life IS unfair to them, but i know a shitton of people who got abused and still got their life on tracks again. My best friend was raped when she was young still she got her life back on track and she has to fight from time to time but she is one of the strongest people i know. When i have problems i go to her and ask her advice. Even if bad stuff happens you always have a choice how you want to deal with it. That's all what i meant. I admire her because she went through a lot of shit and abuse and yet she still fights like a tiger

Actually it helps to hear English is not your primary language...It didn't sound like you were simply giving another side to consider.but I also see how maybe you didn't mean it the way it came across.
My friend's would actually describe me the same way you describe your friend....the abuse I survived was horrific, to the point of gang rapes and my father killing my son to hide the fact he had raped me. And I continued to choose life even when all that shit made me crazy!! Sadly I think the abuse I lived thru, even though I was determined not to ever own that victim mentality, still damaged me too much to figure it all out now....I sure tried hard though and absolutely want to believe our attitude can change it all!! I believe it's very important but I'm here to tell you it doesn't change everything, it's only a part of the puzzle!! I guess because my own story was so horrific and I fought so hard to not be defined by the torture that was my childhood I was very sensitive to feeling like you were saying i wasn't trying hard enough. The way it was worded made me go there but maybe you didn't mean it like I took it. Thank you for trying to explain. And please I hope your friend really did get passed her own trauma but if she ever chooses ctb don't judge her too harshly....I hope that my friends will still believe I was the strongest person they knew....because even though I'm done now, I still think I'm pretty fucking amazing to have been so positive with so little going in my favor!! In fact I bought into that badass mentality so much that I'm having a hard time giving it up now....like it became a way of living to fight FOR life not against it. It's taking work to rationally choose suicide as the best option. I SO badly wanted to be that tiger that made it!! Well I mean longer then just 50yrs of age...but maybe I can just be ok with making it as long as I did....one of my abusers almost killed me at only 3 yrs of age so I suppose living any length of time was a success!!

 

[Jake88]

@Thewhowithin69 I hate reading about things like that. Not a complaint at all. In fact I read it out of respect to your anguish. I know people have had it far worse than I have. You were actually I'd hate to say textbook because nothing like this is, but somebody who has dealt with the vast amount of suffering I was trying to communicate.

What I was implying in my earlier message, was that some people as children have all of the happiness sucked right out of them from such a young age that they don't even know what happiness is.

How can that person just suddenly choose to be happy? It's almost like me saying I could choose to be transgender or gay tomorrow without knowing what that feels like. I can empathize with their struggle, but I can't choose to be like them just because I want to.

 

[firedragon135]

Actually it helps to hear English is not your primary language...It didn't sound like you were simply giving another side to consider.but I also see how maybe you didn't mean it the way it came across.
My friend's would actually describe me the same way you describe your friend....the abuse I survived was horrific, to the point of gang rapes and my father killing my son to hide the fact he had raped me. And I continued to choose life even when all that shit made me crazy!! Sadly I think the abuse I lived thru, even though I was determined not to ever own that victim mentality, still damaged me too much to figure it all out now....I sure tried hard though and absolutely want to believe our attitude can change it all!! I believe it's very important but I'm here to tell you it doesn't change everything, it's only a part of the puzzle!! I guess because my own story was so horrific and I fought so hard to not be defined by the torture that was my childhood I was very sensitive to feeling like you were saying i wasn't trying hard enough. The way it was worded made me go there but maybe you didn't mean it like I took it. Thank you for trying to explain. And please I hope your friend really did get passed her own trauma but if she ever chooses ctb don't judge her too harshly....I hope that my friends will still believe I was the strongest person they knew....because even though I'm done now, I still think I'm pretty fucking amazing to have been so positive with so little going in my favor!! In fact I bought into that badass mentality so much that I'm having a hard time giving it up now....like it became a way of living to fight FOR life not against it. It's taking work to rationally choose suicide as the best option. I SO badly wanted to be that tiger that made it!! Well I mean longer then just 50yrs of age...but maybe I can just be ok with making it as long as I did....one of my abusers almost killed me at only 3 yrs of age so I suppose living any length of time was a success!!

I didn't mean to insult someone or anything. I just disagreed with the point that depressed people see the "true world" and how it really is and i disagreed with this fact big times. I just meant that the world is not only brutal and everything is horrible in life and everyone is blind but depressed people. And the rest was just a try to cheer him up to maybe overthink his way of thinking of life. I guess i didn't get my point across really well, but that's the problem when you learn english by just watching movies and watching youtube videos i guess. You get some of the vocabulary but you don't get the little nuances which let people know you are just trying to let them know your opinion and that you want to cheer them up. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and i bet you tried your best to fight against what happened to you. I didn't mean to tell people that they just need to try hard to overcome everything bad in life. Ofc there are factors which we don't choose that makes life almost impossible for some people. I only meant if for example for me. I didn't suffer any abuse or physical pain so it's all just my head that tortures me and i need to get help and work on it. What i meant was just for people like me who didn't suffer any abuse or something like that.

 

[bigj75]

I've read people on here with horrible experiences, they always give me the feelings that my craving for death isn't justified...

Everytime i see a comment like this i say the same thing. "Suffering is subjective"

Everyone's threshold for pain is different. What experience may drive you to suicide may give someone else a bad day and then they get over it. That's why you can't tell someone to suck it up and get over it. Of course that doesn't mean don't try to get over it but if you truly can't get over it and move on then so be it. But nobody should criticize somebody else's reasons for suicide.

 

[Thewhowithin69]

I didn't mean to insult someone or anything. I just disagreed with the point that depressed people see the "true world" and how it really is and i disagreed with this fact big times. I just meant that the world is not only brutal and everything is horrible in life and everyone is blind but depressed people. And the rest was just a try to cheer him up to maybe overthink his way of thinking of life. I guess i didn't get my point across really well, but that's the problem when you learn english by just watching movies and watching youtube videos i guess. You get some of the vocabulary but you don't get the little nuances which let people know you are just trying to let them know your opinion and that you want to cheer them up. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you and i bet you tried your best to fight against what happened to you. I didn't mean to tell people that they just need to try hard to overcome everything bad in life. Ofc there are factors which we don't choose that makes life almost impossible for some people. I only meant if for example for me. I didn't suffer any abuse or physical pain so it's all just my head that tortures me and i need to get help and work on it. What i meant was just for people like me who didn't suffer any abuse or something like that.

And this is one of the reasons I so rarely talk about what I survived as a child. Yes it was horrorific....no question but that doesn't mean anything for someone else! I hate that my pain can actually invalidate someone else's....that is never what I want!! Please please don't think I have a "better" reason to CTB then the next person because that is not true.....I was strong because I had no choice and now I'm tired of being strong . even if you never had a moment of abuse that doesn't mean your pain is any less then mine....
I am actually very impressed with your intelligence, I am sure I would never learn a language as bizzare as English just by tv!! You did so well I didn't even question if eng was your second language!! Like big75 said, please do not compare, that would make my feel much worse!! Your pain is real regardless of whether you think it's a good reason or not. Every one of us had our own burdens to carry and for those of us hear it's become too much....I am so sorry you are hurting so bad you are here with me....but I accept you and believe your reasons are absolutely as valid as mine.....
And English is a stupid language!! Actually ridiculous is a better word!! I don't say that to make you feel better, it's the truth....and we are terribly arrogance to assume everyone knows how we feel/think /what we mean!!
I wish I had not said a thing but was trying to help you see that often you cannot know what is underneath and my reaction was extreme because I see things through the distorted lense of abuse. I never meant to make anyone else uncomfortable or to compare.....please forgive me

 

[Sickman75]

I think your perfectly fine being here and getting help all at the same time. That's how life operates sometimes. As a wise musician once said...be yourself, it's all that you can do.

 

[firedragon135]

And this is one of the reasons I so rarely talk about what I survived as a child. Yes it was horrorific....no question but that doesn't mean anything for someone else! I hate that my pain can actually invalidate someone else's....that is never what I want!! Please please don't think I have a "better" reason to CTB then the next person because that is not true.....I was strong because I had no choice and now I'm tired of being strong . even if you never had a moment of abuse that doesn't mean your pain is any less then mine....
I am actually very impressed with your intelligence, I am sure I would never learn a language as bizzare as English just by tv!! You did so well I didn't even question if eng was your second language!! Like big75 said, please do not compare, that would make my feel much worse!! Your pain is real regardless of whether you think it's a good reason or not. Every one of us had our own burdens to carry and for those of us hear it's become too much....I am so sorry you are hurting so bad you are here with me....but I accept you and believe your reasons are absolutely as valid as mine.....
And English is a stupid language!! Actually ridiculous is a better word!! I don't say that to make you feel better, it's the truth....and we are terribly arrogance to assume everyone knows how we feel/think /what we mean!!
I wish I had not said a thing but was trying to help you see that often you cannot know what is underneath and my reaction was extreme because I see things through the distorted lense of abuse. I never meant to make anyone else uncomfortable or to compare.....please forgive me

It doesn't invalidate other people's opinion, it just shows them that there are people who went through way more despair and pain and that maybe i shouldn't be such a whimp and just try to be stronger. I see that people endured way more pain and over a longer time and that i should just try to find a fix for my problems. I now i suffered mentaly for the past 16 years or so and i might have found the reason why. The symptoms of ADHD fit just perfectly. I even tried to call some psychiaters today but again, i only got rejections. That's just life for you sometimes. You desperately search and look for help and tell people you are suicidal and just no one gives a fuck. It's kinda sad tbh. And stories like yours actually make me want to be stronger. We only have one life and some younger people wrote me and that they want to ctb and stuff and when i asked why they didn't get abused or anything, most of them didn't even try to search for help once. I think that is the saddest part. How come a young person says he wants to die bc he got depression for a year or 2 and he's physically okay and didn't get abused. Didn't even try once to get some help to see if maybe it's just something in the brain that could be fixed by going to a psychiater once or twice you know? I think even tho i want to die i think life is extremly precious. Saying life is bad and not worth it and so on, i can understand it from people like you but not from almost children who could have had a beautiful life maybe if they searched for some help. I guess i am just not as emphatetic or i just don't understand when people just want to throw their life away without even seeking out help once. I don't even mean it insulting or think they are stupid or anything, i just can't understand at all. And don't worry, i didn't feel attacked by you at any point. I knew we had miscommunicated and that's why i replied to you the way i did. You didn't make me sad or uncomfortable and you don't have to be sorry at all